What Is an Emotional Vampire?

What is an emotional vampire?

An emotional vampire is someone who drains others’ emotional energy. They may do this through manipulation and gaslighting and often leave others feeling insecure, anxious, depressed, and negative. Emotional vampires often have a need for constant attention, and they may attempt to achieve this through exaggerating their problems or playing the victim. Emotional vampires tend to suffer from low self-esteem and a lack of self-awareness. They likely aren’t aware of their behavior, Broennimann says, and instead may have developed their manipulative tendencies in childhood as a way to cope in a dysfunctional family unit. “Energy vampire” isn’t a clinical term, though it has gained popularity in recent years and reflects a very valid and common type of social dynamic.

Different Types of Emotional Vampires

There are five basic varieties of emotional vampires. All emotional vampires have a craving for attention and may resort to (conscious or unconscious) emotionally manipulative tactics to get it. But there are 5 basic subcategories of "emotional vampire," including the following: Narcissists: Narcissists may struggle to empathize with others, instead harboring an inflated sense of their own self-importance and entitlement. They can negatively react when things don’t go their way or they feel they aren’t getting enough attention. Victims: This type of emotional vampire may feel as if the world is against them. They may crave sympathy and drain people's energy with constant tales of suffering, but may do little to try to change their perspective or improve their situation, possibly because they don't believe they can improve it. Controllers: This emotional vampire feels anxious when they don't feel in control, and may therefore seek to control those around them. They may do this by invalidating others’ feelings and experiences or trying to tell them how to live their life. Talkers: Talkers may struggle with social queues and may shift conversations back onto themselves, not allowing others to get a word in edgewise. When you attempt to escape an interaction with them, they may follow you or keep talking, making it difficult for you to leave without feeling rude. Dramatizers: These emotional vampires may overdramatize everyday situations to gain sympathy or become the center of attention. While they may be believed at first and their stories may even be entertaining, over time their behavior can create tension and resentment, especially if they use elaborate stories to get out of responsibilities.

Signs Someone Is an Emotional Vampire

They feel the need to be the center of attention. Because emotional vampires crave attention and may feel anxious not being the focal point of a social interaction, they’ll often steer conversations back to themselves, or even interrupt or talk over others to get everyone’s attention back onto them. They may even behave purposefully dramatically to get everyone’s focus back onto them. For instance, an emotional vampire may pretend to trip during a party if they feel they aren’t getting enough attention, thus ensuring they not only get everyone’s attention, but their sympathy as well.

They play the victim in every situation. Emotional vampires may claim the sympathy of others by portraying themselves as being unluckier than others, and may dismiss your own problems by suggesting what you’re dealing with isn’t as bad as what they’re going through. They may also refuse to take responsibility for something they've done wrong when confronted, instead flipping the blame back to you. For instance, if you mention to them that you had a nightmare the previous night, they may say, “You’re lucky, I have nightmares every night.”

You feel bad about yourself around them. Spending time with an emotional vampire can make you feel anxious, depressed, or pessimistic. Emotional vampires often rely on weakening your boundaries and self-esteem to make you more pliant. If you regularly feel bad about yourself around someone, ask yourself if it’s because they want you to. Remember many emotional vampires are unlikely to lower your self-esteem through direct criticism. Instead, they may make you doubt yourself through invalidating your experiences, voicing veiled insults, or subtly belittling you. For instance, a comment like, “Oh, Margaret, you’re Miss Reliable! Any time we go out, I can count on you to wear the same exact dress,” even when spoken cheerfully, may leave you doubting your sense of style and whether you look good.

You second-guess all your interactions with them. Because emotional vampires rely so often on manipulation tactics to get what they want, dealing with one is likely to leave you feeling uncertain where you stand and unsure of their motives. You may feel the need to second-guess everything they say and do and find yourself on edge when interacting with them. For example, you might take a comment like “I’ve never been to your house” at face value when spoken by another acquaintance. But the same sentence from an emotional vampire may leave you wondering if they’re trying to hint that they want to be invited over, or that they resent the fact you’ve never had them over.

They leave you feeling confused. Because you’re never sure where you stand with this person or whether they want something from you, you may feel uncertain about reality when spending time with them. Additionally, an emotional vampire may gaslight you into doubting your own experiences, especially if you’re trying to confront them about something they’ve done. For instance, you might say to a friend, “Hey, Chad, yesterday you said you couldn’t help me move as planned because you were leaving town, but then I saw you out with Becky? Can we talk about that?” If they’re an emotional vampire, they may reply, “I’m a little uncomfortable that you’re asking me about this. I think I need to set a personal boundary here,” deflecting the blame back onto you and making you wonder whether you’ve overstepped by bringing the situation up at all.

They make you feel exhausted. Just being around an emotional vampire can be incredibly draining and frustrating. “You [have] to excessively go out of your way to make room for yourself in their presence,” Broennimann says, “and there is no reciprocity of a normal connection.” Because many emotional vampires are all take and no give, you may leave an interaction feeling as if you’ve offered emotional support that’s never reciprocated, as if you’re their diary or therapist. Moreover, because they twist situations to fit their version of reality, garner sympathy, or be the center of attention, you may find yourself jumping through mental and emotional hoops to make sense of their behavior and maintain your grip on reality, which can be extremely exhausting.

Dealing with an Emotional Vampire

Confront them directly. Whether the emotional vampire in your life is aware of how their behavior comes off or not, confronting them head-on is often the best way to hold them accountable for their actions and, hopefully, make them less likely to drain your energy in the future. When confronting an emotional vampire, stick to the facts, rather than emotions: they can’t argue with or manipulate facts that you know are true. Try to remain calm and collected: if you try to engage them emotionally, they may accuse you of being too overwhelmed or dramatic and needing to manage your own feelings better. “Hi Darby, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with a death in the family, but I can’t let you treat me this way.”

Set boundaries and maintain them. If the emotional vampire is a friend, family member, coworker, or someone else you just can’t or don’t want to avoid, it’s important to set strong boundaries and communicate them clearly. Just as important, uphold the boundaries you set: if this person realizes your boundaries are flexible, they’ll likely push against them. Tell the person exactly what you are setting boundaries against, and what will happen if they cross the line: “Sayid, I can’t tolerate you interrupting me and talking over me. If it keeps happening, I’m going to exit the conversation.”

Practice calming rituals. Dealing with an emotional vampire can be stressful. Try to have some methods for relaxation in your back pocket, to help you destress after or stay calm during an interaction with someone who drains your energy and peace. For instance, try the 4-7-8 breathing exercise: breathe in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold the breath for 7 seconds, then breathe out through your mouth for 8 seconds. After an interaction with an emotional vampire, do something that you know will calm you down, like browsing your favorite bookstore, making a cup of hot herbal tea, or going for a walk through the woods.

Distance yourself. Emotional vampires “[demand\ your attention and attunement…at the expense of your feelings, emotions, and needs,” Broennimann says. If they don’t respect your boundaries or seem to be trying to change their behavior, it may be time to get some distance from them. It can be hard to do this, especially if you’re close to them, but if their behavior is severe enough, you might be better off without them. This could mean cutting ties entirely, or it could mean limiting the amount of time you see them. For example, if your mother is the emotional vampire in your life and trying to discuss the problem isn’t productive, you may opt to only visit home during major holiday parties, when she’ll be too busy to talk to you much.

Surround yourself with supportive people. It’s imperative for everyone to have a healthy support network where there’s fairly equal give and take, but this is especially important when you’re dealing with an emotional vampire. Supportive, trustworthy friends can help keep you grounded when the emotional vampire leaves you doubting yourself or your reality. Consider making a habit of calling a good friend right after you leave an interaction with the emotional vampire to lift your spirits, distract you, or remind you you’re worthy of care and attention. If the emotional vampire is in your friend group, consider approaching another trustworthy friend in the group for their insight into the situation. You may be able to form a united front with a mutual friend to approach the emotional vampire, or at least be able to offer one another support and reassurance when the emotional vampire leaves you feeling isolated and insecure.

Consider seeking therapy. Though “emotional vampire” isn’t a clinical term, most licensed therapists are more than familiar with the concept—and the emotional and psychological exhaustion they can cause. Talking to a therapist may help you navigate your relationship with the emotional vampire, remind you of your worth, or help you navigate ending a relationship with an emotional vampire if needed.

How do I stop being an emotional vampire?

Acknowledge what you can control, instead of what you can’t. The desire for attention and emotional control over others may stem from insecurity or a fear that if you don’t take control of a situation or relationship, it will fail. Acknowledge that there are many things you can’t control, and instead focus on the things you can control. This may help you feel more balanced and confident. For instance, you can’t control the weather and you can’t control if the rain will ruin your picnic plans. But you can control how you react: instead of succumbing to victimhood or calling the day a failure, you can have a picnic in your living room and create a unique and memorable experience for everyone.

Realize most people feel like a victim now and then. Emotional vampirism and victimhood can stem from a feeling that everyone else has their life together and that bad things only seem to happen to you. This perspective can make it easier to wallow in sorrow and self-pity, as well as to not reciprocate the attention others give to you: you may feel as if you need it more than they do, or that there’s nothing you could really offer them, anyway. But remember that everyone needs attention sometimes—and you could be just the person to make someone else’s day brighter and make them feel more supported. Remember you’re not alone in your feelings and your struggles: everyone goes through hardships.

Practice gratitude for everything you have. It’s harder to dwell on what you don’t have or feel worthless when you acknowledge the many good things you do have. Take stock of the life you’re living now, in all its messy and beautiful glory: of your talents and skills, your friends and loved ones, the fresh air and sunshine, everything. Maybe even keep a gratitude journal: every morning, write about something you’re grateful for and why. It’ll give your day a positive kickstart.

Express appreciation for others. “We feed off of each other in any given conversation, that is a part of life,” Broennimann says, “[but] a vampire is someone who always has a one-way connection.” Show the people you care about that your relationships go both ways: make a point to ask them how they’re doing (and try not to interrupt when they reply), and tell them how much they mean to you. If you feel it’s necessary, consider bringing up your behavior to close friends and tell them you’re working on cultivating a more balanced relationship. They may be willing to talk it through with you and help hold you accountable.

Try to communicate needs more directly. Many emotional vampires have a tendency towards manipulative behavior because…that’s what they know! If you’ve grown up in an environment where you couldn’t get your needs met when you asked directly, you may have unconsciously carried that pattern of behavior with you as you grew up, says Broennimann. EXPERT TIP Allison Broennimann, PhD Allison Broennimann, PhD Clinical Psychologist Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association. Allison Broennimann, PhD Allison Broennimann, PhD Clinical Psychologist It’s not that we are purposefully manipulative in relationships. These patterns may have worked in your family system, and you are still trying to apply the old rules. You will need to learn to hold space for yourself. Figure out what need is unconsciously being expressed when you attempt to get what you want any other way than asking directly for it.

Be patient and loving towards yourself. You might be experiencing some difficult feelings right now, like shame, guilt, loneliness, or low self-esteem. That’s understandable. But try to extend yourself grace, and remember that the important thing isn’t to be perfect all the time, but to make the effort to change and to treat others—and yourself—with the respect you all deserve. Realize change isn’t going to happen overnight. You’re likely attempting to undo behavioral patterns that have been instilled in you since early childhood—not an easy feat! Don’t give up, and don’t be too hard on yourself when you (inevitably) slip back into emotional vampiric behavior now and again. You’re only human (unlike an actual vampire).

Talk to a therapist. Talking things through with a therapist can help you establish the root cause of your vampiric tendencies, as well as a plan of action to become less manipulative or draining. A therapist can also offer you emotional support as you navigate the tough feelings you might experience while you figure out your path forward. It can be really overwhelming to hear you might have some emotional vampiric traits or to suddenly realize you might be behaving like an emotional vampire. But you're not alone. Almost everyone has emotionally vampiric traits to some extent that come out now and again, and the important part is that we try to manage them and uncover what causes them. The craving for attention and love is a totally natural thing. It often means that at some point in your childhood you didn't get enough of it, or weren't able to get it through direct communication. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter in your life. You're worthy of the attention and love you crave, we promise.