- Let go of any labels and cultivate a growth mindset, which is a way of thinking in flexible and open terms so that you can change.
- Free yourself emotionally by letting go of anger and believing in your ability to love and show thanks.
- Behavior is all about habits and decisions. Make the decision to act a certain way and it’ll become a habit over time.
Reframing the Way You Think
Let go of the labels you use to describe yourself. The boxes you put yourself in influence the way you experience the world. If you think of yourself as shy and reserved, you’ll talk yourself out of striking up that conversation with that cute stranger. Let go of all of that. Think of yourself as a constantly changing and complex person who can’t be broken down into single adjectives. Picturing yourself as a nerd, musician, athlete, or whatever can influence you subconsciously to believe that’s the sum of what you are. If you want to change your thinking, let go of those preconceptions.
Believe everything can change instead of thinking in fixed terms. Any black-and-white thinking will prevent change, so remember that everything is a spectrum. Once you realize that it's your perception of a thing that determines what it is, you'll see how many possibilities really exist. Some people view certain traits as fixed, and that significantly impacts how they behave. The opposite of this is a growth mindset, which is essential if you want to change. If you have a growth mindset, you view people and things as capable of change, which is much more empowering and productive. For example, if you think you’re not good with the opposite sex, you’ll be more likely to struggle to find a boyfriend or girlfriend. But if you assume you’re not good yet, you can practice flirting and connecting with others without judgment until you actually do become a Casanova!
Challenge your negative thoughts whenever they come up. If you find yourself thinking, "I can’t do this," you probably won't be able to. When that critical voice starts popping up in your head, put a sock in it by pushing back. Fighting your negative thinking by investigating and questioning how you think and feel can help you change. For example, if you’re taking a test and you start thinking, “I am going to fail,” push back by asking, “How does that help me?” “Why am I thinking I’ll fail?” and “I’ve passed tests before. Why not this one?” When the voice acts up, make it sound like Donald Duck. It's a lot harder to take self-criticism seriously if it sounds ridiculous. Keep your head up (literally). Changing your body language can change how you feel and therefore think.
Enriching Your Emotional Life
Fake it until you make it to control the way you feel. If you want to become less shy, just pretend you aren’t shy. If you admire people who read a lot, start reading even you aren’t super into it. Just jump in. Pretending to be something while actually behaving that way can change your brain to believe it’s true. And guess what? It is true once you believe it! No one has to know how you feel inside. All that matters is what you do. Eventually, what you do will begin to inform the way you feel inside—not the other way around.
Express gratitude every day to cultivate positive feelings. When you wake up, list 3 things that you’re thankful for in your head. If you find yourself on autopilot as you go about your day, go out of your way to tell someone you care about that you appreciate them. The more often you can work “thank you” into your daily conversation, the happier you’ll be. Research has proven that the more gratitude you express, the more likely you’ll be to experience trust, love, and joy. If you want to be happier, this is the key part of it! If you struggle with doing this consistently, keep a gratitude journal. It may feel cheesy, but the habit of writing every day may be easier to commit to.
Try something radically new that you don’t have feelings about. One way to change the way you feel is to engage in activities that you have zero preconceptions about. You’ll discover something new about yourself and enrich your life with a new experience, and take a leap into a radical state of change. Sign up for a speed dating event, join a volleyball intermural team, go hiking alone, or volunteer to help out at a local soup kitchen. Whatever you do, just make it brand new to you.
Let go of any grudges or anger you’re holding on to. If you’ve got negative energy buried deep inside, it’s going to be difficult to shake any bad vibes you’re carrying. Sincerely, in the bottom of your heart, forgive anyone you’re still angry at. You can reach out to people to heal broken relationships if you’d like, or acknowledge that what’s done is done and forgive them in your heart. Anger is like a monkey on your back. It follows you everywhere you go, and you can’t move forward until you put that anger down. The trick to forgiveness is to acknowledge the harm and accept what happened. Then, realize you’re not doing yourself any favors by spending energy on that pain. Make amends by telling others you forgive them and moving on will be a breeze. If you find yourself struggling with this, consider going to counseling or seeing a therapist. They’ll help you work through whatever pain and trauma you can’t escape.
Set aside a specific time to let loose and forget everything. All of this gratitude, habit building, and thinking is a lot, and everybody deserves a break. Set aside time every week to do literally whatever you want. Sleep in, eat ice cream, play video games, go to a party, or do whatever it is that gives you a break from stress. This gives you something to look forward to if you find all of this personality changing business a little exhausting. It also gives you a break so that you can be outside of yourself for a while without thinking too hard about it.
Adjusting Your Behavior
Dress the part to experiment with new modes of expression. Clothes don’t determine who you are, but they can be a fun way to influence your personality. Want to be smarter? Try some spectacles, a sweater vest, and other professorial gear. Want to live on the edge and take more risks? Break out the punk or goth outfits and accessories and try a new shade of black. You’ll feel totally different! Even something as small as wearing a hat can have a huge change. Don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with, though.
Practice random acts of kindness and smile to spread the love. Cultivate a positive attitude by spreading positivity everywhere you go. Offer to help your friends do their homework or move, and go out of your way to make the lives of strangers as pleasant as possible. Smile everywhere you go and you’ll eventually find yourself becoming more naturally pleasant! Start small by trying to do one a every day for someone else. Help an old lady cross the street, drop a dollar in the charity jar at your local restaurant, or simply compliment a stranger on the street.
Get off of social media to become more grounded and compassionate. Take a break from Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat. Not only will you get more work done, but you’ll become more present and self-aware. This is a great way to create an environment for change. Getting off of social media also makes it difficult to compare yourself to others, since you won’t be confronted by everyone’s photos and updates.
Break bad habits and create new routines for yourself. Your patterns of behavior determine a lot about your personality. If you’re in the habit of arguing with people online every morning, you’re naturally going to be in a bad mood most of the day. Choose a habit you’d like to change for yourself and modify your behavior so that your daily experience improves for the better. Once that habit gets locked in, you’ll be much better off! If you’re in the habit of getting fast food every morning on your way to school, you might change your route so that you don’t come across any fast food restaurants. Start small and don’t be upset with yourself if it doesn’t work the first time. Avoiding black-and-white thinking is a key part of learning to change.
Meet new people to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Cultivating some new relationships with people you otherwise wouldn’t hang out with can enrich your life and open you up to new ways of thinking about the world. Join a club, sign up for a casual sports league, or try a new hobby where you can meet people. If you’re a little socially anxious, start small. Practice talking to strangers at the bus stop, ask people on the street for the time or directions, or chat up your barista when you get coffee.
Say “yes” to every invitation and offer you receive. Don’t turn opportunities down. If a friend asks you to do something you know absolutely zero about, agree. If someone asks if you want to get lunch, say yes even if you aren’t hungry and just hang out. Not only will you gain some new experiences, but you’ll strengthen your relationships and become more comfortable with letting go of control. With all of that said, you should still try to make safe decisions. Don’t say “yes” to any activities that might be illegal or dangerous!
Keep a journal to meditate on what happens every day. Reflecting on everything that happens every day is a great way to monitor your progress and meditate on your experiences. Keeping a journal will help you sort your thoughts and analyze how you've been handling this change. Just sit down every day and write for 5-10 minutes. Write down what happened, how you feel about it, and what you look forward to. This is also a great way to be more mindful of how you spend your time. If you struggle with time management, journaling is a great way to keep yourself honest without being hard on yourself.
Reflect on how each change you make influences your personality. Monitor your progress and think back on how every change you make changes you. Do you feel good about yourself? Do you think you’re getting “better,” whatever that means for you? If you generally feel like things are improving, it’s a sign you’re on the right path. If you don’t feel good about what you’re doing, then stop. There are no rules here that you have to 100% commit to every idea you have for yourself. Some people will decide that what they need is not a personality change, but an acceptance of who they are, or a willingness to try to improve themselves instead of a full personality makeover. It’s up to you to make that choice for yourself!
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