How to Eat Ribs

Stocking Supplies

Don't dress up. The handheld and saucy nature of ribs means that they're an inherently casual food. They're a staple of laid-back gatherings like cookouts. Respect their relaxed qualities (and the relaxed qualities of the party or venue you're attending) by wearing comfortable and easy-to-wash clothes. T-shirts, cotton shirts, and denim are all appropriate choices. It's probably smartest to avoid white or pastel colors. If you're a lipstick-wearing person, consider switching to lip balm for the evening (unless you're going for the Joker look).

Prepare absorbent materials. Ribs are delicious because they're a fall-apart tender, barbecue-sauce-soaked food that you eat with your hands. These wonderful qualities also make them a rather messy treat. Get ready by making sure you have your preferred clean-up supplies at hand, which could include paper towels, paper napkins, or moist towelettes. Some people wear bibs at restaurants or cookouts. This is okay if everyone else is doing it, but it might be eccentric to be the lone adult bib-wearer. A detergent pen (like a Tide To Go pen) is a useful thing to bring as well. Bring extra moist towelettes for your friends--you'll be popular and polite.

Recognize a finger bowl. A finger bowl is a retro, but useful conceit: it's a small bowl filled with water that you can rinse your saucy fingers in. If you're eating ribs in a (slightly) more formal setting, your server may set it on the table during the meal or bring it after you eat your ribs.

Pick a beverage. Ribs are delicious, but you need something to wash them down, as well. Whether you drink alcohol or not, pick a beverage that you feel complements the rich nature of ribs and sauce. This way, you won't get bogged down by the flavors when you're eating. If you don't drink, iced tea (sweet or not) is a classic choice to go along with barbeque. If picking a red wine, try something with rich and fruity notes to play off the meatiness of the ribs. Malty-flavored and Oktoberfest-type beers go well with ribs, too.

Eating the Ribs

Choose your rack. If you get to pick your own set of ribs, you're very lucky. It should be an intuitive choice: look for the ribs that best reflect your ideal. This means that if you're extremely hungry, and there's plenty of ribs, it's good to go for a big set. If you like plenty of sauce, look for that. If you don't need a ton of sauce, then save the really saucy ribs for your friends who do.

Cut a rib off the rack. Using a table knife, separate one of the rib bones from its fellows. This should not require a ton of force: rib meat is tender, so gentle sawing should do the trick. If the ribs are tender enough, you should even be able to tear the rib away, instead of cutting it.

Pick up your rib. Hold the separated above your plate in case anything drops from it. Use your index finger, middle finger, and thumb to hold each end. This should keep it fairly stable, and ensure you at least a couple clean fingers. Don't stick your pinkies in the air, because that looks silly.

Work from one end to the other. If you bite into the middle of the rib at first, the meat at both ends might fall off, and then you'll have to eat the meat scraps with your fingers off your plate. Avoid this indignity by picking one end of the rib to begin with, and then biting progressively to the other side.

Eat slowly. There are several reasons to take small bites and chew methodically. One is that ribs are a choking hazard--taking huge bites might mean you swallow a bone by mistake. Another is that ribs are served on social occasions. You'll want to be able to talk and bond with the people you're eating with. Furthermore, ribs are a wonderful treat, and they should be savored. Finally, if you eat carefully, you probably won't end up terribly messy!

Cleaning Up

Don't share leftovers with babies or pets. If adults can choke on rib bones, the danger is even greater for dogs and infants who haven't learned careful eating conventions yet. It's much better to save leftovers in the refrigerator than it is to give them to your golden retriever.

Wash your hands with soap and water. This is a good practice after you eat in any case, but it's especially good if you have just been eating food covered in sugary sauce! Excuse yourself to the kitchen or bathroom, then thoroughly wash your hands. Wet your hands with warm water. Add soap. This can be bar, powder, or liquid soap. It doesn't need to be antibacterial, but it does need to be plentiful enough that you can see multiple bubbles. Massage the soap around for twenty seconds, or the time it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” twice. Get the fronts and backs of your hands, between your fingers, and under your nails. Rinse thoroughly with warm water.

Check your face and teeth. If you're in the bathroom already, make use of the mirror. Are there smudges of barbeque sauce along your cheeks, like contoured makeup gone terribly wrong? Do your teeth look like you're the star of a documentary about Tasmanian devils? Clean yourself up with water and toilet paper, and dental floss if you need it.

Get barbeque sauce off fabric. If you've accidentally gotten sauce on upholstery or clothing, it's best to get it off now, before it sets. A detergent pen is one of the best ways to do this, but if you don't, dab (don't rub) the stained side of the fabric with a wet cloth. If it's possible, hold a dry cloth on the other side of the fabric to absorb the sauce.

Take care of dishes. If you're eating off china plates at your own or a friend's house, make sure they get to the kitchen as soon as possible after the meal! This will keep the sauce from congealing, which makes it more difficult to get off. Obviously, it's much easier to get rid of paper plates--do this in a timely fashion as well, as scraps of meat can start to smell quickly.

Thank whoever made the ribs. Ribs are a glorious gift to be treasured. Whether you ate at a friend's house or in a restaurant, thanking the chef is an excellent thing to do. Say something enthusiastic and sincere, like “Thank you for the ribs, and your company! They were the highlight of my week.”