What is “caspering?”
Caspering is a gradual, slower way of ghosting someone. While ghosting is outright cutting communication without warning or explanation, caspering is when someone slowly pulls back from the person they’ve been dating. They gradually text and call less and start having briefer and briefer responses until, after a few weeks or months, they completely stop contact. While the person caspering typically acts friendly and somewhat interested for a little while, they still eventually end up ceasing contact. Requests to hang out may be met with something like “We’ll see each other the next time I’m in town! I’ll text you when I’m coming.” Although the casperer gives the impression that they want to hang out, they’re usually just trying to be nice and let you down easy, or they’re avoiding confrontation.
Is caspering better than ghosting someone?
Some people feel that caspering is gentler and kinder than full-on ghosting someone. They view caspering as the best way to let someone down easily and as nicer than completely cutting off contact out of the blue. If you want to try caspering someone, gradually lessen your responses so they get the hint, then eventually stop contacting them or be honest about your desire to stop talking completely.
Ghosting might be better if the other person is manipulative, consistently disrespectful, or even abusive. If you’re ever communicating with someone who repeatedly shows they have no respect for your boundaries or emotional well-being, or if you’re dealing with someone who is potentially dangerous, cutting off contact completely without drawing things out may be the best approach. You’re in no way obligated to continue talking to someone who mistreats you.
Better Alternative to Caspering
Be honest and upfront about your desire to no longer talk to this person. Unless you’re in a situation where you’ve been mistreated or feel unsafe, approaching things with honesty and respect is usually the best thing to do. That way, you’re not leading anyone on or giving them false hope. Keep your message clear and concise, avoid blaming or criticizing their behavior, and focus on your feelings and needs when letting them know that you wish to end the relationship. Example: “Hey, I want to be honest about where our relationship stands. I’ve had a good time getting to know you, but I don’t want to continue moving in a romantic direction. I wish you the best, though! I’m always open to being friends :)” Example: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but right now, I have to take some time for myself.” If you’ve only gone on one or two dates, it’s okay to end things over text. If you’ve gotten to know each other and built a connection over months or years, end things in person. EXPERT TIP Cher Gopman Cher Gopman Dating Coach Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post. Cher Gopman Cher Gopman Dating Coach When the relationship isn’t progressing, it’s worth considering breaking up. When you’re in a relationship with someone who’s not the right one, you’re taking a chance of missing out on the person who’s right for you. If they don’t make you a better person, happier, or stronger, it may be time to break up.
Signs You’re Getting Caspered
Their words stop matching their actions. If they say that they’ll get you flowers or that you should go to the movies, but stop making the effort to actually do those things when they would’ve in the past, you may be getting caspered. If there’s less action but they continue making promises that you’ll keep developing as a couple, keep your eyes peeled, because they might be getting ready to disappear.
Their messages become brief and vague. When the person you’re talking to becomes a dry texter who sends one-word responses, even though they used to seem like they were head over heels for you, you may be getting caspered. The key thing to look for is a gradual decline in the quality of messages. Casperers like to let you down easily, so they’ll still try to keep their messages kind and endearing, no matter how brief.
They make fewer efforts to hang out. If they were the type to initiate hangouts and always be willing to have fun, then they become distant, they may be caspering you. Even if you’re initiating things, when you’re met with a light “Sure, I’ll let you know when I’m free!” or a kind “We definitely have to catch up!” with no follow-up efforts to hang out, that’s a sign you’re being caspered and they’re trying to ease out of the relationship.
Contact becomes gradually limited over time. What starts as deep conversations and a bunch of plans becomes casual chats and short, brief responses. Over time, these brief responses stop being met with hangout plans, and when you initiate things, you find that the person you thought was the one keeps saying “We’ll see each other as soon as possible!” without ever following through. If this sounds familiar, you’re likely being caspered. Once they start limiting contact and not responding, the relationship may be on its way out the door. According to relationship coach Laura Bilotta, “relationships often end due to communication issues. When there are issues in communication, they can lead to trust issues, poor conflict resolution, and misunderstandings.”
Why is it called caspering?
It’s called “caspering” because of the popular cartoon ghost, Casper the Friendly Ghost. Casper, the main character of Casper (1995), is the ghost of a young boy who passed away in his old family home. He haunts the new residents of the home, but “haunt” is a stretch, as he isn’t scary or malicious. He’s a friendly ghost who doesn’t want to hurt people, and his friendliness as a ghost served as inspiration for the ghosting-adjacent way of breaking up.
Other Dating Terms
Ghosting Ghosting is when a person disappears like a ghost after seemingly having sustained interest in the friendship or relationship. When someone is ghosting you, they stop sending texts, calling, and may even unfollow you on social media. Many people in the dating world consider it a way of avoiding the responsibility that comes with ending a relationship. When someone ghosts you after a few dates, relationship coach Sarah Schewitz, PsyD, says to text them, “I don’t know what happened or why you’re not talking to me anymore, I would really appreciate a conversation for some closure.”
Zombieing Zombieing is when someone ghosts you, then decides to come into your life after some time, usually acting like nothing happened. It’s called zombieing because it’s like they’re rising from the dead. It’s also a sign that they may have poor communication skills and that the relationship may not be the best idea.
Breadcrumbing When someone is breadcrumbing you in a relationship, they are stringing you along, typically knowing that they don’t have any plans to go steady with you. The breadcrumbs look like communicating just as much to keep you interested, usually through texts here and there with allusions to plans, typically without the person ever following through. If they do follow through, it may be every once in a while. Once again, just enough to keep you interested.
Roster A roster is a group of people you’re dating at the same time. You typically use your roster as a way to explore options for possible partners. The people on your roster typically fulfill different needs, like physical intimacy and intellectual stimulation. According to certified dating coach Alison Wellington, having a roster is not cheating, as none of you are in a committed relationship.
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