How to Set Boundaries with Your In-Laws

Address boundary issues as soon as possible.

The earlier you can establish boundaries, the easier it is. If it's still early in your marriage, congratulations! This is the best time to figure out what your boundaries are. It might not feel easy to take a strong stance with your in-laws early on, especially if all you want is to get along with them. However, putting those boundaries in place now will actually make your relationship stronger in the long run, because it will help prevent friction and resentment from building up. If you've been married for a while, don't give up hope! Just keep in mind that it may take a little extra patience on your behalf. Your in-laws are already used to doing things a certain way and may be resistant to change. It's best if you speak up as soon as you notice a potential problem, like the first time your mother-in-law comments on what your child is eating or tries to take over in your kitchen. Pretending it's not a problem will make it harder to address later on.

Talk to your spouse about how you feel.

Make sure the two of you are on the same page. You'll have a hard time setting and enforcing boundaries if you and your spouse don't see eye to eye. Have a calm conversation where you explain why you feel like your in-laws have overstepped and what you think the solution to the problem should be. Talk to your partner in a calm, neutral voice, and remember they aren't to blame for their parents' actions. Also, use "I" statements and avoid criticizing your in-laws—your partner might get defensive if they feel like you're attacking their parents. Say something like, "Do you have a minute to talk? I feel uncomfortable with the way your mom just drops by any time she wants, and I was hoping we could convince her to at least call first." Chances are, this won't be a one-time conversation. You may need to re-address the subject as the situation evolves or your needs change.

Create clearly-defined boundaries.

Be as specific as possible about what is and isn't okay. Once you've identified the problem, work together with your spouse to come up with rules for how you're going to navigate the relationship with your in-laws. Talk about what is and isn't working, and focus on solutions that you think would make things easier on you. You might say something like, "I love the relationship between your mom and our kids, but I do need her to stop making comments about the fact that we're not raising them in her church. They can decide that for themselves when they're older." Or, you might say, "It's really stressful when your parents decide spur-of-the-moment that they're coming to stay at our house for the weekend. They need to start staying in a hotel. If money is an issue, we can pay for their room."

Ask your spouse to talk to their parents.

Your in-laws may find it easier to listen to their own child. Boundary-setting conversations can have emotions running high. To help keep the peace, enlist your partner to talk to their parents about the problem. This will also help present a united front to your in-laws, which can help head off some problems before they start. Try saying something like, "I feel embarrassed when your dad says you should have married your ex-boyfriend. I know he just wants the best for you, but I really need you to stand up for me next time that happens." If your spouse isn't willing to intervene with their parents on your behalf, spend some time reflecting on the reason why. Are they typically supportive of you, or is this an ongoing pattern? Could they see your request as unreasonable? Are they reluctant to create friction with their parents? Understanding this will help you know how to proceed.

Be assertive when you communicate the boundaries.

You and your spouse should be respectful but firm. It can feel a little uncomfortable if you're not used to being assertive, but it's really important to be direct when you set boundaries. Otherwise, the other person might not take you seriously, or they may not fully understand what you want from them. Ideally, your partner should handle this conversation. Either way, it's best if you're both there when it takes place. Your partner could say something like, "Mom, I love you and we are happy to have you in our lives. If you keep speaking badly about Stacy's mom, though, we're not going to spend as much time around you." Or, they might say, "We love seeing you when you come to town, but we're going to pay for you to stay in a hotel from now on. It's just too crowded and stressful with everyone in our home." If your issue is that your in-laws overstay their welcome, you might say, "We need to start limiting our visits to a certain time-frame so we can keep any other plans that we may have had."

Have examples ready.

Share a few times they may have crossed the line. Chances are, your in-laws didn't realize that they were doing anything wrong. As the conversation unfolds, they may be curious about what prompted you and your partner to feel the need to establish these boundaries. However, it can sometimes feel hard to think on your feet when you're in the middle of a tough conversation, so it's best to have a few examples in mind beforehand. Say something like, "Last week, Sasha and I had plans after dinner with you, but you stayed until nearly 10:00 and we had to cancel." Or you could say, "The last time you watched the kids, I asked you not to let them watch anything scary, but they told me you showed them Halloween. I can't let you keep them if you don't respect my rules."

Be open to some compromise.

You can be firm without being inflexible. Once you and your spouse have communicated your boundaries, your in-laws may have some thoughts to share as well. Your main priority in this conversation should be to keep the peace in the family—that's what healthy boundaries are ultimately about—so listen to them with an open mind. If they ask for certain concessions, give the idea some consideration instead of just turning it down right away. You might want to alternate spending the holidays with your parents one year and your in-laws the next, but it might be important to your spouse to spend Christmas Eve with his family each year. To keep the peace, you might designate Christmas Day for your parents and alternate the rest of the holidays.

Keep your cool, even if you get upset.

Take deep breaths until you feel better. The path to having healthy boundaries may not always be easy. Your in-laws may still do things you'd rather they not. And in some cases, they might even try to provoke a reaction from you. No matter the reason you're feeling upset, try your best to keep the peace—for your spouse's sake, if nothing else. Try not to take it personally, even if they're directing rude comments toward you specifically. Chances are, they just pictured a certain life for their child and are resistant to the idea that they are making their own path. If they're trying to provoke you, don't give them the emotional reaction they're looking for. Eventually, they'll probably give up if you can stay calm or even pleasant. When you're upset, take long, deep breaths and ground yourself by getting in touch with your physical senses. If you need to, go to another room or take a walk until you feel better.

Look at things from their perspective.

Empathizing may help you feel more patient with them. They might not be perfect, but chances are, they want to be part of a happy family dynamic. Take the time to get to know them so you can really understand where they're coming from. If you can put yourself in their shoes, it can make it easier for all of you to get along. Ask yourself why they might feel like they need to overstep your boundaries—maybe they're having a hard time letting their baby go, or maybe they feel like you don't respect their parenting choices because yours are so different. Do you have any expectations of your in-laws that may be impacting how you see them? If your mother-in-law isn't especially warm, you might not have the type of bond with her that you imagined. Try to focus on her other good qualities, instead. Look for what you have in common with your in-laws, rather than how you're different.

Pick your battles.

Know when it's best to let something go. When you're trying to work out your relationship with your in-laws, it can sometimes feel like everything they do gets under your skin. But try not to let it all build up on you. Instead, stop and ask yourself, "Is this really important enough to get upset about?" It's best to let it go if the consequences of giving in are minor—like letting your child stay up an extra 30 minutes or agreeing to serve Aunt Martha's pumpkin pie instead of your mom's recipe at Thanksgiving. Try deflecting minor problems by saying something like, "That's an interesting idea, thank you," or "I'll think about that." If the impacts are more far-reaching, like your in-laws show up at your house without being invited or undermine your parenting, that's when it's time to set healthy boundaries.

Speak up if they overstep again.

Be firm but polite about reinforcing your boundaries. No matter how carefully you explain your point of view, your father-in-law still might make off-color jokes at the dinner table, or your mother-in-law may still try to take over in the kitchen while you're cooking. It's important to be consistent with your boundaries, though—otherwise, your in-law may think it's okay to let things slide. Try saying something like, "Jim, we've talked about those types of comments. They make everyone uncomfortable. If you can't stop, we'll have to ask you to enjoy your meal in another room." Or, you might say, "May, I know you love to cook, but I'm going to take the lead for this meal. If you'd like to help, I'd love it if you could make the salad for us. I'll show you where everything is." If one of your in-laws is being really disrespectful toward you, it's okay to say something like, "I'm trying my best to keep things cordial, but if you continue to talk to me that way, I'm going to ask you to leave." EXPERT TIP Allison Broennimann, PhD Allison Broennimann, PhD Clinical Psychologist Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association. Allison Broennimann, PhD Allison Broennimann, PhD Clinical Psychologist Always be sure to note when you feel that a boundary has been crossed. The first step is to curate this awareness. The second step is to pause and take a breath before you react. Ask yourself, "What do I actually need here?" Then the third step is to enforce the boundary in service of your needs. For example, if your in-laws are asking you too many questions, you could take a breath, then say something simple like, "I don't know how I want to respond to that right now. Is it okay if I think about it?" This is how you can create boundaries in a non-confrontational way.

Try not to ask for too many favors from your in-laws.

They can feel entitled to your life if they're helping a lot. There are times you can't avoid having to ask your in-laws for help, and that's fine—that's what family is for! But if you're struggling with in-laws who don't respect your boundaries, it's best not to lean on them more than you have to. Otherwise, they might feel like they have a right to comment on how you're living your life. If your in-laws watch your children several times a week, for instance, they may develop strong ideas about your parenting style. If you borrow money from them, your in-laws might become critical of how you spend your money.

Encourage your spouse's relationship with their parents.

This may help smooth over any tension. Sometimes a difficult in-law dynamic can occur when your spouse's parents feel like you're taking their child from them. They might then become overbearing as a way to try to keep your spouse close. If you respond by coming between your spouse and their family, it's just going to add fuel to the fire. Instead, embrace the fact that your spouse loves their parents, and encourage them to maintain a close relationship. If you're having conflict with your in-laws, make a special effort to be kind and patient with your spouse. Otherwise, they may feel like you're blaming them for the problem.