Learning to Be a Loyal Partner
Define loyalty for yourself. The dictionary definition includes external obligations both personal and civic. External obligations, however, can feel like forced behavior. The real importance of loyalty in a relationship is internal: your own moral compass regarding those personal obligations. Know that love, dedication, devotion, and commitment are personal choices. These cannot be held by an outside source; they must come from within. Therefore, first and foremost, you must understand your own personal idea of loyalty and adapt/change to circumstances only as long as they don’t conflict with your moral compass. Changing your concept of loyalty to make someone else happy will lead to your own unhappiness down the road. Be realistic and honest with yourself and know what you can or can’t change in your beliefs.
Treat your partner as you wish to be treated. Once you know what loyalty means to you, you also know how you expect to be treated. That, in turn, tells you how you need to treat your partner. For example, if you want to be able to rely on your partner's support, you should show your partner that you support them emotionally and financially in good times as well as in bad times.
Be realistic. There are very few absolutes in life but one you can count on is this: no one is perfect. Your partner has strengths and weaknesses, admirable qualities and faults. Let them be what they truly are in front of you. Don’t expect them to be anything but human. In turn, don’t expect yourself to be anything but human. Accept your partner for who they are, warts and all. Our imperfections define us just as much as our strengths do. Showing that you accept it all unconditionally greatly strengthens mutual feelings of loyalty.
Stay committed. There is a reason why you love your partner. Remind yourself of this regularly as you take the time to reinforce what your partner means to you. This makes staying committed to a relationship and loyal to your partner much easier. Having regular dates with one another, setting aside time to talk about each other's days, and showing each other appreciation are good ways to reinforce your relationship.
Be faithful. It is a generally accepted belief that loyalty doesn’t include cheating on your partner. This is a very hurtful act that will, in most cases, lead to the end of your relationship. Having a discussion with your partner about relationship openness or secretiveness and what constitutes faithfulness versus being unfaithful is important. Make sure to discuss your relationship expectations and what actions you each need in order to feel secure and respected.
Demonstrating That You Care
Communicate. Everything revolves around communication and nothing demonstrates and strengthens loyalty like open communication. Human beings are social animals. We don’t just like to share, we need to. It will bring you closer to your partner and yourself. Minimizing misunderstandings is easier if there is regular, open communication. It will help you overcome tension and obstacles, and get past negative moments. The more you know about how and what your partner thinks the easier it is to avoid conflicts. Sharing details leads to intimacy. This, in turn, leads to even greater intimacy. It is like the aging of a fine wine: the longer you do it, the more fruitful and wonderful your relationship becomes and the stronger your loyalty becomes as well.
Be honest. Keep your word and your promises. The fastest way to lose loyalty, or show you lack it, is to constantly let your partner down by lying or breaking your promises. One of the oldest axioms is one to always keep in mind: only make promises you know you can keep. Keep your partner’s feelings in mind. For instance, if your partner looks terrible in an outfit, perhaps there is a better way to tell them. “I think your other suit is far more handsome and sexy.” “It’s cute but I think the dress makes you look fabulous.”
Learn your partner’s likes and dislikes. In this way building loyalty isn’t work it’s fun. The people we will do the most for, and with whom we have the greatest affinity, are those who take the time to get to know us well. You can even make a game out of it. Surprise your partner with their favorite dish for dinner. Take your partner to a play if they enjoy theater. Avoid Michael Bay movies if your partner hate mindless, action-oriented films.
Be there emotionally and physically. Providing support is key. Sometimes your partner needs a hug or just needs you to listen. Understanding what he/she needs and providing it demonstrates and builds tremendous loyalty. If you see that something is upsetting your partner, don't just wait for them to come to you and talk about it. Ask what's wrong. Your partner will often be glad that you're concerned. If they tell you they don't want to talk about it, then don't force your partner to tell you and give them some space. Wait until they are ready and comfortable to tell you.
Know the difference between love and passion. We love siblings, cousins, and family, but the love of a partner is different and passion is a key to that difference. When your partner knows your passion for them is lit, loyalty becomes a much stronger feeling and an increasingly important part of your relationship. There are many ways to focus on building and keeping passion alive. From intimate date nights to sharing hobbies, you can have a lot of fun doing it too.
Making Your Partner Your Priority
Keep confidences private. Nothing kills loyalty faster than someone divulging secrets. When you can’t trust your partner with confidential information your need to be faithful to your word, engagements, or obligations withers and dies. If they ask you to, keep it on the DL. If their secret is potential harmful to someone you care about, work through a manner of dealing with the information that doesn’t compromise your integrity.
Side with your partner. As Don and Michael Corleone said in “The Godfather Part I & II”, never go against the family in public. Stay beside your partner. Talk about your disagreement in public. This builds tremendous strength of loyalty as your partner knows you have their back and will never embarrass them in front of others. Partner and family disputes can be very, very touchy. Remember this incontrovertible fact: you live with your partner, not your family. This could be the relationship you have for the rest of your life. Side with your partner. Siding with your partner doesn’t mean cutting out your family. Have your partner’s back and then, if you disagree, say so when the two of you are alone and explain why. This will go a long, long way to building loyalty. After smoothing it over with your partner, smooth it over with your family. Let them know the subject of the disagreement is not an either/or situation and a difficult decision to make. You and your partner will continue discussing it and perhaps you can all revisit it later and find a mutually acceptable answer.
Keep your partner’s needs above all others. If they’re sick and you have a tee time, cancel your match and take care of them. If they need you at the company picnic and you hate the boss, suck it up and get out there and picnic yourself into a good mood. Your partner needs you. Be there.
Accept your partner’s weaknesses. Again, we all have them, so rather than berate your partner or make them feel less-than, accept the occurrence and later revisit it. Give yourself time to see the bigger picture so you can help them become better people. Patterns of behavior are more illuminating than isolated incidents. Once you’ve both had time to step back, seeing the bigger behavior pattern becomes easier and a far more effective learning tool. Just remember that the point is to heal not to blame.
Facing Adversity Head-on
Be mature during disagreements. No one gets along 100-percent of the time. You’re going to argue. You might even fight. The key is to know when to walk away, cool down, and come back to work things out when all is calm. It’s okay to agree to disagree. You won’t always see eye-to-eye on everything, but it’s important to remember that you can still respect their position and decision to believe what they believe.
Walk away from temptation. We are all capable of being tempted. If you are, go to the bathroom or some other quiet space where you can guarantee you’ll be alone. Take a few deep breaths and truly consider what you are about to do. Accept reality. You will always find other people attractive. Being in a relationship doesn’t suddenly make the rest of the world ugly or unintelligent or uninteresting. Know this and know that you are making a conscious choice to be with your partner. This makes it easier to avoid temptation.
Control your impulses. Emotions are fleeting and short-lived. They are also more impulsive. They can, if not accompanied by reason, cause us great pleasure in the short run but even greater pain in the long run. Self-control will allow you to always keep your priorities in order. This is another instance of walking away before something bigger and far worse happens.
Take responsibility. Whether it’s a mistake you’ve made or something insensitive you’ve said, cop to it. If your partner has questions, answer them. Don’t make excuses, give rationalizations, or come up with explanations. Keep it simple, honest, and real. Working through the emotions of it can come later when they aren’t running so high. Don’t judge your partner. They make mistakes just like you. Listen respectfully and understand their feelings. Remember, it’s a two-way street. Showing empathy when they take responsibility is always the best policy.
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