How to Understand the Male Ego

Understanding the Relationship between Self and Society

Understand what the "male ego" is. Stemming from the work of psychologists and psychotherapists in late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, the ego can be defined most basically as the self. After all, "ego" means "I" in Latin. The ego is the part of the mind responsible for acting as the “mediator” between the forces and drives of the superego (our conscience and our ideal selves) and our ids (the part that is responsible for satisfying our basic needs). The ego operates in reality, and is also responsible for mediating between our own needs and how to satisfy them within our environments. The ego maintains relations with others, reconciling the drives of the id and the superego with the outside world. Many psychologists posited their own theories of the ego based upon Sigmund Freud’s explanation of the ego. In other words, the male ego is not only a reflection of the individual self, but also of cultural definitions of masculinity and ideas about how men should think and act. Men's identities are thus shaped by social influences. Humans are social beings after all!

Understand that gender roles are socially constructed. In order to understand the male ego, it is necessary to understand how gender roles develop and function in society. Gender roles shape how people think and behave. Gender roles are sets of beliefs and actions that develop within specific cultural contexts and are associated with a particular biological sex (male or female). The roles help to differentiate between the sexes, so that men are seen to be one way and women another. By occupying these specific gender roles, some individuals function better within their particular social context while others may struggle. To understand the male ego, you need to understand how society shapes men's expectations of themselves. This is important because many men have developed ways of dealing with these social demands. In many cases, men aren't even aware of how society influences them. For example, most men don't really know how they came to be sports fans or think that blue, green, and gray are boys' colors while pink and purple are girls' colors.

Learn the basic characteristics of the socially constructed male ego. The male ego is driven by recognition, attention, and action. Men are assumed to be more active beings who do important things (such as political leaders, soldiers, scientists, etc.) and who are deserving of attention by others. In this vision of the male ego, men are driven by their physical strength, sex drive, and evolutionary biology as competitors for female attention to be competitive, to strive for greatness and power, and to avoid showing any emotion and weakness. For example, in most American communities, the male gender role is typically understood and described in active as opposed to passive terms. Men are courageous, strong, competitive, independent, and stable (in contrast, women are passive, emotional, weak, and more socially-oriented). To give another example, men in many communities in the western world are expected to avoid showing emotion. Remember the old saying "boys don't cry?" Instead, men are supposed to be macho and strong in the face of personal challenges, such as loss, grief, and sadness.

Be aware that not all men feel comfortable performing these standard gender norms. A lot of men feel conflicted about having to be a certain type of man. For example, even though, statistically, the majority of men are heterosexual, what about men who don't identify as that? Or what about some men who enjoy pedicures and facials, things considered "girly" or feminine? It’s important to find out how individual men feel about and respond to these social expectations of how men should be because they will vary in each and every case.

Handling the Male Ego

Consider how social expectations shape men’s handling of emotions. All men and women have emotions, even if they show them in different ways. Men who don’t show much emotion still have emotions, but because of social conditioning they have learned not to show their emotions too much or at all. This might mean that the man in your life might remain stoic when someone important to him dies. Since anger is an emotion that is more acceptable for men to show, in situations where they might be sad, they will instead get angry. If your man has a reaction that confuses you, keeping this social conditioning in mind will help you understand his reaction. He has emotions, but he’s been taught not to show them, because it’s perceived as a sign of weakness.

Learn to recognize emotion suppression. Men are often taught to suppress their emotions, which is not always the most productive way to deal with emotions. Suppressing emotions can create a disconnection between emotions and thoughts. This means that men might not even know what they’re feeling. It is important for men to work on expressing emotions because emotion suppression can lead to negative physical and psychological effects. Because of emotion suppression, your man might not be able to discuss how he is feeling. If he’s willing to work on this with you, realize that this will take practice and time. Realize that suppressing emotions is not only a male trait. Women suppress emotions also. Women also need to work on expressing their emotions in productive ways. Just because women are thought to be better at expressing emotions, this doesn’t mean this is always the case. People are not born knowing how to express their emotions in meaningful and efficient ways. It’s a skill that needs to be learned for both men and women.

Challenge outdated stereotypes about men and masculinity. Unlike that old saying, men are not from Mars and women are not from Venus. Men and women are much more alike than many people would like to admit. In fact, many scientists today prefer to discuss gender differences in terms of a broad continuum of possibilities, as opposed to a strict distinction between two straightforward options. It's important to avoid making assumptions about men and anticipate their behavior to conform to the gender roles and expressions you'd typically expect. Don't assume he likes sports, for example, or that he likes beer and hates "chick flicks", which are all common stereotypes about men. Rather, get to know the man in your life on an individual level as opposed to approaching him based upon what you think you know about men in general. After all, he's just a human being just like you and has his own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Empathize. Try to understand where the particular man in your life is coming from when he does something that shocks or upsets you. Women also often feel pressure to conform to prescriptive roles about how women should behave and be feminine. Rather than write him off, perhaps show some empathy and understanding. In some cases, men don't even intend to subscribe to the male ego, but it just happens since they've been socially conditioned regarding how to act. For example, if a man interjects in a conversation to say that he thinks professional women's sports aren't worth anyone's time, don’t just blame his comments on the male ego. Try to understand that he lives in a world where women's sports really are NOT valued as highly as those of men. In a lot of ways, this attitude isn't surprising; both men and women have been told by society that professional men's sports matter more than women's. The problem may not be with this individual man, but with society as a whole and how it talks about men, women, and gender roles. Empathy can be an important step on the route to transformation. Once you empathize with how his behavior has been impacted by social expectations and norms, you can then begin to open the conversation to challenge that process. For example, perhaps broach the subject of why we don't value female athletes as much as male athletes in major sports. What types of social cues have led us to think women's sports don't matter as much, such as the news coverage, salaries, etc.? This empathy can also come in the form of checking your own instant reactions to moments when your boyfriend, father, or other male friend or family member doesn't conform to gender stereotypes. For example, if he mentions that he really likes to go the ballet, your instinct based on conventional gender norms might be to consider that "girly" and not very manly. Instead, check those reactions and remember that you too might be part of the problem in validating the male ego.

Get to know his sense of humor. Studies have found that both men and women use humor as a way to complicate their identities as men and women, and experiment with the boundaries between them. But what is interesting is also how humor functions for men and women in terms of sustaining their particular gender roles in society. While some men might prefer making jokes that reinforce traditional gender stereotypes, such as those positioning women as inferior to them, other men might instead challenge those stereotypes by making fun of the way men have traditionally considered themselves superior. How a man jokes about his sense of masculinity and the conventional stereotypes that apply to men and women in his culture can tell you a lot about his personality and his willingness to conform to these stereotypes, many of which are outdated according to recent scientific research. If he makes a lot of sexist jokes that denigrate women and portray men as superior, you're going to have a harder time breaking down the male ego. The first step is to have a genuine discussion about the unfunny nature of those jokes and to ask him why he makes them. The hope is that he will realize that these jokes are not funny and that he only does it because everyone else does it too. Making men aware of their behavior and drawing attention to the things that they do that reflect almost unconscious motives can help them to be more conscious about what they say and do.

Become closer and more intimate. The closer you become with a man, the more you will be able to separate the man's true self from the social expectations placed upon him. Keep in mind, however, that this might take some time, as most men will not be willing to open up right away. As with most relationships, forging intimacy takes time, whether it's with a love interest or friend. However, as your relationship progresses and you begin to delve into deeper topics about your interests and views on the world, he may be able to let some of those gender scripts go. Talk and get to know each other. Share private details about your past, stories that give a sense of who you are, how you grew up, and what sorts of things made you the way you are today. Ask the man to reciprocate; you might be surprised by his honesty and how, over time, the layers of the macho male ego slip away to reveal his true colors. Maybe he will confess that he cried when watching The Notebook or that he hates all organized sports, things that are not traditionally associated with masculinity. In other words, as he feels more trusting and open with you, he may be more forthright about some of the ways in which he is ambivalent about some aspects of the gender role he is supposed to embody. This will act as yet another avenue for more intimate communication.

Understanding Yourself as a Man

Understand the concept of gender role strain. Gender role strain is the stress and anxiety related to a gender role when that role cannot be sufficiently or appropriately met. There are three main types: Discrepancy Strain - When a person fails to meet typical gender norms. For example, perhaps a man is experiencing depression and decides to seek help. This is a discrepancy with the notion that "men should tough it out." Trauma Strain - When a person experiences a traumatic life event during the process of being socialized into the appropriate gender. For example, perhaps the man is experiencing depression partly in relation to his "man's man" father who was very tough and taught him that "boys don't cry". Dysfunction Strain - When a person fulfills a gender role that is dangerous or causes harm. For example, if the man doesn't seek treatment for his depression based on the idea that men don't need help, his depression will likely continue and perhaps even worsen.

Realize that gender role strain can adversely affect men's lives. As a man, you may feel under great pressure to conform to ideals of masculinity. Movies, TV, magazines, and even the people around you all provide cues on how you should act and how a man should be. What happens, however, when your own sense of self doesn't line up with those expectations? What does this apparent inability to measure up do to your sense of self? Societal expectations of how to be a man can be harmful and leave you with low self-esteem and self-image. In some cases, the effects can be even more dire. Some men try to cope with this stress by engaging in unhealthy habits, such as substance abuse, escapism, and violence. For example, eating disorders have been increasingly prevalent in men due to social pressures for men to have fit, athletic, and toned bodies. Men who don't fit this 'perfect' body type have feelings of low self-worth and in turn punish their bodies for not being perfect. Note that since self-reliance is typically part of the male ego, men often don't get the help they need.

Dealing with social expectations. Because the social expectations of men are so high, men have to find a way to cope with the pressure. Most men cope with social expectations and gender role strain in one of three ways: They change themselves to meet social expectations. Changing one's self identity is not easy, and in many cases men do this to realize the benefits of complying with social expectations. For men, these benefits are numerous, including acceptance from other men, increased self-esteem, and increased social status, among others. They reject social expectations. In this case, men who do not conform to societal pressures can incur negative consequences, such as rejection from other men, lower status, and fewer social and romantic possibilities. For this reason, most men do not choose this option and instead find it easier to try to fit traditional gender norms and then cope with the discrepancy (and not always in a healthy way). They shift social expectations. Thought this is the ideal option and what that can make a positive difference in our society, it's also difficult. Gender norms are deeply entrenched in our society and trying to shift those is no easy task. However, there have been successes in the past, as the growing acceptance of homosexuality and transgender individuals indicates.

Build on the strengths. In general, men have few options related to gender expression. They really are pigeon-holed and the potential options listed above also do not sound very encouraging for many men. However, one thing a man can do to deal with social expectations is build on some of the strengths of that gender socialization. Some of the qualities of the male ego that can produce difficulties for men can also be resources and strengths. For example, in a crisis or emergency situation and in some kinds of work, the ability to "stay calm" and "keep a level head" has great value. Such skills are useful in certain occupations from emergency room nursing to running a Fortune 500 company. These are also valuable life skills that help us to care and support for others as parents, friends, and community members. The main challenge here is to value some of the knowledge and skills that are part-and-parcel of the male ego without these becoming the only way we operate. For example, while it can be useful in some respects when men remain calm and don't let their emotions overtake them, in other situations it's important to show and work through emotion. So, try to embrace some of the strengths of the male gender role without subscribing to it wholeheartedly or uncritically.

Define your own male identity. Remember that your gender identity can be whatever you want it to be. YOU get to choose. Perhaps you want to take certain aspects of that socially constructed idea of masculinity and reject other parts; maybe you will continue to love sports and wear pants and shorts (but not dresses), but you also opt to be the stay-at-home dad (a position generally assumed to be taken by the woman in the relationship). You grew up and are enmeshed in the society in which you live. Even when you realize how much of who you are is based on social influences, this doesn't mean that you have to start over -- in fact, this is basically impossible since ideas about gender roles permeate all aspects of our society! That said, being more aware about how gender is a social construct can make you a more conscious observer of your own thoughts and behaviors. You can incorporate those aspects of the male ego that you feel enhance yourself (such as being goal-driven or leadership), and reject those that harm your own well-being or that of others, such as the need to dominant others or view emotion as weakness.

Seek counseling. If you ever feel that the strain between who society tells you to be and who you are becomes too much and begins to adversely affect your mental well-being, then you should consider seeing a counselor. A counselor can help you to work through the issues that are bothering you, which may enable you to live a happier life.