- Limerence is an obsessive behavior that can result in an unhealthy attachment to a desired person.
- Love is described as a deep connection based on mutual understanding and interdependency.
- Behaviors of limerent people include changes in routine, idealization of another person, and anxiety.
- People in love are accepting of each other’s differences and flaws and complement rather than complete one another.
Difference Between Limerence and Love
Limerence is a state of infatuation, while love involves a deep and meaningful connection. Someone who is in limerence is obsessed with the person they’re pining after, thinking about them at all times of the day and feeling a kind of desperation to see them whenever possible. They’re obsessed with the idea of a person, but don’t actually know them. On the other hand, love is a feeling of deep compassion that is built on true connection and understanding.
Love is about interdependence, while limerence is about codependency. Two people in a loving relationship complement one another. They bring their own strengths and weaknesses to the table and work to build each other up where they may need help. On the other hand, someone who is experiencing limerence is completely dependent on the other. Instead of them complementing one another, the person in limerence might say the other person “completes” them.
Understanding Limerence
Limerence is an unhealthy state of obsession. A person becomes infatuated with the idea of another individual and constantly has intrusive thoughts about the object of their affection. People who experience limerence suffer from anxiety about the other person rejecting them, and they become dependent on this other person.
What triggers limerence is unique to each person. It may be that someone is grieving the loss of a loved one and is seeking comfort, or they might be dissatisfied with their current relationship. In some cases, mere proximity and possibly the appearance of the other person was enough to send someone into limerence. There’s no definitive trigger for limerence, and it really just depends on the person’s state of mind and situation.
Limerence is divided into 3 stages. The first is infatuation. This is when the person only has thoughts for the other and may feel like no one else exists for them. The second is crystallization, which is characterized by intense feelings of attachment. The person actually becomes aware that they’re falling in love, and they want to spend as much time as possible with the object of their affection. Lastly is deterioration, which is when both people's feelings for one another begin to fade. They may still care about one another, but there is not enough passion to lead to a healthy relationship.
Limerence can be overcome with acceptance. Taking a step back and assessing why they feel this intense obsession is one way a person can manage and overcome limerence. Accepting that their feelings are not love and having an open discussion with the other person are some ways to organize their thoughts and really determine what it is they’re feeling.
Limerence can turn into love. Limerence has a bit of a negative connotation, but in reality, it’s actually a common part of the early stages of love. A lot of people get a bit obsessed with their crush at the beginning. The difference between limerence and love is whether or not one can eventually move on from this obsessive stage and continue to work on developing their relationship.
Signs You’re Experiencing Limerence
You overlook all of their flaws and any red flags. You idolize this person to an extreme degree and put them on a pedestal in your mind. They can do no wrong, and so of course have no flaws in your eyes. Even if your friends and family point out something they think is off or tell you that there are red flags you should be looking out for, you may not believe them.
You genuinely believe that you can’t live without them. You might become very anxious and stressed at the idea of them no longer being a part of your life. Even if you’re not in any sort of official relationship, the thought of them no longer being by your side is one you’d rather not confront.
They’re constantly on your mind. It may sound like a romantic sentiment at first, but this can be a sign of limerence when these intrusive thoughts of them begin to interrupt your daily life. You may have a hard time concentrating and focusing on tasks because thoughts of this person just keep barging into your mind.
You go out of your way to create a “chance” encounter with them. You might make changes to your route to work, your hobbies, when you do your grocery shopping, or anything of the sort just so you can get another glimpse at the person you’re constantly thinking about. But you’re not just doing this so that you notice you, but rather because you feel a rush of euphoria and a sort of “high” whenever you see them. Seeing them gives you a momentary break from all of the intrusive thoughts you may be having about them, much like how one might satisfy a craving or addiction.
Signs You’re Experiencing Love
You feel like you and your partner complement one another. Rather than “completing” you and mercifully “filling the void,” your partner should be there to emphasize your strengths and help you improve in other spots. There’s no “They’re my other half. I don’t know who I’d be without them.” Instead, you build one another up and help each other to grow.
Your passion for one another stays alive. Even after that first obsessive phase fades, you can still see yourself being in a relationship with this person for a long time to come. Most importantly, you can see yourself being with them through both the good and bad times, and you’re willing to put in the effort for your relationship.
You recognize and accept their flaws. You can most certainly brag about your partner to your friends and family, but you’re also not blind to the qualities that maybe aren’t so great. But the important thing here is that you accept these faults and flaws and don’t let them skew how you see your partner.
You’re not holding your breath waiting for them to text back. You feel confident that they will, in fact, text you back and not just ghost you and leave you hanging. You know that your relationship is in a stable place and have no fears regarding them suddenly abandoning you.
You know when to give each other space. Wanting some space away from each other isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and you recognize this. Sometimes we just need time to ourselves to recharge. You’re perfectly capable of functioning and going about your life even if they’re not right next to you and in your line of sight at all times.
What to Do If You’re Limerent
Learn to love yourself first. If you’re trying to get yourself out of limerence, practicing self-love is something very important in helping you move on after this person is no longer in your life. You’ll be able to let go of these past experiences more easily and will be able to move forward instead of staying stuck in place.
Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Do a self-assessment of your feelings. Do you really like them? Or do you just like the idea of them? Even if you recognize your behaviors and thoughts are normal, it can still be hard to come to grips with the fact that you’re in limerence. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and your actions. This acceptance will help in letting go of any unhealthy relationships. Try thinking about what you actually know about this person. What is the reality of your relationship? Once you identify this and acknowledge that maybe the characteristics and attributes that you have connected to this person are actually mostly in your head and not in reality, things might become easier.
Accept that it will take time for you to heal. Even if you managed to get out of whatever relationship you were in, that doesn’t mean you’re going to be 100% okay right away. And that’s completely okay. Focus on making small steps towards living a healthier lifestyle and loving yourself.
Seek professional help. If your limerent behaviors are creating serious disturbances in your daily life to the point that you can’t function, find a mental health professional such as a psychiatrist, mental health counselor, or psychologist to discuss the problem. They may be able to offer you treatment in the form of counseling sessions or medication depending on your specific case.
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