Most random conversations over coffee eventually lead to relationship-related talk, is what one has figured in 2007. Fashion designer, free lance writer, brother, aspiring model, senior editor, dear friend, anonymous critique… All conversations have eventually lead to talks about men-women, status quo, marriage, money and sometimes, love and sex.
If one weren't talking, umpteen researches on everything from virginity to how your boss was affecting your sex life were constantly in the news. While 2007 proved to be the Year of the Sex Research, it was also a year of candid conversations.
One wall-to-wall conversation and a fun survey brought out some interesting interesting differences between men, women and how their changing relationship with money.
M for marriage or M for money?
The only two women who have ever purely discussed money with me have been the manager of my bank (wanted me to buy a gold coin) and a life insurance agent.
Men and women think differently of money. Most women speak of money in terms of spending: Money is that which pays your bill or lets you shop or that which you can save so that you can shop later. Most men who think money, think of it big. "When I am the partner in the firm," or "when I am a millionaire" (or even marry a millionaire's daughter), it's not about immediate spending.
Women hardly talk of becoming CEOs or region heads or millionaires… Unless they are (a) very young and single (b) jilted in love thus only thinking career (c) chronically committed to single-dom/ can't find a man (d) have a family to think of; and even then the family will always take precedence over making the bucks.
A recent research announced how in a marriage, women give preference to the man's career – say if it came to changing cities and jobs – over theirs. Even when removed from the marriage situation, women were only too happy to leave the money and go for love.
A random 'survey' of 18 people – nine men, nine women, 23-30 years old, all earning well, most live away from families, diverse nationalities and occupations – proved the same. The question asked was simple: 'If it came to a choice between marrying/being with the person of my dreams and choosing the job of my dreams (minimum million USD PM), I would choose…?'
Of the 69 % chose marriage over dream job, majority were women. Of the 45 % who chose the job/ money, majority were men. The few women who chose money (or considered it) quickly pointed out how they would have chosen love if life (and men) had taught them otherwise.
Basically, women ONLY think money when there's either a he-has-left-me involved or perhaps a what-if-he-leaves-me. If at all women think of secure future, financial independence and marriage in the same sentence, women think of marrying a man who earns well (and will not leave them).
NEXT PAGE: Girls make homes and boys make money?
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Girls make homes and boys make money?
"So she landed herself a fat catch," announced friend, talking about how a common acquaintance was tying the knot. It wasn't important that this was a love marriage. What counted was that the girl was marrying well. After all the bra-burning, slogan-chanting of the early era and the babe-blog to book deals in the current one; the idea of independent women seems to have come full circle.
Instead of learning cooking skills till you get married, women today indulge in boardroom tactics. Instead of mutely settling for a boy your parents chose for you, women actively partake in arranging their own marriages. But it all eventually leads to the altar. When it comes to choosing the C word, women still prefer commitment over career and love's got nothing to do with it.
Marriage counselors and sociologists point to accepted social ways for most women giving up their professional lives for a personal one.
"While everyone strives to have a balance between career and personal life, stereotypes when it comes to settling for either apply more to women than to men," says Dr Samir Parikh, (Psychiatrist, Max Medicentre. "If you apply the question of career versus family to men, they too will find it hard to choose. On the other hand, no man would want a brilliant family life and a lousy career. While the same applies to women as well, given the established norms, it's more likely for women's careers to take the backseat than mens'."
So nothing really has changed. Boys still want to make money and girls still want to marry boys who make money. And very soon girls will go back to standing beside the sink and only boys will enter the boardroom. Not so, say both Dr Parikh and Dr Vasantha R Patri, chairperson, Indian Institute of Counseling, New Delhi. It could mean more house-husbands though.
When asked if it mattered whether the man earned more than the woman in a relationship, a whopping 83 % of the random survey group said it did not matter as long as the couple communicated and shared. Men are more than comfortable with their partners earning more than them or staying at home. Dr Patri too points out how many are breaking out of stereotypes. More men and women are delaying marriages, couples are delaying having children, changing priorities, more women are refusing to give up their careers or don't have to because their spouse decides to hold the fort at home instead.
"It's not always that the woman has to choose family over career. It can be a coexistence of both. Men have realized the importance of having a family life along with their careers as well… or handle the house if the need arises," says Dr Patri.
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