How to break your single status

Why do you read this column? Are you looking for help or just basking in your solidarity? Too many people flick through magazines and website to find an answer, and too many authors write pointless self-help articles for some spare change. If you want to hear the truth, research conducted by me, in association with the university of life, should give you the true, reliable results you need.If you want to know the key to finding a partner, perhaps these basic points can help you figure out just where you are going wrong: You are single ‘out of choice’: Yeah, right, you know who you are. You’re too busy focusing on your career, your school work, or your miniature train set. Throw in the towel, this is no excuse for loneliness.If you really can’t make space in your routine, get a gold fish or something, nothing too high maintenance in case you forget.You haven’t met ‘Mr/ Mrs Right’ yet: There’s no such thing as Mr or Mrs Right.You are repulsive to the opposite sex. This is highly unlikely, unless you are in the 1 per cent of people who truly are Yoda-like in appearance, it’s probably all in your head. Don’t worry if a bully called you names in school or you hairline is further back than it used to be. Confidence is the most attractive thing, oh and money, lots and lots of money.You lack confidence: Fake it, even if it means being obnoxious. Like it or not, people react more to idiots than nice, shy people.You lack money: Get a job, kid! Get a job or get out of my house! You live in a monastery: Monastery’s aren’t usually where the party’s at, if you’re looking for another half, not on an earthly level anyway.You possess no reproductive organs: Unlucky, try the fish thing...You look identical to Josef Fritzl: Ouch, mate.You are Josef Fritzl: How did you get this? There’s nobody you like: In a city? You don’t know anybody: Another reason to get a job, kid! Go on! You live on a desert island with a palm tree for company: Well, that tree could become a real buddy if you took the time to get to know it.If you don’t hit any of these categories and are still having trouble, try emigrating or, perhaps, kidnapping. The first needs a plane ticket and a place to go, the latter, well, not much really, a car perhaps? Some rope? Get creative.