Start Dating Again After a Breakup
Give yourself time to heal. Although there is no one-size-fits-all timeline for when to re-enter the dating scene, it’s crucial that you’ve really taken the time to heal from your past relationship. If the relationship was meaningful and long-term, there may be tons of emotions to process once it ends, so try to give yourself the grace and space to work through them ahead of downloading Tinder. Some people think that the best way to get over someone is to find someone new as soon as possible, but this typically leads to unhealthy rebound relationships. Some experts believe that you should take one month of self-reflecting and healing for every year you were with your ex. Others feel that 3-4 months is a good length of time if you were in a relationship that lasted 1+ years. In general, experts agree that the time spent healing between romantic partners is solely dependant on the person’s state of mind and emotional readiness. If the breakup was particularly painful, taking even more time is recommended. Chatting with friends, journaling, and therapy can all help move the healing process along. Relationship expert Amy Chan warns against dating too soon after a breakup, stating, "If you are dating to distract yourself from pain from your breakup, you are not ready."
Date yourself. Before jumping back headfirst into the dating pool, try taking yourself out on a few dates. This will help you relearn the things you’re truly passionate about without the influence of another person— i.e. your ex— and teach you how to enjoy your own company. Doing things alone post-breakup will kickstart your independence and confidence, reminding you that you don’t need a romantic partner to have fun. Take yourself on low-stakes dates, like cozying up with a cup of coffee at your favorite bookstore, going to watch a matinee, or on a sunset walk. You can also think of these solo dates as opportunities for self-care. Treating yourself to a spa day or trip to the hair salon can boost your confidence and self-image. Prioritizing your needs and sincerely knowing yourself are valuable tools that could help facilitate intimacy in future relationships.
Don’t date to replace your ex. The reasons behind wanting to start dating again can be closely related to the amount of time that has passed since your breakup. If you’re feeling totally healed and excited to find a new potential match, then have at it! However, if it’s been a year and you’re still hung up on your ex, seeing them in every new person you meet– you should reconsider dating until your ex’s memory is no longer haunting you. Dating someone new to replace someone old constitutes a rebound relationship, which can be unhealthy and doomed to fail if one person is using the other to mask unresolved grief and heartbreak. Harboring feelings for an ex can lead to negative projections onto the new partner, while hindering the possibility of forging a legitimate emotional connection. Not all rebound relationships fail, and some studies show that people who quickly enter a new relationship after a breakup feel more confident about themselves. Still, it’s critical to note that their success largely hinges upon whether one person jumped into the new relationship with a healthy and healed mindset or a scorned, spiteful mindset.
Be honest and patient. It’s perfectly okay to take things slowly, so don’t be afraid to let your dates know that you’re recently— or relatively recently— single and that you’re just trying to get back out there. Most people will appreciate the honesty and caution, and if they don’t, you’ll be weeding out matches who aren’t right for you. Regardless, it’s a win-win situation. Don’t put too much pressure on the dates and allow things to unfold organically. It will naturally take time for you to feel comfortable with someone new in an intimate setting. Free yourself of all time constraints. Finding a life partner is a marathon--- not a race!
Start Dating Again After Taking a Break
Try meeting people online and IRL. If you’d rather meet single hotties in person, go to places you don’t typically frequent. Instead of your good ol’ coffee shop down the street, venture out to a different part of the city. A coffee cutie could be lurking just a few miles outside your comfort zone… literally. If you prefer to meet a potential match from the comfort of your couch, try downloading a dating app like Tinder and Bumble. A study revealed that 1 in 10 partnered adults met their significant other on a dating app. Although experiences using the apps vary, 42% of Americans agree that online dating has made it easier to find a partner. There are benefits to meeting people in the real world, like know exactly what they look like and how they carry themselves. Good spots to meet people in real life include but are not limited to gyms, sports clubs, networking events in your field, dog parks, and at alumni events from your college. Dating coach, Collette Gee, notes that having good posture and walking into a room with confidence and a smile are all great ways to get noticed.
Make a list of qualities you seek. If you haven’t played the dating game in a while, it might be a good idea to make a list of everything you’re looking for in a potential mate. You’ve likely spent a good chunk of time single, really investigating what you seek in a partner and, ultimately, a relationship, so put all that inner work to use! On your notes app or a sheet of paper, jot down your most sought-after characteristics. Maybe intelligence is really important to you, or you highly value empathy, or you’re looking for someone more extroverted than you to help break you out of your shell. Similarly, jot down what your non-negotiables are. All of this mental planning will help set you up for dating success!
Don’t be afraid of rejection. One of the leading causes that people decide to put off dating is fear of rejection, which is completely understandable. Rejection can feel brutal and discouraging, especially for someone trying to put themselves out there after being chronically single. However, it’s most important that you don’t take rejection too seriously or too personally. In actuality, it's just a part of finding your soulmate! Try to keep a positive mindset. If someone doesn’t match with you, think of it as a good thing! They’re only helping you weed out incompatible matches so it’s easier for the right one to pop up. Rejection typically isn’t personal. Users on dating apps— and in real life— can choose to pass on matches for a variety of non-offensive reasons, like having a pet they’re allergic to or resembling their ex. EXPERT TIP Amy Chan Amy Chan Relationship Coach Amy Chan is a Relationship Coach based in New York, New York. She is the Founder of Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to healing after the end of a relationship. She has over 12 years of experience helping clients work on their relationships with strategies rooted in the psychology and science of relationships and personal development. Her team of psychologists and coaches at Renew Breakup Bootcamp has helped hundreds of individuals, and the Bootcamp has been featured on CNN, Vogue, the New York Times, and Fortune. Her book based on her work, Breakup Bootcamp, was published in 2020 and was featured by the New York Times. Amy Chan Amy Chan Relationship Coach Dating can seem scary or overwhelming, but think about it as a skill that gets better the more your practice. When you’re fresh back to the dating scene, the goal is not to meet ‘the one'; the goal is to connect. Practice building rapport, feeling curious, tapping back into your playful side.
Take breaks and have fun. Dating can be exhausting, so feel free to log off the apps and take some well-deserved you time. Spending time alone can reinvigorate you and remind you that the best and most important relationship we ever engage in is the one with ourselves. Your Tinder inbox can wait. Chan notes that finding a good connection is most important: "The foundation of love is connection. Set your goal on not falling in love, but in creating connection. The former is not something you can control, the latter is a choice you make, every day." She also notes that one should date with the expectation of meeting one's soulmate. "This adds an incredible pressure to yourself (which is felt by the person as well), and takes the fun out of dating," she shared.
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