Is it normal to fight a lot at the beginning of a relationship?
Some fighting is normal in relationships, and it might not be a bad sign. Most, if not all, couples fight at some point. If you're fighting sooner in your relationship than you expected, it might just mean the two of you are self-assured and opinionated (ultimately positive qualities). Notice how you and your partner treat each other during your disagreement. As long as you both remain empathetic and understanding, fighting early in the relationship might not be a bad thing at all. Alternatively, if you or your partner is insulting or mistreating the other, or you're fighting over big issues like infidelity or lying, that might be a red flag.
When do couples normally start fighting?
It's common to start fighting after the honeymoon phase is over. Every couple is different, but this period in a relationship usually lasts between 3 months and 2 years. During the honeymoon phase, higher levels of dopamine and oxytocin are released in your brain. These chemicals are usually responsible for that passionate, overwhelming feeling of falling in love. As you get to know each other, that passion may subside, and you might start noticing your differences. If you have your first fight earlier than 3 months in, that doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Just make sure that you're both listening to each other, empathizing with the other's perspective, and finding solutions.
What should I expect from the first fight?
You might notice things you don't like about your partner. During the honeymoon phase of the relationship, you usually overlook any of your partner's less redeemable qualities. Even if you do notice these differences, you might ignore them (they're gorgeous, funny, and smart—who cares if they don't clean up after themselves?). After your first fight, you might see your partner as only human, flaws and all. If these flaws aren't dealbreakers for you, then try to look past them and remember the good in your partner. Remind yourself that you have flaws, too, and accept them for who they are. Perhaps these flaws are dealbreakers (lack of commitment or lying are pretty big ones). In that case, voice your concerns respectfully and see if their behavior changes. You could say, "I completely understand that you're friends with your ex, but I'd appreciate if you were honest with me about when you see each other."
You may feel more comfortable being honest going forward. When you first start dating, you're still getting to know each other. You might not feel ready to voice your concerns or state your boundaries because you don't want to scare them off. After your first fight, the two of you have established that you can get through conflict and still want to be with each other. This helps you feel more comfortable being yourself and addressing your needs. Be open and honest about your boundaries and needs in your relationship, even if you've only been dating a few months. The early stages of the relationship are a great opportunity to establish what does and doesn't work for you. You might say, "I can be a little sensitive sometimes. It's important to me that if we ever have a disagreement, we don't raise our voices or yell at each other." Going too long without speaking up might actually harm your relationship more than a fight, as it could lead to resentment and misunderstandings.
You'll learn how the two of you handle conflict. Everyone handles disagreements differently. Your first fight is an opportunity to see how you and your partner fight, and whether either of you has room to learn and grow in this department. You might realize that you have a hard time listening to your partner when you're upset with them, for example. Instead of beating yourself up about this, try to see it as an opportunity to grow and work on listening to your partner going forward. You might consider talking to your partner about your fight after things have cooled off. You could say something like, "I feel like things got a little heated and I'm sorry about that. Next time we disagree, I'll try my best to stay calm."
How do you fight in a healthy way?
Have empathy for your partner's perspective. Even if you don't agree, try to put yourself in your partner's shoes. See what they're saying from their perspective, and express to them that you respect their point of view. "I was a little sad that you didn't invite me along to see that movie with you, but I understand that you needed some alone time." "I get that it hurt when I didn't respond to your text. That would hurt my feelings, too."
Listen to what your partner has to say. Turn off your phone and give your partner your full attention when you're working through a disagreement. Rather than focusing on what you'll say in response, pay attention to their words and what they're sharing with you. To clarify what they're saying, try rephrasing what they've said in your own words. This can help you avoid misunderstandings and show that you're making an effort to understand their perspective, even if you don't see eye to eye. "I think I understand. You wish I would make more of an effort to plan dates for us." "I get it. You're frustrated that I spend so much time on my phone."
If you don't understand your partner's point of view, ask questions. This shows that you're making an effort to see things from their point of view. It can also help you learn more about your partner so that you can avoid this disagreement in the future. "I know you're frustrated that I haven't been making enough time for you. What could I do that would make you feel better?" "I'm a little confused and I want to understand. Could you let me know what I said that offended you?"
Take a break if things are getting too heated. Perhaps you two have been talking through the issue and are only getting more upset. In that case, calmly let your partner know that you need a break before you can keep talking about the subject. Excuse yourself for a few minutes or meet up later in the day to work out the issue. This can help you avoid saying things you'll regret and give you some time to decompress. "I want to work through this with you, but I think I need some time to decompress and calm down." "I'm having trouble articulating how I feel right now. I need a few minutes to think about this before we keep talking."
Find a compromise. In order to move on from your disagreement, try to come up with a solution that you both feel good about. Talk about what each of you needs in order to feel better, and then make a plan to change going forward. That way, the two of you can get back to having fun and enjoying each other's company. Maybe your partner likes texting all day, but you don't like spending time on your phone. You might agree to check in with each other over text 1-2 times a day as a compromise. Perhaps you're frustrated that you always end up paying the bill when you go out. Agree to split the check or take turns paying going forward.
Apologize if the situation calls for it. Everyone messes up sometimes, so if the fight is a result of a mistake you made, don't be so hard on yourself. Give your partner a sincere apology, promise to change your behavior going forward, and forgive yourself. "I'm so sorry I forgot to pick you up from work. I was so distracted today, but that's no excuse. I'll make sure I follow through next time."
Practice forgiveness if you'd like to move forward. Everyone makes mistakes, and it's necessary to forgive your partner in order to keep moving forward with your relationship. If, however, your partner did something serious or really hurt you, it's okay to take some time to think about it. If you'd like to forgive your partner, but are having trouble doing that, try to see the issue from their perspective or remind yourself of a time that you messed up. That might make forgiveness a little easier. You may decide that you can't forgive your partner for what they did. In that case, it might be time to walk away from the relationship. This might be painful, but remember that there are other people out there who will treat you the way you want to be treated.
Red Flags to Watch Out For
Fighting about important things like values. Values might include the commitment level you're looking for in a relationship, your political and religious views, or your belief in institutions like marriage. Though it's totally possible to date someone who holds different personal beliefs, fighting over fundamentally different views like this early on might suggest that the two of you aren't compatible. Perhaps one of you wants to be in a monogamous relationship, while the other doesn't want anything exclusive. Fighting about this might mean that you're not looking for the same thing. It's also possible that the two of you can work out your differences through empathy and compromise. Just make sure that you're not ignoring your values or needs in order to stay in the relationship.
Arguments about your future as a couple. Having fundamentally different ideas about the future for your relationship early on likely won't change. Though it's totally possible to grow with your partner and realize you want a more serious relationship over time, it's best to date someone for the person they are right now (and not who you hope they will become). Perhaps your partner wants to have kids, but you don't think you want to start a family. Maybe you eventually want to move to a new city, but your partner wants to stay where you are.
Big mistakes like infidelity or lying. Everyone makes mistakes, but these issues might be red flags early on in the relationship. If your partner or you are struggling to remain faithful or tell the truth, that might mean your relationship is not starting off with a solid foundation. Whether you decide to forgive your partner is entirely up to you. Some couples are able to work through infidelity and become stronger than before. If you do decide to forgive your partner and it happens again, it might be time to walk away.
Constant criticism, mistreatment, or abuse. Emotional and physical abuse early on in the relationship is a major red flag, and it's likely that it will only get more serious as the relationship continues. If your partner is putting you down, disregarding your boundaries, or physically threatening or hurting you, it is always the right decision to walk away. Warning signs of abuse include: Insulting you and making you feel like you can't do anything right Extreme jealousy or attempting to isolate you from your friends and family Lying, manipulation, and gaslighting Pressuring you to have sex or do things that you don't want to do Physically threatening or hurting you in any way
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