How to Cope with Mean Parents in the Long Term

Understanding the Situation

Understand that meanness has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. No matter how "difficult" you might be to raise, they made the choice to treat you this way. They do this not because you're flawed, but because they decided that it's okay to treat you badly. A good parent doesn't make a child feel bad about their mistakes, unless a child is extremely out of line (e.g. hurting someone). They teach, encourage, and guide the child. A mean parent is going to be mean, no matter what you do.

Keep in mind that cruel behavior is a sign of emotional immaturity. A mean parent can sometimes be like a child, throwing tantrums and using manipulation to try to get their way. You don't have to put up with an adult temper tantrum.

Recognize that you will most likely never win your parent's approval. Their criticalness is part of their personality, meaning that no amount of excellence on your behalf will change it. They won't magically start approving of you. You will probably never get their approval, no matter how much you might deserve it. Even if you won a contest or got a "perfect" body or became president, they'd find something new to criticize. Changing yourself wouldn't change their behavior. When winning their approval is impossible, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means something is wrong with them. You're OK.

Keep in mind that you can't fix your parent (and you shouldn't have to). You cannot turn your parent into a nice person, as much as you may wish you could. Even if they someday learn how to be kind, it may be years or decades from now. All you can do is take good care of yourself. Even if you could somehow "fix" them, it wouldn't be your job. You are the child. They are the parent.

Keep your expectations low. Don't expect your parent to become kinder, more self-aware, or less critical. There's a good chance they will always be this way. You will probably never feel comfortable around them. Sometimes parents turn a bit nicer after their kids move out, because the parent realizes that their child(ren) can now choose not to see them if the parent behaves badly. This may or may not happen in your family.

Know the difference between bad parenting and emotional abuse. Abusive parents may use manipulative tactics with the goal of controlling their children. They aren't trying to help you, nor will they consider your side to be valid. While bad parenting can hurt (even if the parent means well), emotional abuse is scary and can leave deep scars. Here are some things that abusers may do: Rejecting: Name-calling, personal insults, hostile sarcasm, disparaging "jokes," condescension, discriminatory comments, making you feel inferior Ignoring: The silent treatment, withholding affection, denying your needs Terrorizing: threats, excessive raging, ridicule and humiliation, blaming you for things Isolating: Keeps you away from friends long-term, forbids you to attend events (like parties or school events), excessive punishment, tries to turn you against your friends or turn them against you, tells you no one will believe you if you ask for help Corrupting: Gives you drugs or too much alcohol, teaches you to cheat, encourages promiscuity, teaches you to abuse others Exploiting: Makes you do age- and ability-inappropriate tasks (like making a 4-year-old responsible for laundry), forces you to do things you don't want, unreasonable expectations for chores or tasks Surveillance: Goes through your phone/diary/email/browser history, makes you constantly check in when you're out, removes locks or doors from rooms Undermining: Sets you up to fail, belittles your accomplishments, posts videos of you being punished to the internet Gaslighting/Mind games: calls you too sensitive, uses emotional blackmail, tries to guilt trip you (e.g. "I feed and clothe you!") for setting reasonable boundaries, lies about the past, blames you for abuse, says you're lying or exaggerating

Avoiding Confrontation

Quietly avoid your parent when you're at home. Go into your room and close the door. Go outdoors if your parent is indoors. Find places to be where your parent isn't. Notice any circumstances that reduce confrontation. For example, if your mom is nice when your dad is around, but is mean when she's alone with you, try to stay close to your dad.

Spend more time out of your house. Join after-school or before-school activities. Spend time at friends' houses, and sleep over when you can. Look for ways to spend time with friends, far away from your family. If you have moved out already, you can put time limits on visits or phone calls. For example, when your mother calls, you can tell her you have only half an hour to talk before your "appointment." (And then end the conversation and have your "appointment" with a movie or your dog.)

Notice triggers for meanness, and avoid them. Pay attention to what happens before they turn cruel. If they tend to be mean when they've been drinking, then leave the house if you see evidence of drinking. If they turn mean when you mention something positive about yourself, don't say these things around them. Keeping an incident log may help you identify patterns, even if it's painful. Remember that just because a behavior of yours triggers meanness doesn't mean that your behavior is wrong. For example, if you say "I'm so happy I got 98% on my last test" and they criticize you, that doesn't mean you should never talk about your accomplishments. It just means that your parent is a bad listener.

Keep your conversations short when you can. Try to keep things pleasant and brief, especially if your parents seem to be in a bad mood. Don't volunteer too much information to your parents, as they might use anything you say as an opportunity for criticism. Be polite and detached. Try to avoid emotionally investing in the situation, as much as you can.

Look forward to moving out, if you haven't yet. Save money, make preparations, and start imagining what your future could look like. Think about who might be able to help you once you start living alone. You will not have to be stuck with your parent(s) for the rest of your life. If you're a minor, a relative (like an aunt, uncle, or grandparent) may be willing to take you in because "things are tense at home" or you "need a change of pace." If it helps, plan what your life could look like, such as pets, location, career, et cetera. Set goals to look forward to. Once you're an adult, you aren't obligated to talk to your parents at all. You can even stop having a relationship with them if you want. Nor do you have to forgive them if you don't want to. Any relationship is optional, and on your terms.

Managing Meanness

Avoid fighting back. When your parent says something cruel, don't respond with something cruel right back at them. This can escalate the situation, and encourage them to say even more unkind things to you. Try to calm yourself and focus on de-escalating, even if it's hard. It can take a lot of maturity to handle people being mean to you, without turning mean or becoming a doormat. This is a lot to ask of a child. It's not fair or right. It's okay to be upset that you have to learn adult conflict management skills at a young age. Ignoring insults or criticism, even if it hurts inside, can be a powerful response.

Practice self-calming techniques. Do what helps you manage your feelings in the face of hardship. Different coping mechanisms work for different people, so experiment a little. You may find it helpful to... Breathe deeply Do a mental exercise, like counting by sevens, or counting backwards from 100 Visualize something nice, like your safe place or cute animals Ground yourself by focusing on your senses (e.g. the smell of rain or the feel of a stress ball in your hand)

Remember that your parent's opinions don't define reality. Just because they say you are selfish/lazy/fat etc. doesn't mean that you actually are. Even as they are treating you badly, remind yourself that you don't deserve it. Try mentally adding "you think" to each thing they say. For example, "You're too sensitive" becomes "You think I am too sensitive." This can help you keep your sense of reality.

Speak in a quiet, calm, but firm voice to your parent. Arguing back will probably make your parent dig their heels in, so don't argue, even if they're totally wrong. Instead, try stating a boundary or making an observation. Here are some types of things you can say when your parent turns mean: "That really hurt my feelings." "Wow." "You sound stressed." "Okay then." "Please stop criticizing me." "You're entitled to your opinion." "That's interesting." "Thanks, I'll think about that." "Thank you for sharing." "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'll think about that and get back to you. Bye."

Try acting incredibly calm and reasonable. Sometimes, reasonable behavior can startle an unreasonable person into actually behaving themselves. Here are some examples of things you could say: "It sounds like you're upset about ____. How do you want me to handle ____ in the future?" "I'm sorry you're upset. What's the best-case scenario that you'd want in the future?"

Try setting a boundary and then changing the subject. This deflection technique doesn't always work, but it's often worth a try. It's also a very mature and reasonable way to handle an unreasonable person. Identify a subject that is usually pretty safe, and see if your parent will start talking about it instead. You might say something like: "Don't call me names, please. Anyway, it looks like rain. Should I go clean the yard?" "I'd prefer that you stop making comments about my weight. It's bad for my confidence and my health. Anyhow, you saw your sister yesterday, right? How is she?" "I'm not asking for advice. Anyway, one of my friends is thinking of trying out for the football team. You were a linebacker in high school, right?"

Use access to you as a bargaining chip. If your parents wants to spend time with you, then they need to be nice, or you'll leave. If part of them loves you, they'll usually start behaving a little better, in order to avoid being cut off. Try a simple rule: the first time they say something mean, you change the subject. The second time, you leave. You can explain this explicitly (e.g. "I feel awful when you comment on my body, and if you don't stop, I'll leave" or "If you criticize me, I will hang up") or let your parent catch on to the pattern of you leaving when they get mean.

Leave when you can. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, escape to your room, or find someplace else to go. Or leave temporarily, like by getting yourself or your parent something to eat or drink, and taking a minute to breathe. If your parent follows you, try walking somewhere more public, like onto the street. They may be less likely to make a scene if people would stare.

Deal with your feelings afterwards. Even if it goes relatively well, you may feel scared, shaky, angry, or confused. This is normal. Acknowledge your feelings, and do something that helps you cope. Don't retaliate. This usually makes things worse.

Reflect on how you handled the situation afterwards. Reflecting can help you prepare for next time. Think about how you managed it, and what could help you manage it in the future. Did my strategies work? What could I do next time?

Coping

Allow yourself time and space to feel your feelings. Sometimes, you might be mad at your parents for treating this way. Other days, you might mourn the happy childhood you never got. It's normal to have different feelings at different times. Let yourself feel those feelings. If you're stressed, stop and ask "How am I feeling?" Take a moment to label your emotions. Children of mean parents may feel angry, lonely, scared, on edge, guilty, hurt, misunderstood, and all kinds of things. All of these are normal.

Recognize that it's okay to be scared about trying assertiveness techniques with your parents. Stating boundaries, mentioning feelings, or doing anything to acknowledge that you're a human being can be scary when your parents are mean. This is difficult, and it's natural to be stressed. Many of these techniques are especially difficult when you're in "panic mode." You don't have to become an expert at this overnight. If you don't remember what to do in a crisis, just say "I need some air" and leave.

Do things that help you feel better. Different people are helped by different coping mechanisms. One person might unwind by watching TV with popcorn, while another finds that basketball clears their head. Different stress management techniques work best for different people. Here are some ideas to try... Expressing yourself: Writing in a (password-protected or locked) journal, singing or playing music, making art Being productive: Working on a hobby, cleaning, cooking, organizing, or helping someone Pampering yourself: Taking a bath, giving yourself a facial, doing your nails, snuggling under blankets to watch TV Exercise: Taking a walk or jog, jumping rope, playing ball, yoga, exercises from a fitness app Relaxing: Watching TV, meditation, playing a game, eating a reasonable portion of comfort food Reaching out: Calling a friend, venting online, playing with a child or pet, helping someone with their own problems Find the style that works best for you, or fits your current mood.

Take good care of your body. Healthy habits help boost your mood and your resilience, making it easier to face the challenges of the day. If your parents tend to be negligent, then you may not have learned how to take care of yourself. Here are some tips you can follow to be your best self: Meals: Eat when you're hungry, and stop when you're full. Try to fill 1/3 of your plate with fruits and vegetables. Limit simple sugars. Eat healthy snacks if you get hungry between meals. Avoid fad diets, or diets that cut out certain food groups altogether; these aren't sustainable and can hurt your metabolism. Sleep: Sleep 8-10 hours each night, if possible. Try to follow a schedule, and establish a consistent bedtime and wake-up time. Turn off screens, or at least use a blue light filter on your devices, before bed. If you have a hard time waking up in the morning, then you probably aren't sleeping enough. Exercise: Try to find a form of exercise you like, from playing sports to taking walks to lifting weights in your bedroom. Exercise for at least 30 minutes, 3 times a week or more. If it hurts, stop and take a break. Skin care: Apply sunscreen daily, or at least if you plan to be outside for long. Wear wide-brimmed hats to protect you from the sun. Sun protection will help your skin look better, especially as you age. Cleanliness: Shower daily. Wash your hair and body. Use a facial soap for your face, to avoid clogging pores. Apply deodorant daily. Brush your teeth thoroughly every day, and try to floss too. Recreation: Set aside at least 30 minutes each day to do something purely fun. Think about what you enjoy most (like drawing or watching cat videos), and get in the habit of doing those things. If you can't do something fun on one day, take extra time the next day. Pay attention: Your body signals are important. If you're hungry, that's meaningful. If something hurts, that's meaningful. Pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you it needs, and work on meeting those needs.

Work on being kind to yourself. Self love can be difficult when you're in an environment that tears you down. Maybe you can't feel love for yourself right away. So until then, make loving choices for yourself. With time and patience, you can start learning to love yourself. Here are some little ways to show self love: Stop putting off something you want to do that's fun Write a list of things you like about yourself Treat your body well: eat well, exercise, get enough sleep, and avoid self-harm Find a picture of someone on the internet who has a trait you have (like short hair or a big nose). Write a blog post about how they are beautiful.

Start identifying any toxic beliefs and behaviors caused by bad parenting. Mean parents can mess up your thoughts. You may feel worthless or powerless. Take negative feelings about yourself and challenge them. Start working on believing things like: I have a right to an opinion. My life has value. I'm allowed to make mistakes. I deserve to feel safe in my own home. I'm allowed to be angry. I have positive traits that are worth celebrating. I'm allowed to be different from others. My skills are good things. I deserve to be treated with basic respect and consideration. I am an OK person.

Try reading books about hypercritical and abusive people. These books can help you better understand what you're going through, and how to heal. They may also help you feel less alone. "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Karyl McBride "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Dr. Susan Forward

Reaching Out

Get involved in your community. Isolation can be a dangerous trap to fall into. Find ways to participate in community events and spend time with other people. It's important to find a sense of belonging with other people, especially since you can't necessarily do it at home. Playing sports Taking community classes in art, cooking, etc. Joining clubs: book clubs, knitting circles, etc. Visiting homeless shelters or old folks' homes Volunteering for a cause you care about Working in activism for something important Participating in religious activities

Spend time with positive people. Look for friends, either your age or not, who help you feel good about yourself. Having a support network can help you cope and feel good about yourself.

Talk to a good listener. It's good to have a sounding board, who will be there to validate your feelings while you vent, or help you brainstorm ways to handle this problem.

Look for online communities that people help people in similar situations. Unfortunately, the world is filled with people whose parents tear them down. But this also means you aren't the only one, and you can find people online. Try looking for... Forums for people with mean parents Mental health recovery communities (if your bad home life has caused mental health problems) Advice websites

Find some mentors. Parents usually are there to help their kids deal with the challenges of growing up, but yours aren't, so find some new "parents." These adults can teach you things and help you deal with problems that you need advice on. Look for potential mentors in... Favorite teachers Coaches Parents of friends Club supervisors Clergy members

Talk to a counselor, if possible. Cruel parents can do a lot of emotional damage. A counselor may have experience in this area, and be able to help you cope with your difficult situation.