How to Deal with Toxic Parents

Emotionally Detaching from Your Parents

Avoid taking responsibility for their feelings or needs. Your toxic parent may use guilt to manipulate you into doing what they want. However, you aren’t responsible for making them happy. Don’t do things just to please them or sacrifice what you want to make them happy. For instance, your mom may expect you to drop what you’re doing and comfort her whenever she’s upset. Don’t feel obligated to do this. You might say, "I need to finish my homework right now. I'll come listen to you when I'm finished," or "I have my own responsibilities to take care of. I can give you 10 minutes, but that's it." EXPERT TIP Adam Dorsay, PsyD Adam Dorsay, PsyD Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008. Adam Dorsay, PsyD Adam Dorsay, PsyD Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker Children of toxic parents often sacrifice their own needs for the sake of their parents. Adam Dorsay, a licensed psychologist, says: “Children of toxic or narcissistic parents often become experts at discerning ‘What does Mommy or Daddy want? How can I make them happy?’ As a result of vigilantly monitoring their parents they often struggle to know who they are or what they want in life.”

Accept that you cannot change them. While you likely want your parents to start treating you well, it’s not possible to change someone else. The only person you can change is you. Stop trying to get them to change. Instead, focus on what you can do to feel better about the relationship. For example, you may wish that your parents wouldn’t criticise you for not having perfect grades. They likely won’t stop this behavior, so it may be better to ignore them. Then, talk to your teacher about the efforts you’re putting into the class and let them give you positive feedback.

Stop taking what they say to you personally. Your parents may say some really hurtful things to you, and it’s natural to believe what your parents say. However, their hurtful words are really about them, not you. When they say something mean to you, remind yourself that it’s not accurate. Then, tell yourself something nice. As an example, let’s say your dad says, “I can’t believe I have such a lazy child.” While your feelings may be hurt, question the accuracy of what he said. List the reasons why it’s not true, such as “I work hard in school,” “I keep my room clean,” “I do well at my job,” or “I’m pursuing a goal.” Tell yourself something like, “I know I’m not lazy because I work so hard at school.”Tip: If you find yourself thinking about the hurtful things they say, try hearing them in a funny voice. For instance, you might repeat the mean statement in a high-pitched, squeaky voice. This will make it sound silly so you can more easily dismiss it.

Limit what you tell them about yourself and your life. Your toxic parent may use what you say against you. Instead of confiding in them, talk to someone you can trust, like a friend or relative. Just make sure you pick someone who won’t report what you say to your parents. For example, you might not tell your parents that you’ve started seeing someone new or that you’ve had a disagreement with an old friend.

Plan an exit strategy for when they’re mistreating you. If you live with your parents or spend time with them around the holidays, it’s likely that you’ll encounter a tough situation. Make a plan in advance for how you’ll get away from them. You might make up a story, make other plans, or find somewhere you can go to be alone. For example, excuse yourself to the bathroom, pretend like you’re getting an important call or text, or tell them you have somewhere to be. You might say, “Oh, no! I forgot that I have to do a group project today. I’ve got to get over to Sarah’s house so I don’t get a bad grade.” If you can, ask someone to help you, such as a partner, sibling, or friend. Use a code word for when you need out of the situation, then have them offer an excuse.Tip: Create a few go-to phrases to help you end a conversation. Validate what your parent seems to be feeling, then excuse yourself. You might say, “I can see that you’re upset, so I’ll give you some time alone,” “You seem really angry, so I’ll go to my room,” or “It looks like you’re frustrated, and I understand that. Let me go think about a way to fix this.”

Setting Boundaries

Decide what you will and won’t tolerate. Reflect on the behaviors that really upset you. Then, make a list of what you won’t accept from your parents anymore, which are your boundaries. Next, set clear consequences for what will happen if your parents violate these boundaries. If you’re living at home, your boundaries might include, “You can’t yell at me,” “You can’t call me names,” and “You can’t interrupt my study time to take care of your needs.” Your consequences might be that you’ll refuse to respond to yelling, you’ll put in your earbuds, and you’ll lock the door to your room while you’re studying. If you no longer live with your parents, you might set boundaries like, “You can’t call me when you’re drunk,” “You can’t verbally abuse me,” and “You can’t stay in my house if you’re yelling.” The consequences might be hanging up on them, taking a break from your relationship, and asking them to leave your home.Tip: If your parents are physically abusing you, intimidating you, or refusing to honor your boundaries, it’s best to talk to someone who is in a position to help you. For instance, tell your school counselor, a relative, or a teacher you trust.

Tell your parents about your boundaries. Your parents won’t know your expectations unless you define them. Explain how you expect them to treat you, and what you won’t tolerate from them. Then, explain your consequences for when they violate your boundaries. You might say, “When you yell at me, it hurts my feelings and makes me feel afraid. From now on, I’m not going to tolerate your yelling. If you yell at me, I’m going to lock myself in my room and put in my earbuds.”

Enforce your boundaries and follow through when they’re broken. Your parents will likely violate your boundaries at times because it will be hard for them to change their behavior. When this happens, follow through on the consequences you told them about. This will show them that you’re serious. For example, if you told your parent that they cannot call you when they’re drunk but they do it anyway, hang up as soon as you realize they’re drunk. Similarly, if you told your parent that you’ll walk out if they start to criticize you, leave the room as soon as they start doing it.

Reach out to a relative or authority figure if your parent is angry or violent. It may feel impossible to find help, but it's not okay for your parent to abuse you. This includes both verbal and physical abuse. If your parent gets upset or refuses to leave you alone, get yourself to a safe spot and call someone you can trust. If you feel like there's no one you can call, tell a trusted teacher, school counselor, or mentor who can help you. For example, you might hide in the bathroom and call your aunt. You might tell her, "My mom is screaming at me and banging on the door. Can you please come help?" It's possible that the first person you talk to won't understand how serious the problem is. If this happens, reach out to someone else.

Take a break from them if you need it. Sometimes you need to get away from your toxic parents so you can heal. Don’t be afraid to cut them off for awhile, if you need it. Block their calls and unfollow them on social media. Give yourself time to relax and heal. Identify places you can go to be alone if you still live with them. For example, you might hide in the bathroom or create a comfortable cubby in you closet. If you can, make arrangements to spend time with other family members or with your friends.

Working Through Your Feelings

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship you wanted. It’s okay to feel sad about what happened and to feel like you missed out on a typical parent-child relationship. Let yourself feel the emotions that come to you, like sadness and anger. Release them in a way that feels right to you, like crying, journaling, or venting to a friend or therapist. This will help you start to feel better. Don’t set a time for how long you can grieve. Give yourself as much time as you need.

Forgive your parents when you’re ready. Forgiveness is for you, not the person who hurt you. When you’re ready, acknowledge that your parents were wrong but that they’re only human. Accept that the past cannot change, and forgive them for their actions. You might say, “I forgive you for the past. In the future, I hope our relationship will be better.” You don’t have to tell them you forgive them if you don’t want to. You might prefer to write it in a letter and then destroy the letter.Tip: Forgiving someone who hurt you can seem impossible, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to do it. Keep in mind that forgiving someone doesn't mean that what they did is okay or that you’re not still hurt. It’s just a way for you to let go of hurtful feelings so that you can move on.

Work with a therapist to process your feelings and learn ways to cope. Your therapist can help you identify your feelings and learn how to release them. They’ll teach you mental strategies for improving your life and how you relate to others. Additionally, your therapist will help you learn how to deal with your parents moving forward. Look for a therapist who’s experienced in dealing with toxic family dynamics. If you’re still living at home, ask your parents if you can start seeing a therapist. If they say “no” or you’re afraid to ask, talk to your school counselor.

Caring for Yourself

Practice self care so you feel nurtured. True self care means taking care of your needs and treating yourself well. To address your needs, create a routine to help you remember to exercise, eat well, and clean your space. Additionally, do nice things for yourself every day, like treating yourself to a coffee, soaking in a bathtub, or watching your favorite show. If you struggle to keep up with your hygiene, make that part of your routine, as well. Make it a habit to brush your teeth twice a day and bathe every day. Additionally, wash and dry your clothes once a week. This might be hard if you’re depressed about your situation or if your parents didn’t teach it to you, but things can get better.

Manage your stress so that you don’t get overwhelmed. Dealing with toxic parents can be very stressful. Create a go-to list of ways you can release your stress and feel better. This will help you enjoy your life more and will prevent a build-up of harmful emotions. Here are some ways to relieve stress: Meditate for 10 minutes. Write in a journal. Exercise. Play with your pet. Color in an adult coloring book. Use aromatherapy. Make some art.

Live how you desire without worrying about what your parents want. Your parents' expectations of you can weigh heavily, but you aren’t responsible for being the person they want you to be. Instead, decide on what you value in life, and set goals you want to accomplish. Focus on living according to these values and goals that you’ve developed for yourself. It’s normal to grow and change as you get older, so check in with yourself often to make sure you’re happy with the path you’re on. For instance, you might decide to pursue a college major that interests you instead of doing what your parents want. Similarly, you might decide that you don’t want to have children even though your parents expect grandchildren.

Talk to other people who’ve dealt with toxic parents to gain support. Look for a support group that meets in your area, or join an online forum. Swap stories with people who’ve gone through something similar to you, and take their advice when it feels right to you. This can help you feel better about your situation. Only you know what is right for you. Listen to what others have to say, but know that it’s okay for you to make the choice that works for you.Tip: You may find it difficult to talk to people who haven’t experienced a toxic parent because they don’t understand what it’s like. They may say things like, “Well, she’s still your mother.” Don’t let this make you feel guilty because you deserve to set boundaries.