- Many men cheat because of unresolved relationship problems and not having their needs met in the marriage.
- Other reasons for cheating include seeking validation for insecurities, looking for a thrill, and following sexual desire.
- If your husband cheated on you, don't blame yourself. Even if your marriage was on the rocks, there's no excuse for betraying your partner.
Why Men Cheat on Their Spouses
Not having their needs met Men cheat to get something they’re missing in their marriage. They could feel the relationship doesn’t give them what they want emotionally, sexually, or romantically. They could feel a lack of love or want more attention or connection. Your relationship ‘not meeting his needs’ is hard to hear, especially if you love your husband. It’s frustratingly vague, but sometimes men don’t know exactly what’s wrong–just that they’re missing something. Other reasons on this list might clarify what it means for a man to feel his needs aren’t being met.
Marriage tensions If a relationship is more stressful than rewarding, a man might cheat, hurting you even if it’s not your fault. Financial problems, a lack of respect, frequent arguing, low compatibility, and other problems in the relationship could make him want to escape from the marriage.
Sexual desire It’s painful and simple: a married man feels attracted to someone, so he decides to have sex with them. It betrays all the commitments of marriage. The novelty of an affair can make him feel more desire than he usually has, making his attraction seem more urgent and exciting. Lots of people might momentarily be attracted to someone other than their spouse. However, mature people who’ve made a commitment to another person can control themselves and resist that urge. Men sometimes describe being in a sexless marriage as a reason they cheat, but that shouldn’t make you feel like you should have sex when you don’t want to.
Poor communication When a man doesn’t know how to communicate his worries in a relationship, he could end up cheating rather than remedying his problems. If a man is more comfortable taking impulsive action than talking it out, cheating can feel like the only option when he's dissatisfied or upset.
Feeling insecure It’s possible that he feels anxious in the relationship and wants more attention and approval. If he doesn’t feel like he can express his insecurities or ask anyone for that validation, it could lead him to resolve his insecurities in an unhealthy way—cheating. He might seek a confidence boost from someone else, betraying you in the process. Some insecurities are long-lasting due to personality, past relationships, or childhood experiences, while others could have a cause in their current relationship.
Lack of commitment It makes sense: if a man doesn't value a relationship as much, he's more likely to betray his partner. Cheating could be a heartbreaking sign that your partner isn’t as committed to his marriage as he used to be.
Thrill-seeking Some men enjoy the rush of trying something new and forbidden, leaving their partner heartbroken in the dust. If a man's life feels dull, cheating can be exciting because it’s something new and out of bounds. Sneaking around, having a secret, and feeling like a ‘bad boy’ are sometimes part of the appeal. It's perverse, but it's a factor in cheating. The thrill of variety also plays a part. Getting to try something with someone new is tempting if a man is dissatisfied with his life.
Selfishness Some men want more for themselves and don't care about the devastating consequences of cheating for other people. They appreciate their marriage but want more than what they’re getting (whether that’s attention, romance, sex, dates, or just more variety). They use affairs to get more out of life without thinking of anyone’s feelings but their own. It’s especially selfish of him to pursue what he wants without first talking with you about how he’s feeling. Selfish people are more likely to cheat because they have less empathy. This makes them incapable of thinking about other people’s perspectives before they make decisions.
Immaturity Some people make commitments they’re not mature enough to keep. Sadly, even being married doesn’t mean that someone is automatically mature enough to live up to the promises they made at the altar. If he's not mature enough for a responsible and committed relationship, he could cheat to escape the pressure.
Aging Many aging men feel less desirable, which makes them want validation. They can try to regain their self-confidence by pursuing other—often younger—romantic prospects. Cheating makes them feel cool and seductive like they did when they were younger. Insecurity from aging can happen due to a changing body that he’s insecure about or a changing lifestyle that doesn’t feel quite as validating as his younger dating life felt.
Revenge If you cheated on your husband in the past, he may cheat to get back at you. He might want you to feel the same hurt of betrayal that he did. People can also cheat to get back at you for being hurt in a different way, like a lack of respect or a controlling relationship. That isn’t a healthy relationship strategy; it’s better to communicate than to play games of revenge.
Personal traits Certain people have a higher risk of cheating because of personality traits or things they’ve been through. For example, if someone has cheated in a past relationship, they’re much more likely to do it again, becoming a ‘serial cheater.’ Other traits can make someone more likely to cheat, including having parents who cheated, narcissism, unresolved trauma, out-of-control addiction, or avoidant or insecure attachment styles. Even these risk factors don’t make someone cheat, so don’t judge someone because of a risk factor. There are plenty of people in committed and loyal relationships who have these risk factors.
Risky situations Some circumstances are more likely to end up in cheating behavior, like heavy drinking. Alcohol and other drugs impair someone’s judgment and can make them more impulsive. That doesn’t mean that he’s not accountable for his actions, but it can be a factor in cheating. Other circumstances that increase the likelihood of cheating are long periods of time away from each other or having a bad fight.
How to Process a Husband’s Infidelity
Remember that it’s not your fault. No one can make someone else cheat, so at the end of the day, it’s his own fault that he cheated. There are a number of factors that influence someone’s decision, but don't blame yourself if your husband cheats. Infidelity leads to insecurity-- you question your self-worth and confidence in the relationship. But it doesn't have to be that way. It's not your fault, and you're worthy of love.
Take time away from your partner to heal. Regain your confidence and your sense of self-control by focusing on yourself instead of him. This might mean some time away from each other for you to think and process. By taking some time apart before talking about the affair, you'll feel better about yourself and you'll make sure that you both enter the conversation in a calm and collected headspace. Cheating by a spouse is a devastating experience for a person. It creates anger for the immoral action, making it all the more important to take time to process and cool off. It causes anxiety and panic attacks as the infidelity breaks the foundation of the relationship. As a result, focusing on your own wellbeing is the first priority after infidelity. Take a weekend trip for yourself, spend time on hobbies that you enjoy like painting or biking, or spend more time with your friends to focus on your own needs.
Talk to your husband about his cheating. Be honest with each other, both about why he cheated, the extent of his cheating, and how you feel as a result of it. Set boundaries as to how detailed you want the information he gives to be, but know that it's important to fully understand where your husband is coming from. You can only reach a good solution if you understand each other completely. Hold the conversation on your terms. You can pick where you meet to have the conversation, how long it lasts, and what topics are discussed. If he tries to control it, you can say, “Because your decision to cheat impacted me, I feel that it’s my turn to take control of my life and have this conversation on my terms.” As a part of the conversation, tell him exactly how you feel because of his cheating. For example, you can say, “I feel betrayed and hurt,” “I miss feeling close to you,” or “I want to take time away from you for a while.”
Decide whether you want to continue the relationship. Some men cheat to end a relationship, but many are happy in their relationship and want to stay married. Evaluate your marriage to decide if infidelity means the relationship should end. Consider whether you can trust your husband again and if you feel like he can change to support you better in the relationship. Healing your relationship will require genuine remorse from him, full honesty, and therapy.
How to Potentially Prevent Cheating
Communicate well. Schedule time to tell each other how you’re feeling about your lives and express things you want to improve about the relationship. As a part of your conversations, talk with each other about what your marriage means to you. At the end of your conversations, express love for each other and write down goals for things that each person can do to help the relationship remain secure and grow stronger. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements, like “I feel overwhelmed” as opposed to “You’re overwhelming me.” If you’re worried about your partner, ask them: “How do you feel about our relationship?” “What can I do to help you feel happy and fulfilled?” “What are your favorite parts about your life right now?” Notice when your partner seems upset, sad, or distant, and ask them kindly how they’re feeling and what might be wrong.
Express love frequently. Making sure your partner feels loved and appreciated can do wonders to make a relationship more happy and secure. Perform small acts of kindness, like writing them love notes and slipping them in their bag or picking up their favorite snack for them on your way home from work. Tell them the things you appreciate about them, whether it’s about the way they look or some aspect of their personality.
Set relationship boundaries. Create guidelines for your marriage that will prevent potential cheating scenarios, like limiting time with people they have flirted or cheated with or FaceTiming every day during business trips. Create boundaries that allow you to have more independence from each other, like scheduling nights with friends or spa evenings alone, so that the relationship feels less stifling. Make sure that these boundaries aren’t controlling and that you both want them. Trust is also important, so you don’t want to create more suspicion than you remove with these boundaries.
Resolve relationship tensions. Disagreements and stresses are normal in a relationship, and they are solvable. Express your anxieties to your partner rather than bottling them up, and encourage them to do the same. If problems keep coming up, try marriage therapy. Brainstorm ideas together to solve problems or make them less contentious. For example, if you have financial troubles, you might decide to set up your expenses in a more organized spreadsheet. If you argue about household chores, set up a scheduling system to share the chores more equally.
Build up intimacy. This can take a long time, especially if one of you feels hurt or distant, but rebuilding closeness is important for a long-lasting relationship. Talk about your sexual relationship, including your ideal sexual relationship, what each of you enjoys, and what you might feel is missing. Build a foundation of trust and emotional intimacy first if you’re having a hard time feeling sexual desire: honesty and closeness are the baselines for all kinds of intimacy. Plan regular date nights at romantic locations that allow you to have sensitive, caring conversations. Express love in non-physical ways, like through kind words, caring attention, and acts of service.
Accept that your husband is responsible for his own actions. You may not be able to prevent your husband from cheating. He's responsible for his own decisions. A relationship takes two people, and you can't hold it together by yourself. You are enough and you are worthy of love, no matter how other people treat you. You shouldn't have to work to make someone love you.
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