Is sexual boredom inevitable in a relationship?
No—just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean sex has to become boring. Sexual boredom can mean a lot of things, mainly sex that's dull, routine, or the same every time. Because so many factors can contribute to it, it's not inevitable. While it's true that most relationships aren't always as passionate as when they began, sexual boredom isn't a given. Since sexual boredom is so subjective, it means different things to everyone, and there's no precise amount of time when sex becomes boring. A couple's sex life is as unique as they are, so you can't put a timeline on passion or boredom.
When does sexual boredom happen?
When sex is just routine or passionless. Ever heard of maintenance sex? This is when a couple has sex just for the sake of doing it, even if they don't feel like it. They might do it because they always do it on that day of the week for instance. While there's nothing wrong with predictable sex, it's not very exciting, so it doesn't stimulate you the same way.
When health problems cause sexual dissatisfaction. Sometimes, a medical issue can reduce your sex drive or make sex painful. Medical issues like depression, ADHD, sleep problems, or even diabetes can reduce sexual satisfaction.
When couples become scared to try new things in the bedroom. Part of what makes sex so exciting in an early relationship is that everything is new! Over time, partners figure out what satisfies them sexually and they tend to stick with the same things. Eventually, partners become afraid to try new things. They stick to their comfort zones, which becomes dull.
Preventing and Fixing Sexual Boredom
Spend more time on foreplay and setting the mood. If sex has become routine or you're worried that you do the same things every time before sex, shake things up! Make sex more about intimacy and emotional connection so it feels passionate and exciting. Set aside time for sex rather than leaving it to when you're both tired. Focus more on foreplay and figuring out what stimulates your partner. These can help you both get in the mood. If you always wait for your partner to initiate sex, take the lead. You might feel vulnerable doing this, but putting yourself out there will strengthen your connection to your partner.
Communicate your sexual needs to your partner. Think of sex as a mutual hobby and talk about it so you both get your desires met. You don't have to wait until you're having sex to talk. Bring it up beforehand and just share that you'd like to spice things up a little. Offer some suggestions and ask how your partner is feeling about your sex life. Being on the same page can make sex more powerful and satisfying. For example, you might say, "It seems like we're in a bit of a rut with our sex life. I was thinking we could try some new things. What do you think?"
Be spontaneous or more adventurous with your sex life. Studies found that people had higher sexual satisfaction when they had more variety in their sex life. This might mean trying new positions, having more oral sex, having sex more often or in different places—anything that stimulates desire. For instance, you might try something that you've never done as a couple. Do role-playing, sexy talk, phone sex, or set a romantic mood.
Treat underlying medical conditions that make sex unsatisfying. If you or your partner have medical concerns, it's really important to see your primary care physician. They can help you treat sexual dysfunction, manage depression, treat ADHD, or address sleep problems, all of which can impact your sex life.
Spend time doing exciting new things out of the bedroom. Your body releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter that can make you feel pleasure, both during sex and when you're doing fun new activities. Get out with your partner and just play! You might go out to a concert, hit the trail, or try a new activity like dance classes or rock climbing. If you're not sure what to do together, have one person take the lead and plan a surprise date. Then, trade-off so next time, the other person comes up with the fun activity. This can keep your dates surprising and exciting.
Work together with a sex therapist or coach. You don't have to wait until there are major problems in your relationship; reach out to a sex therapist for tips on how to improve your sex life. They can help you communicate your needs to your partner and teach you ways to physically connect with them so you two feel more intimate. For instance, a sex therapist might help you explain to your partner what you're hoping for from sex. If you have a hard time talking about sex, they can help normalize it so you feel comfortable talking about it.
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