What It Means to Take a Break in a Relationship

• Couples may take a break to get some space from their partner and reevaluate the relationship.
• A break may end in reconciliation and even marriage, or it may end with one or both partners realizing they are better off alone.
• There is no template for how a break should go, but couples must agree to ground rules before taking a break.
• Ground rules might include how long the break will last, how often the partners will contact each other (if at all), and whether seeing other people is allowed during the break.

What does it mean to “take a break”?

A break is a pause in a relationship to reflect and reevaluate. Couples might take a break if their relationship is on the rocks and they could use some time away from one another to be alone and breathe. People take breaks with the intention of either reconciling or officially breaking up after the break has ended. During the break, the couple sees one another less, but otherwise they hold themselves accountable to their partner and still view themselves as in a relationship. There’s no official “template” for what a break looks like, but there are things a couple needs to consider and discuss before going on a break such as logistics (How long will the break be? How often can they talk?) and ground rules (What can they talk about? Can they see anyone else during the break?)

A break is not the same thing as a breakup. Rather, the relationship is “on hold” so the partners can work through issues either individually or together or both. Couples on a break are still together, but they are taking space apart to reevaluate what they want out of their relationship. Breaks may end in breakups, but they could also end in the couples recommitting to one another or even getting married. Time apart can help some couples realize that their partner isn’t fulfilling their needs in a relationship, but it can also help couples realize how much they love and need their partner. Sometimes partners on a break make use of their time alone to deal with problems in the relationship, but sometimes they use it to deal with personal problems independently. They may realize they are better equipped to deal with their problems without their partner, or that they value their partner’s support.

Pros of Breaks

You might gain more certainty about your relationship. Sometimes, when you’ve been with someone for a while and you see them all the time, it can be hard to see the forest for the trees: is your dissatisfaction due to your relationship—or life in general? Should you marry this person—or keep looking for someone “better”? Breaks can help couples untangle their emotions and get some fresh air while still remaining committed to one another. Many folks get married after taking a break—or break up permanently. Time apart gives each partner valuable perspective about their relationship and whether they want to stay in it or not. While a break may end in reconciliation, there’s also potential for one or both parties in the relationship to realize they don’t want to get back together. This is difficult, but it’s better to know the relationship won’t work than to keep pretending.

A break can bring you and your partner closer together. Time apart can give a couple a fresh perspective on the relationship. In your partner’s absence, you may realize how much you value them and rely on their support. You may even learn that problems you attributed to the relationship are actually just general life problems that you needed to be alone to solve, or that your partner can help you solve. When everything in your life seems to be going poorly—say, you lost your job or suffered the death of a loved one, or are maybe just feeling stuck—it's common to project your problems onto your partner and assume things will improve if you started over without them. Time apart could affirm this, but it could also highlight how much you relied on your partner's support—and that nobody is responsible for your happiness and peace but you.

A break affords you the time to examine your own needs and values. Everyone needs alone time now and again. If you aren’t getting enough breathing room in your relationship, a designated pause can afford you valuable me-time to reevaluate your life’s trajectory. Is your relationship supporting you as you work to achieve your goals? Or is it preventing you from living the life you want to live? Time apart could help you realize how much better off you are alone. Maybe the energy you’ve been devoting to a floundering relationship could be better spent on personal goals, friendships, and cultivating passions. A pause could also help you realize how much your partner supported and encouraged you to achieve your goals.

Cons of Breaks

A break might just be postponing an inevitable breakup. Sometimes, couples take a break when they know deep down they need to end the relationship and are too afraid to. Of course, it’s better to take a break that ends in a breakup than to not take a break at all.

A break might give you or your partner anxiety or stress. Relationships are hard. That’s why breaks exist—to untangle the complicated emotions involved in sharing your life and heart with someone else. But taking space away from your significant other can result in one or both of you suffering too much stress or separation anxiety to actually work through your issues in a meaningful way. Space apart is stressful enough, but the uncertainty about whether or not you and your partner will reconcile can cause even more anxiety and distress. In some cases, the separation anxiety caused by a break can leave a couple in a more codependent and unhealthy relationship than they started out in!

One or both partners may fall for someone else. Time apart may leave partners in a couple feeling vulnerable and receptive to other people’s advances. It’s not inherently bad if someone on a break falls for someone else, but it could be devastating to the other partner and destroy any possibility of reconciliation. If the person who meets someone new only did so out of vulnerability or loneliness, they may regret ending their relationship for it. Most couples on breaks agree to remain monogamous (if they were monogamous to begin with). However, that doesn’t preclude one or both parties from falling for somebody else on their break, and opening the relationship during the break may increase the odds of that happening.

When to Take a Break

You and your partner can’t stop fighting. Most couples’ “honeymoon” phases end after a year or 2 together, and occasional arguing is normal. But if you and your partner are going at it all the time and, more importantly, not resolving arguments swiftly, it might be worth it to consider taking some time apart. It’s especially important for fighting couples to consider a break if they have kids. Many folks assume fighting parents should “make it work” for their kids, but in fact, the opposite is true. Kids don’t have a developed understanding of boundaries, making it difficult for them to understand that fights between their parents aren’t about them.

You and your partner are struggling with relationship challenges. These challenges could be anything that jars your relationship. It could be infidelity that you both want to work through but don’t know how, or something unrelated to the relationship that nevertheless rocks your sense of security, like a sudden job change for you or your partner or addiction problems. If you and your partner are struggling to figure out a way to resolve this issue, time apart could help. It’s possible you and your partner might be struggling with different issues at the same time, and don’t have the capacity to support one another. In this instance, taking a break can help you both deal with your problems separately, and then reunite when you’re both feeling more stable.

You don’t know how you feel about your partner. Sometimes when a relationship is heading into serious territory, one or both partners may want some time to think before taking things to the next level. Even if your partner is great, you might have doubts about going “all in.” Taking time to reevaluate what you want can help you decide if you want to commit to your partner or end the relationship. Some folks might also take a break for this reason while knowing deep down that they and their partner aren’t right for one another and are too afraid to officially break up (yet).

One or both of you needs to work on yourself. Maybe you worry your partner needs to mature a bit before committing, or you yourself do. Maybe you aren’t sure yet if you’re in a place to commit to anyone, and you could use some time to yourself to address what you really want at this point in your life. A break can help you or your partner figure that out.

You and your partner can’t agree on something important. Early on in a relationship, before you know where it’s going, it might feel foolish to focus on deal-breakers like whether or not your partner wants to stay in your city forever or whether they want children. But as your relationship deepens, these issues will inevitably come to the surface, and if you can’t come to a compromise, taking time apart can help you and your partner evaluate whether the relationship is worth pursuing anymore, or if they can bend on the issue at all. When someone is perfect for you in every way except that one thing, it can be tempting to pretend your deal breakers can be compromised. But think long and hard before dismissing something you really care about: if something is really a deal breaker, not getting it can lead to resentment of your partner down the road.

The relationship is toxic. Maybe it started out great but has grown dysfunctional over time, or maybe it was always a little wrong. If your relationship is suffering from communication problems, unfaithfulness, unmet needs, or any sort of abuse or disrespect, taking a break can help you return to yourself and practice some much-needed self-care. If you know you want to break up, it’s best to do so as soon as you can. It’s better to be up front about your needs than to give your partner (or yourself) false hope.

Initiating the Break

Tell your partner why you want a break in person. It’s possible they already know if you’ve been fighting a lot lately or have maybe even told them you’re thinking about initiating a break. But it’s also very possible they’ll be surprised and even hurt. Be gentle when you share with them exactly why you need time apart, but be firm about why you need it. Don’t panic when you initiate the break. Regardless of the outcome, the purpose of a break is to give you both time to reflect on the relationship, and even if the end goal is a breakup, you’ll both be happier and healthier in the long run. Remember that you’ve had some time to prepare for this discussion, and your partner likely has not, so be patient with them if they’re struggling to contain their emotions or figure out what they want to say. Listen to your partner’s requests and fears about the break, and be open about yours. “Lena, I really love you, but I suspect you feel like I do: this relationship isn’t working right now. I don’t want to give up, but I think taking some time apart could help us.” “I hope you understand, Lamar. I just need some time to myself to reflect on things, and I think it will really help our relationship in the long run.” “Cuong, I value what we have together so much. I promise you, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think it might help us figure some things out.”

Agree on what you each want to accomplish on the break. While you and your partner don’t need to feel exactly the same way about the break, it’s important you both agree on what you’ll be working toward on the break: what will you reflect on? What will you work to resolve in your relationship? How will you make good use of your time alone? What do you hope to achieve by reuniting with your partner after the break? Be intentional about your goals, and clearly define them together. You and your partner might have the same goals, or you might focus on different but complementary goals—for instance, maybe you’ll work on being more independent and your partner will work on being less overbearing or controlling. But both partners must reflect on and work toward strengthening the relationship for the break to work. If only one partner is invested in the break while the other checks out, gives up, or doesn’t act any differently during the break than they would if they were single, it won’t succeed.

Agree on how long the break will last. How long a break lasts depends on the individual couple, but both partners must agree to it up front. Some couples want a break for 2 weeks or a month, while others might feel the need for a longer break—even 6 months or more. The timeline you agree upon doesn't have to be permanent: if you realize early on you want to officially end the relationship, or approach your partner about reconciling, reach out to them. On the other hand, if you reach the end of your designated break and believe you may benefit from more time apart, discuss that with your partner.

Establish ground rules. It’s important to communicate expectations clearly up front; otherwise, things can go off the rails pretty quickly and maybe make your relationship even more precarious. (No, we’re not going to make a Ross and Rachel reference.) Discuss with your partner what communication between the two of you will look like during that time, and make sure to establish any ground rules regarding seeing other people during the break. Some couples might do weekly check-ins or attend couples therapy to keep one another accountable and see how one another is progressing, but in general, contact between partners should be minimal during a break. Some couples don’t speak at all during breaks, except as needed (e.g., to discuss childcare). However, bear in mind that not speaking at all could backfire and result in an "out of sight, out of mind" mentality, rather than the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" attitude of couples who keep in minimal contact during a break. Most couples opt not to see anyone else during a break (unless they already had an open relationship), as this could invite unnecessary emotional complications and distract the individual partners from reflecting on their relationship. However, it’s up to the couple how to navigate seeing other people while taking a break. Just make sure you’re clear about your expectations from the get-go.

Handling the Break

Follow the ground rules. You and your partner set up ground rules for a reason, and following them is essential to maintaining trust between you both. It might be tempting to text your partner when you miss them or to even try to meet someone when you feel lonely, but the success of the break is dependent on both you and your partner following the rules you established. If you and your partner aren't monogamous or opened up your relationship during the break, you don't have to worry about seeing someone new, but if that relationship poses a threat to your committed relationship, it's worth it to break it off. Depending on what you’re struggling with, you can check in with your partner and communicate to them that you’d like to revisit the ground rules you set up. Try to follow the rules you made from the get-go, but realistically, your or your partner’s needs might shift as the break goes on. You may decide to go no-contact only to realize talking every week serves your relationship better than not speaking at all, or vice versa.

Practice self-care. The purpose of a break is to get to know yourself better outside of the relationship, so make sure you do just that: practice self-care by delving into old passions or exploring new ones, making new friends and reigniting friendships you might have neglected during your relationship, and being sure to get plenty of exercise and eat well to limit any anxiety or stress around the break. Taking a break from your partner can be hard in itself, but you’ll also likely grieve the (temporary) loss of someone you talked to every day. Be sure to stay social during your break.

Reflect on the relationship. Self-care is essential, but what makes a break different from simply being single is that you’re actively working toward making the relationship better and reflecting on your role in it. Journal, meditate, and seek out books or other resources to help you learn more about your relationship and how the issues you’re working on could be resolved. Whether you and your partner are doing couples therapy or not, consider attending individual counseling as well during your break. Spotify and YouTube both contain a plethora of podcasts and videos on psychology and self-help, and if you’re seeing a therapist, ask for their book and podcast recommendations too. Be honest with yourself about your role in the relationship. The purpose of a break isn’t to punish your partner or to lay the blame on them for friction in your relationship, but to address your own particular needs and your responsibility to yourself and to your partner. Try to see things from your partner’s side. How do you imagine they feel in your relationship? What needs do you think they have they may not be getting met? Reconceptualize the relationship: how do you imagine it looking at its healthiest? How can you get it there?

Address problems that may arise. Despite all the planning and communication you do before the break, there’s still room for things to go awry. Your partner might break the ground rules, or maybe you do. Maybe one of you keeps contacting the other or one of you meets someone new. Maybe you suffer extreme depression or anxiety due to the break. Maybe, worst-case scenario, your partner begins to gossip about you or even stalk you. Don’t plan for problems to arise, but address them if they do. If your partner keeps reaching out to you, remind them of the rules you set up, or consider revisiting the rules to see if they’re serving you both as well as they could be. Regular check-ins can help both of you resist the urge to reach out when you're not supposed to. They can also decrease the odds one of you will fall for someone new, or give you the opportunity to address and deal with the situation if one of you does. Therapy and your social network can offer tremendous support to help you deal with the break if you’re struggling with depression or anxiety. If your partner engages in gossip or harassment, it may be worth it to confront them and address how their behavior is making you feel, but don’t engage if you feel unsafe in any way. Communicate what’s going on to a close friend and your therapist if you have one, and consider reaching out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline if your partner threatens your safety or the safety of your children.

Ending the Break

Decide whether to reconcile before meeting with your partner. Once the designated time has come for the break to end, decide what you want to do: break up, reconcile, or even extend the break if need be. Be sure to think through what you want before meeting with your partner: you may change your mind after discussing things with your partner, but it’s important to go in with a good idea of what you want. No matter what you decide, be honest about your motivation and be firm with your partner about what you want to do. Ask yourself how it felt to be alone. How does it feel to think you could end the relationship forever? Would you regret it, or would it be liberating? If you want to get back together, take responsibility for your part in the relationship and visualize how you both might repair your relationship to be healthier and happier. Be brave enough to walk away if you know the relationship is over. If your gut tells you it’s not right and isn’t going to work, it’s time to finish it. Deep down, you’ll know if you want to get back together because the relationship is genuinely good or because you’re lonely. Make sure to get back together for the right reasons.

Meet with your partner in person to discuss your decision. Schedule a time and place to sit down with your partner and talk about the relationship. After your time apart, what do you both think should happen? Allow time for each of you to speak uninterruptedly and be respectful of one another’s thoughts and feelings. Your partner will have their thoughts about what to do, and they may or may not contradict yours. Be prepared for them to disagree with your decision, and work to understand their decision. If you want to reconcile, ask your partner how they will commit to repairing your relationship. Ask them what they have learned during their time away. Remember that even if you reconcile, you can change your mind and end the relationship or discuss taking another break if you feel the need to down the road. “Sarah, I’ve had a lot of time to think during this break, and I’ve realized I really want things to work between us. I’m committed to working on us, and I really hope you feel the same way.” “Clark, I love you so, so much. But after this time apart, I still don’t really have any answers. I really think I could benefit from some more time apart to keep thinking. How do you feel about that?” “Jenny, I have valued our relationship more than you’ll ever know. I was really hoping that we could figure out a way to make things work, but I think the best thing for us is to end the relationship. I’m so sorry.”