- If you feel contempt for your spouse and don't like spending time with them, those are strong signs that your marriage might be headed downhill.
- Heal yourself first so that you can commit to resolving the core issues that you and your spouse are facing.
- Talk openly and honestly with your spouse about your problems to see if the two of you can find solutions by working together rather than against each other.
- Practice self-care if you and your spouse go your separate ways. Allow time and space to heal while you get back to yourself.
Signs Your Marriage is Falling Apart
You've started to grow apart. People grow and change through the years—that's inevitable. But if you and your spouse start growing apart rather than growing together, it signals that your marriage could be over. This is especially true if you have different interests than you used to and just don't enjoy doing the same things anymore. For example, if both of you used to play on a community softball team, but now your spouse has taken up tennis and you're swimming, you no longer have that common interest. Having separate interests can be a good thing, but if you're not taking an interest in what your spouse is doing and supporting their endeavors, your relationship could be headed downhill.
There's little to no physical or emotional intimacy. A lack of physical intimacy in particular is seen by many as the "canary in a coal mine." When you and your spouse are no longer physically intimate, it's often only a matter of time before your marriage hits the skids. Physical intimacy is more than just sex—it's also holding hands, cuddling up on the couch together while you're watching TV, or rubbing each other's arms or back as you pass by one another. Emotional intimacy includes simply being vulnerable with each other and talking about your feelings.
You don't have conversations anymore. One of the biggest things that signals the downfall of a relationship is when you and your spouse stop making a little bit of time for each other each day. You don't ask how their day was or share your thoughts or frustrations or what's going on with you. Sharing experiences is a big part of a relationship and when that falls away, the relationship starts to fall away as well. Simply sharing things throughout the day is a way to rebuild this connection. For example, you might share an article you read that you thought was really interesting. Playful, fun communication is part of this as well. Sharing memes you found funny or a joke you heard can help bring the conversations and friendliness back.
You rarely spend any time together and feel awkward when you do. If you're happier and more comfortable when you're alone than when you're with your spouse, there are definitely problems in your relationship. When you make plans, you tend to make plans with other friends or go out by yourself rather than going out with your spouse. When you are together, you might feel as though there's a tension—you don't know what to say or do and it feels a bit off. Think about how you feel when your spouse is on their way home. If you start feeling down when you know they're going to be home soon, you know you've got problems.
There are serious financial issues or arguments about finances. Financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce. If you and your spouse are constantly arguing about money, it can be a sign that things are starting to fall apart. Even though finances can be tricky, as a wedded couple you're a team. Money problems and arguments that pit you against each other destroy that team.
There are problems with repeated infidelity or addiction. Cheating and addiction can cause insurmountable problems in a marriage. As much as you want to be forgiving and understanding, if your spouse has problems in these areas, it might be time to call it quits. A marriage can recover after infidelity, but only if the affairs stop and both of you are committed to each other and willing to work to heal your partnership. Addiction is tricky if the person with the problem isn't willing to get help. Codependency and enabling can become real issues if you continue to stay with someone who's battling an addiction.
You feel a lot of contempt and resentment towards your spouse. Research shows that contempt is the number one predictor of divorce. The moment you start viewing your spouse with contempt (or vice versa), you know your marriage is headed downhill fast. Contempt typically looks like eye-rolling, sarcasm, or hostile humor. If this is your default reaction when you're talking to your spouse (or theirs when talking to you), it's a bad sign for your marriage.
You've stopped talking about the future. When you got married, you both vowed to be together for the rest of your lives. It's natural for you to talk about what you'll be doing years into the future. When you stop doing that, you're signaling that you don't see them in your future. For example, you might stop saying things like "we should do that for Christmas next year" or "let's come back to this beach to celebrate our anniversary in 5 years."
Stages of a Marriage Breakdown
Criticism The first stage might be something that you only recognize in retrospect. You start to see your spouse negatively and frequently criticize them (or they criticize you). You look for ways to make yourself look good and make them look bad in comparison. You're setting yourself up against them, viewing the two of you as competitors rather than teammates. This is a breakdown in communication because you're focusing on what they do or don't do that you don't like, rather than talking about any problems in your relationship. For example, you might start doing more household chores so that you can claim that you do all of the work around the house while they just sit around watching TV. This pattern can make you feel better about yourself temporarily, but you feel worse about them. The more you criticize them, the more your negative opinion of them grows.
Stonewalling Once you reach this stage, either one or both of you has dug your heels in and refuses to dig deep to understand the problems in your relationship. Instead, whenever you try to talk to your spouse, you feel like you're talking to a brick wall. They might even agree with you and promise that things will change, but then nothing ever really does. One or both of you is in a defensive position at this point. Anything your spouse suggests is going to feel like an attack (and vice versa). You can still recover things at this point, but only if you're both willing to put some work in and be honest with each other.
Defensiveness At this stage, you and your spouse feel as though you're acting against each other rather than as a team. Anything you say to your spouse will likely result in them throwing up walls or turning the issue around and placing the blame on you. Any "win" for your spouse can feel like a loss for you. One way to combat defensiveness is with "I" statements. When you speak to your spouse, tell them how you feel rather than what they're doing that bothers you. For example, you might say "I feel taken for granted when I have to do the dishes all the time."
Contempt Once you and your spouse get to the point where you feel contempt for each other, you're in the final stage, and the one that's the most predictive of divorce. Not only do you feel as though you and your spouse are against each other, but you feel as though they're the bad one—they're the one in the wrong. Once your marriage has reached this stage, it's really hard to turn the corner unless you seek professional help. But with marriage counseling, it's possible to turn your contemptuous relationship into a healthy, loving relationship again.
Ways to Save Your Marriage
Reflect on your marriage and identify the source of the problems. When you and your spouse are arguing, you're rarely arguing about the specific thing that starts the fight. There's usually something going on beneath the surface. Drill down to find the source of the animosity and you'll have a better chance of resolving things. For example, you might be arguing about how your spouse always leaves their dirty dishes in the sink, but the fight isn't really about the dishes—it's about how you feel as though your spouse is taking you for granted or not appreciating the things you do.
Try to communicate with each other directly and openly. Make time to have serious conversations with your spouse about your problems and commit to a judgment-free zone. Talk to each other about your problems and your feelings and try to empathize with each other. When you can understand where your spouse is coming from, you're better able to find a solution. Use "I" statements to communicate your thoughts and feelings. For example, you might say, "I feel taken for granted and unappreciated when you leave dishes in the sink." Validate each other's feelings so that you both feel heard. For example, you might say, "I see how frustrated you are. What can I do to ease that frustration?"
Work on problems one at a time. If your marriage is truly falling apart, it's likely that you have more than one issue you need to work on. Work with your spouse to identify the most important thing and work on that first. Then move on to the next thing. If you try to fix everything all at once, you're likely to get overwhelmed. Your issues are likely interconnected, so working on one thing will make other things easier. It might even be that working on one thing enables something else to fall into place without a lot of effort. For example, if you've had a breakdown in physical affection and also problems with finances, you might start with physical affection. Increasing physical affection also shores up your bond and makes you feel more like a team, so you're ready to tackle your finances together.
Collaborate rather than work against each other. You're a team—you're on the same side. Often, when you start arguing, you start looking at issues as being a matter of one of you winning and one of you losing. But that's not reality! Ultimately, you're in this together and both of you will benefit from finding compromises that work for the greater good. For example, if you feel like your spouse is assuming you'll do most of the housekeeping, you might feel as though any chore you have to do means they win. But creating a schedule of tasks and splitting them equitably means you both win.
Focus on your own personal development and self-care. When you're having marriage problems, it's common for your own self-care to suffer. Make an effort to be loving and gentle with yourself. Take time to do things for yourself that make you feel mentally and emotionally secure. For example, you might start going for a walk after dinner or taking a relaxing bath before bed. Journaling is another great way to reconnect with yourself and remind yourself of the things you have to be grateful for each day.
Encourage your spouse to talk to you about their problems. Ask them new questions and take the time to really empathize with them and understand them better. A lot of times, marriages seem like they are falling apart when really it's just that you aren't listening to each other. For example, you might say, "I don't feel as though our problems are really about household chores. How do you feel when you come home in the evenings? What can I do to make things better for you?" Practice active listening and show your spouse that you care by validating their feelings. Reinforce the fact that you're both on the same team and working on this together.
Seek help from a marriage counselor if you're both on board. A non-judgmental, objective third party can often help you and your spouse dig down to the real problems and work together to solve them. Marriage counseling only works, though, if both of you want it and are willing to invest your energy in it. Reach out to a variety of different sources for support. Religious or spiritual leaders can be helpful, as well as nonjudgmental mutual friends.
How to Know if the Marriage is Too Far Gone
Your spouse refuses to communicate with you. When you first start feeling disconnected from your spouse, you might not actually know what the problem is. Open and honest communication is the best way to get to the root of why things don't feel like they once did. But if your spouse won't communicate with you at all, there's nothing you can do to make the relationship better. For example, if you bring up the disconnect and say that things have felt off to you, but your spouse insists that they haven't noticed anything and feel like everything's just fine, you're likely not going to be able to salvage the marriage. Being able to share painful emotions can bring the two of you closer. But if you don't feel comfortable doing that, there's not much else you can really do to save the marriage at that point.
Your spouse is unwilling to admit how they contributed to the breakdown. When it seems like your spouse is always right, you're going to have a hard time finding common ground. Usually, this is a defense mechanism because your spouse doesn't want to be vulnerable. But if they're not willing to be vulnerable with you, there's likely not much hope left for your marriage. Vulnerability is essential for a close and loving relationship. If your spouse isn't willing to let you in, nothing you do on your own is going to change things.
There are issues with recurring infidelity or addiction. Infidelity causes serious trust issues that are hard enough to overcome once the affair is over, but if it's ongoing, that tells you the marriage might be past the point of reconciliation. Similarly, if either of you is deep in the throes of addiction, it's probably best to call it quits. If either you or your spouse is battling with addiction and is in recovery, there can be hope for your relationship as long as there's constant open communication.
There is ongoing physical or emotional abuse. If your spouse is physically or emotionally abusing you, don't attempt to reconcile the relationship. It's over. Do what you can to get yourself out of that situation (and your kids, if you have them) before it escalates.
Your spouse is resistant to marriage counseling or any outside help. With any of these problems, you might still be able to recover and rebuild your marriage with couples therapy. But if your spouse refuses to go or insists they don't need any outside help, it might be time to throw in the towel. Keep in mind that even if your spouse reluctantly agrees to go to therapy with you, that therapy won't do either of you any good if they put up walls and are resistant and unwilling to share openly and honestly.
Moving On After Separation
Do what you can to reduce your stress. This is a stressful time for you and anything you can do to minimize the effects of that stress will go a long way. Experiment with different things like journaling, walking in nature, meditating, or doing yoga to help ease your stress. Talk to a professional if you feel like that would be beneficial for you. They can help you come up with some tactics for easing stress that would work best for you given your personal circumstances and lifestyle. Don't be afraid to set something aside if it isn't working for you. Just because something is highly recommended doesn't mean it's going to help you personally.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings and grieve your loss. The end of a marriage is a loss similar to death. The future you imagined for yourself and your life with your spouse is over. Denying your feelings or pushing them down won't help you process what's happened. Live in the moment and validate your own feelings—whatever you feel in the moment is okay. You're healing. It's normal to cycle through different emotions as you process your loss. You might be angry one day, sad the next, and desperate to get back together the next. Be gentle and loving with yourself.
Surround yourself with positive friends who support you. Spend time with friends and family who want to lift you up and see you through the process. Look for friends who are willing to do things with you that can help you take your mind off the separation and start to move forward with your own life. If you have trouble finding people to hang out with, consider joining a crafting or sewing circle, book club, or community sports team. These sorts of activities allow you to meet people with whom you have shared interests. Volunteering or joining a community group is another way to connect with people who have a shared passion with you.
Give each other space and time to heal. The breakup of any relationship is kind of like a death. You need time to grieve what you've lost. Spending time apart from your former spouse gives your heart and your spirit time to shift so you can find yourself again. You might eventually be able to be friends, but you need space first. If you have kids, it might not be possible for you to go completely no-contact. But try to limit your conversations to logistics and other necessary topics—resist the temptation to start rehashing the relationship.
Stay off social media for at least a few weeks after the separation. If you're active on social media, the temptation to trash-talk your ex or just complain about the end of the relationship in general could be too great. Remember that this is someone you once said "I love you" to—out of respect for that, avoid descending into any sort of nastiness. When you are on social media, resist the urge to talk about the relationship at all. Remember that whatever you put out there is going to stick around. If your former spouse is all over social media, it can be tough not to respond. Block them if you need to so you can ignore what they're saying. Take the high road.
Invest time in hobbies to reconnect with your personal interests. Think back to the things you enjoyed doing before your marriage and pick up some of those things again. It'll help you get back to your old self and also give you a welcome distraction from thinking about your separation. For example, if you used to play guitar, you might go pick up a used instrument and spend some time playing again. Search locally for clubs or community groups you can join to get involved in the hobbies that you enjoy or even pick up something new.
Stick to a regular routine so that your time is structured. An organized day keeps you from sinking into despair or ruminating over the separation. It's true that you'll occasionally have to force yourself to do things, but soldier through it—it'll get better every day. If you have kids, maintaining a sense of normalcy is important for them as well. Keep up their regular routines and keep discipline and expectations consistent.
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