How to Respond to a Narcissist's Text

Just leave them on “read”.

Ignore their text to protect yourself and give yourself relief. Follow the “no contact” rule and leave a narcissist’s text unanswered. “No contact” means you will ignore any communication from a narcissist. The best way to practice the “no contact” method is to delete any text you receive. You can also block a narcissist’s phone number. When you remove any way they can contact you, treat yourself to fun activities and good company. When you stop seeing texts from a narcissist, you’ll feel a lot better. The chemicals in your brain that might have made you feel attached to the narcissist won’t be activated anymore, and you’ll feel more energized.

Use “yes” and “no” answers if talking to them is necessary.

Give short replies to keep the conversation brief. If you need to talk to them because you co-parent a child or you need to discuss an important matter like a court case, go “low contact.” “Low contact” is when you reduce how much you’ll say to a narcissist and how often you’ll communicate with them. When you send a text that’s just one word, you can focus on details that matter to you and go on with the rest of your day. If you’d like to go from “low contact” to “no contact”, list why a narcissist shows up and how to remove them from your life. Maybe you’ve been running into them because they go to the same family gatherings. Consider scheduling different visits with your other relatives. Maybe you’ll need to skip some family reunions, file for divorce, or join a new club. That way, you will spend time apart from a narcissist and you’ll have less to talk about.

Express your boundaries when you reply.

Say what treatment you will accept to stand up for your needs. Tell them if they can only text once a week or after work. You can also explain that you have a short amount of time for a respectful conversation. If you need to talk about facts and not opinions, share that, too. Express what’s best for you and give them any rules you need them to follow to stay in contact with you. “Please text me after work.” “I am available to talk on Tuesday.” “I’ll reply if we just talk about the kids’ progress reports.”

Share your own experiences if they text about a memory.

Talk about events you remember and prioritize your point of view. Reply to a text with their perspective with your own personal account of any situation that involves them. For example, if they say you put work first, remind them that you don’t put in overtime hours and that you take vacations. Return to any point you want to make and take your own observations seriously. “I have screenshots of that conversation.” “Four parents at the PTA meeting can confirm what I said.” “I can describe three situations that show how patient I am.”

Compliment them if you need a favor.

If you need them to take action, praise will inspire them to assist you. If they text and you decide that it’s in your best interest to reply, choose your words carefully. For example, if you need them to pick your kids up from swim practice, praise them for their parenting skills. They’re more likely to help out if you give them an ego boost. Remember that when you use words of approval with a narcissist, you’re just helping yourself out. “I really appreciate how helpful you’re being during this move. Can you please bring over my movie collection?” “I really value that you’ve been paying the child support on time.” “You’re amazing at filing and organization. Would you mind bringing over those documents tomorrow?”

Say you have a new support system if they text to reconnect.

Tell them you want to spend time talking to other people to keep the chat short. If a narcissist texts and wants to bond, remind them that you have a lot of friends and mentors. Point out that you feel better in the new social environment you’ve found. You can thank a narcissist for any curiosity and concern and then reveal that you’ve moved on. “I appreciate that you reached out. I’m actually doing fine! Be well!” “I’m really liking it in this new city. Everyone’s really nice. I just don’t have a lot of time to text now!” "The faculty at my school is great and really helpful. I’ve got a lot of projects I need to focus on. Take care!”

Respond to their concerns with kindness and integrity.

Keep text exchanges positive to put them at ease. Treat them with the empathy and compassion that you’d show anyone else. Send thoughtful messages that anyone would appreciate seeing. For instance, you can ask them about their goals or check in about their feelings. You can talk briefly about school or their loneliness. Then, politely end the conversation, set down your phone, and unwind. For example, if a narcissist brags about getting a great new job, you could say "I'm so happy for you." Just make sure that you balance out the conversation by including yourself, too—there's nothing wrong with tooting your own horn a little bit! According to some studies, narcissists can develop empathy over time if they’re encouraged and shown understanding. If you are going to text a narcissist back, make sure you have lots of friends to talk to later. Reply only when you have enough energy to engage.

Encourage them to find professional help if you’re unavailable.

Refer them to a trained therapist so they can evaluate their patterns. Suggest they try talking to a mental health professional to unpack any challenges they’re facing when they interact with others. Keep your language broad and general. You can just point out that you think they should learn more about how they manage their relationships. Let a therapist go into greater detail about any traits they see in the person texting you. They’ll know how to discuss the texter’s personality and how it impacts others.

Breathe deeply and practice mindfulness after reading the text.

Use relaxation strategies to help you stay calm. A text from a narcissist may make you tense up, so take care of yourself with some grounding exercises. Set down your phone and focus on your body’s reactions. If your muscles are clenching up, roll your shoulders and massage your jaw. Ten or more deep breaths will keep you at a normal resting heart rate. Close your eyes and relax every muscle group. When you stop and ground yourself, any feelings of anger can fade. You can also visualize an image that makes you hopeful or happy. You might have plans to go to the beach on the weekend or have a fun wedding to attend.

Chat with a friend about any feelings that come up.

Vent to those close to you so you can follow a “no contact” rule. If you decide to go “no contact” with a narcissist and talk to only people you trust, text or call a friend. Reach out and check if they’re available to listen. Share any emotions that came up for you when you received a certain text. It’ll be a lot easier to go “no contact” when you have a lot of other people to reach out to. Ask your friends if they’re ready to unpack the text. If they’re busy or have a lot going on, you can always reschedule a time to talk. If some friends need to talk later, keep following up with other people so you find the support you need.

Schedule time to talk to a therapist.

Book an appointment so you can examine the impact of the text. Speak with a professional trained in healing from narcissistic abuse. They can walk you through practices that build self-esteem, confidence, and strong boundaries. When you need an outlet to describe how you feel about a narcissist and their treatment, a therapist will help you go “no contact” and give you the opportunity to express yourself. A therapist trained in “addiction therapy” can help you remove a “trauma bond,” a chemical reaction that is triggered when a narcissist reaches out. Talk therapy can also identify abuse like “gaslighting,” a form of manipulation that may make you question your beliefs. A therapist focuses on validating your experiences. Your sessions will mainly focus on talking about your self-worth and the happiness you deserve.