How to Deal With a Needy Friend

Having a Conversation about Their Behavior

Talk in private when you are both free. Pull your friend to the side to have a conversation with them. Do this during a time when you’re both not busy and when they’re not stressed. Avoid having this conversation on special days like birthdays or anniversaries. Say something like, “Chaz, do you have some time to talk today after work?” You can have this conversation over the phone, but in person is best. Try not to discuss it via text.

Express your feelings. Talk to your friend about how their neediness is affecting you. Explain how frustrating and draining it can be. Be open and honest with them. Be clear and direct, but try not to be confrontational. Instead of saying things like “you always…” or “you never…,” use specific examples. Say something like, “You call me a lot to talk about your problems with Charlotte, and I don’t mind, but you call really late sometimes and want to talk for hours. I have school in the mornings and it really affects me when you do that.” After telling them the problem, let them know what you’re willing to do. For example, “If you want to talk to me about Charlotte, I’m willing to do that with you before 8pm and only for 30 minutes.”

Talk about your own needs. Needy friends are often so consumed in their own problems that they might fail to recognize that you have your own. Talk to them about the stressors in your life and explain what you might be needing from the friendship. Say, “Everytime I try to talk to you about my fights with my mom, you make it about you and your mom instead. I don’t mind listening, but I need to be heard, too. It’s really hard on me not having anyone to talk to.”

Listen to their perspective. Your friend may not have realized how needy they have been with you. Or perhaps they did know, but they have felt so desperate for attention or help that they didn’t know what to do. Either way, stay focused during the conversation and try to understand their perspective. Try repeating back what they’re saying to show that you listened. Say, “So it sounds like you’re saying that none of your other friends will listen, so you call me because you know I will.”

End on a positive note. Reaffirm your friendship and your love for them. Address any defensiveness in them by being calm, loving, and honest. Remind them that you just need a bit of healthy distance for your relationship to thrive. Say, for example, “I love you and want our friendship to work, but I do need things to change from here on out.” For instance, your friend might agree to call to check in on you more often or you might decide to see each other twice a week instead of everyday.

Setting Boundaries

Learn to say ‘no.’ Your needy friend likely makes outlandish requests of you often, expecting you to cater to their every whim. Determine what is and what is not acceptable to you by reflecting on how uncomfortable, stifled, or inconvenienced your friend makes you feel. Say ‘no’ when you don’t want to do something. For instance, hanging out once or twice a week might work for your schedule, but if they regularly show up at your door unannounced, you should draw the line there. When you say no, you do not owe your friend extra time another day, nor do you owe them an explanation for why you say no.

Set boundaries on communication. Needy friends are also likely to blow your phone up with calls or texts, sometimes early in the morning or late at night. Tell your friend what times are not okay to call except in the event of an emergency. Also, let them know if you would like to decrease how often you communicate with each other. For instance, you might decide that calling before 10am or after midnight are off limits. Reaffirm those boundaries by not answering messages or texts during “off limit” times. If your friend insists on calling you 3 or more times daily, perhaps you might ask them to cut it down to once. Don’t answer if they call you more than once to show them you are firm about the boundaries.

Connect them with new friends. Perhaps your needy friend has very few others to talk to. Help them make connections with others to expand their network and provide them with more people to vent to. Is your needy friend into horseback riding just like your co-worker? Connect the two of them so that your friend has a larger system of support.

Plan a fun outing to shift their focus. Your friend might be super down in the dumps lately over a breakup or other sad experience. Plan a beach day, museum trip, or head to a local amusement park to take their mind off things. This could inspire them to travel more or start a new hobby of their own.

Spend less time together. As you set boundaries, work to detach yourself from your friend. If you typically spend every day together, see each other only every other day, instead. Spend time alone or with other friends. Take a complete break from each other if you need total distance. Give yourself at least a week or two away from them. Let them know that you are not ending the friendship, but just need some time to yourself.

Give it some time. Don’t expect your friend to improve immediately; they will need some time to unlearn their bad behavior. When you see them making progress, acknowledge it. Show them love and kindness during this process, but also be firm with your boundaries. Progress might be shown through less calls, texts, or demands to hang out constantly. When you see them being less needy, let them know that you really like this independent side of them. If they should cross a boundary, let them know immediately. Say, “Remember we discussed you not calling me after midnight. I was serious about that. In the future, please try to do so.”

Suggest that they get help. If your friend feels that they need you to function or that they cannot go a day without speaking to you, suggest that they see a therapist. It is good to have friendships, but this kind of behavior is not healthy.

Cut the friendship off when necessary. Sometimes setting boundaries and having discussions will not be enough to make your friend be less needy. If they are draining you, making you unhappy, or affecting your other relationships negatively, consider cutting the friendship off completely. Say something like, “Though I love you and really wanted this friendship to work, I think it’s time that we go our separate ways. I really need more time to myself and I wish you the best.” If they continue trying to call you, answer the first few times but hold firm to your word. Block them if they don’t stop contacting you.

Maintaining Your Own Life

Spend time with your non-needy friends. Though your needy friend has likely taken a lot of your focus, take some time to reconnect with others. Avoid spending time with those who are needy or attention seeking, but instead with friends who are independent and fun. Spend time with family, as well.

Talk to someone you trust. Your friend might really be taking a toll on your mental and emotional health. Try not to let their emotional baggage drain you; find someone who you can vent to. Beware, however, of becoming needy with them. Make time for them to talk to you about their problems, too. Talk to them a few times about the issue and then try to move on. Avoid speaking badly about your friend to them or sharing their secrets. If the friendship is taking a big toll on your life, consider seeing a therapist to talk through this issue with.

Keep yourself busy. The busier you are, the less time you will have to give in to your friend’s neediness. Keep yourself busy with work and school, hang out with friends, and spend time enjoying hobbies like dancing, doing science experiments, playing soccer, or reading. If your friend wants to hang out, simply tell them all of the things that you have to do that day.