- Before leaving your spouse, think about their willingness to change and whether or not you can learn to trust them again.
- Weigh the severity of their lies. If your spouse is dishonest about big things, like finances or infidelity, it may be time to go.
- Think about how the lies are impacting your mental health and the mental health of your children, if you have any.
Signs of Lying
They change their story often. When someone is lying, they may talk too much or switch up their story mid-sentence. Listen to your spouse when they tell you something, but don’t ask questions or make any comments. It’s likely that they will get nervous and backtrack or contradict something they’ve already said. For instance, your spouse might say, “I went on a run yesterday after work.” If you don’t respond, they might add, “Well, actually it wasn’t a run, it was more of a nature walk. And I went with a coworker.”
They avoid eye contact with you. Pay attention to what your spouse does when they tell you something. Do they look you in the eye and confidently say what they want to say? Or do they shift their eyes around, intentionally looking away? Avoiding eye contact is a key indicator that someone likely isn’t telling the truth. But that’s not the only reason someone might not look you in the eye—for example, many people look away when they’re trying to remember something or think something through. Avoiding eye contact is more of a red flag than a definitive sign.
They leave out key details. Maybe your spouse tells you where they were, but not who they were with. Or, maybe they’re intentionally vague and don’t respond well when you ask clarifying questions. These are signs that they’re intentionally trying not to tell you something. For instance, maybe you ask, “Why’d you get home so late last night?” Your spouse might say, “Oh, we just got caught up.”
They change their behavior drastically. Maybe your spouse used to come home from work at 5 pm every day, but now you don’t see them until 8 pm. Or, maybe they used to invite you to hang out with their friends, but now they want to go alone. Changes in behavior like these can seem small, but they all point to one thing: your spouse is likely not being truthful with you. Your spouse might also have emotional changes, like acting out suddenly or getting angry very quickly. These are signs that they are under stress, possibly because they’re worried about getting caught in their lies.
They get defensive very quickly. Maybe you very casually ask them a question about their day, and they blow up and get angry. When someone gets defensive right away, it’s very likely that they’re hiding something or they don’t want to tell you something. For instance, maybe you ask, “Oh, I thought you were seeing Mark today. Did your plans change?” Your spouse might respond with, “Yes, they changed! I don’t have to tell you everything!”
They have contradictory body language. Your partner’s body language can give away their true feelings, even if their words won’t. Pay attention to what your partner’s body does when you ask them a question. For instance, if you ask them, “Are you telling me the truth?” and they say “Yes!” while shaking their head, their body language is telling you “no.” Or, they might say a statement very confidently, like “I went to the store after work.” But when you look at their body language, they look extremely unconfident: they might be glancing around the room, slouching, or crossing their arms.
They become distant or withdrawn. People often become distant when they’re lying to you because they’re worried about how you’ll react if you find out. Your spouse might seem more closed off and less willing to talk to you because of their own emotional turmoil inside. For instance, maybe you two used to chat during dinner, but now your spouse only looks at their phone or the TV.
They try to distract you. Your spouse may avoid certain topics by asking you questions or bringing up a different subject. If that happens, don’t let it derail you. Switch the subject back to your original question to avoid letting your spouse get out of talking about it. Maybe you ask your spouse, “Where’d you go last night?” Your spouse might say, “Oh, nowhere, really. Hey, have you seen Jamie’s new baby? What a cutie!”
Confronting a Lying Spouse
Confront them right away. Tell your spouse that you’ve noticed something is off, then share what you’ve observed. Ask them simply, “Have you been lying to me?” Then, give them a chance to open up and confess. If your spouse is used to lying, they may double down and insist that nothing is wrong. Simply list out the shady behavior you’ve noticed and give them another chance to address things.
Ask them why they felt the need to lie. Sometimes, people will lie because they’re afraid of being judged. To get to the bottom of your spouse’s behavior, ask them why they thought you wouldn’t accept them or understand what they said. This can open up a great conversation between you two, and it can even help start to repair the relationship. “Did you think I would judge you if you told me that you went to see Heather?” “I don’t understand why you hid the fact that you had a drink last night. Could you explain?”
Communicate your need for honesty as a boundary. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust. Let your spouse know that without total honesty, you can’t comfortably continue the relationship. Hopefully, they’ll realize just how serious you are, and will make changes to be more honest with you in the future. “You know just how important honesty is to me. From now on, I need you to tell me the truth all the time, okay? Even if you think it might make me upset.” “If you don’t start being completely honest with me, I’m going to have to rethink this relationship.”
Go to couples therapy. Depending on how often your spouse lies and the severity of those lies, you may need a third party to help. Make an appointment with a counselor, then talk about what you and your spouse have been going through. They can give you unbiased advice and help your spouse be more honest with you.
Considerations before Leaving
How severe the lies are Some people lie about little things, like splurging on an expensive electronic or not following their diet. But if your spouse is lying about big things, like infidelity or addiction, then it may be in your best interest to leave. The bigger the lies get, the more their repercussions might negatively affect your life. And as your partner’s messes pile up, potentially wreaking havoc on your finances and mental health, you might find that their actions are more and more difficult to forgive. Ask yourself: Are these lies something I can move past in the future? Will these lies negatively impact my finances, my children, or my mental health?
Your spouse’s willingness to change If your spouse isn’t willing to change, then it'll be nearly impossible to improve your relationship dynamic. Even pathological liars can make positive adjustments with therapy and time. Talk to your spouse and get a sense of the amount of work they’re willing to do to keep this relationship. If they’re indifferent or unwilling to do anything, it may be in your best interest to go. You probably know by now that a marriage takes 2 to make it thrive. If your spouse is content with continuing to lie to you and break your trust, then it’s very unlikely that they will ever change. At that point, you owe it to yourself to leave.
Your communication skills as a couple Is it possible that your spouse’s lies are a result of a miscommunication? Or, maybe your spouse feels like they’d be judged or shamed for their behavior. While these aren’t excuses for lying, it’s worth having an open, honest conversation about your spouse’s behavior and where it comes from before making any decisions. Communication can be worked on, especially if both partners commit to making a change. If you figure out that your spouse’s lies are the result of a communication issue, work on communicating better by committing to listening and asking questions whenever one of you is confused.
How the lies are impacting you Is your spouse’s lying causing you a lot of stress? Is it making you doubt your marriage? Lies, even small ones, can cause a lot of turmoil in a relationship. If that’s something you’re not willing to put up with anymore, you’re well within your rights to leave. Over time, lots of stress can even negatively impact your health. If you know that this situation is causing you a lot of stress, it’s in your best interest to leave.
How the lies are impacting your children If you have kids, try to think about your spouse’s behavior and how it’s impacting them. Is your spouse lying to your children? Is your spouse lying about your children? Doing what’s best for your kids will help you make a decision moving forward. Even if your kids are young, they may start to pick up on your spouse’s behavior and how it’s affecting you. Children learn from their parent’s behavior, and they may think that it’s acceptable to lie if they see your partner doing it.
Whether or not the lies are affecting your finances If your partner lies about their income or spending habits, it could start to affect your savings, your credit, and your income-to-debt ratio. Take a hard look at your finances and make a decision whether to stay or to go based on how bad your partner has affected them. If you and your spouse have combined finances, meaning a shared checking account, savings account, or credit card, they could be impacting your credit and financial stability.
What your life would look like after leaving Do you have a support system who could help you out after you leave your spouse? Can you make your own money? Where would you live? Sit down and think about everything that would change if you left your spouse, then decide whether or not it’s worth it to start the divorce process. Even if you’re unsure about the future, your happiness matters the most. If you know you can’t trust your spouse anymore and you won’t be happy in the relationship no matter what, then it’s time to leave.
How Lying Affects Relationships
It breaks trust. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust. When your spouse lies, then that trust is broken, and it can take a long time to rebuild. It’s definitely possible to regain trust in your spouse, but it takes a lot of time and effort from both parties. A lack of trust leads to resentment, which eventually leads to a dysfunctional or unhealthy relationship dynamic.
It can affect your confidence. When we marry someone, we trust ourselves to choose an honest partner. When you find out that your spouse has been lying to you, it can make you doubt your own instincts, which can affect your self-esteem and your self-confidence. It’s important to remember that your spouse’s actions say much more about them than they say about you. Similarly, the person who is lying can start to be overcome with guilt, leading to low self-esteem over time.
It can cause long-term trauma. Being deceived by someone you love can set you up for years of distrust and uncertainty in others. Even if you move on and find healthy relationships, it’s possible that you may still have trust issues because of your spouse’s behavior. That’s why it’s so important to talk to a mental health professional about your situation. Don’t have time to see an in-person counselor? Try an online therapy service like Better Help.
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