How to Set Boundaries with Narcissistic Parents

Identify the boundaries you want to set.

The more concrete and clear your boundaries are, the easier it will be. Reflect for a little and determine what concrete, specific boundaries you want to enforce. Then, plot out how you want to frame these boundaries if—or when—you need to present them to your parent. “Be nicer to me” is pretty hard to evaluate. “I want you to stop putting me down” is better, but still difficult to call out. Something like, “You cannot keep bringing up how I don’t make as much money as I should—especially in front of my spouse” or, “I do not want you to interrupt me in front of others to talk about yourself” will work.

Be clear about where the line is.

If you need to put your foot down, don’t beat around the bush. If your heart-to-heart conversation is proving to be not enough and you want to set boundaries, spell it out for them. Talk to them privately, lay out your ground rules, and do not negotiate, argue, or discuss it. Make it clear that this is how it’s going to be from now on. You could say: “I’ve tried to let it go, but I just can’t. You have to stop putting me down at family events. It’s completely unacceptable.” “You cannot give me unsolicited advice about raising my kids. I’m their parent, not you, and this needs to stop now.” “Stop acting like a victim when I don’t drop everything I’m doing to help you out. I’m tired of it and I’m not putting up with it anymore.”

Spell out the consequences.

Explain what happens if they don’t respect your boundaries. A narcissist is unlikely to honor any boundaries if there’s nothing in it for them. Come up with a consequence for crossing each boundary you set. Keep in mind, you don’t want to choose something you aren’t willing to enforce, since bucking on the enforcement will actually make the boundary even less valid in their eyes. You may say: “If you don’t stop putting me down in front of others, I won’t invite you to family events. That’s it. No more Thanksgiving, no more Christmas, and no more annual barbeque.” “If you keep telling me how to raise my kids, they simply won’t be visiting grandpa and grandma anymore.” “If you keep playing the victim card, I simply won’t offer to help with anything. The next time you need me to give you a ride or fix your internet, you can just call someone else.”

Do not negotiate or justify.

They won’t like the boundaries or consequences, but don’t let up. Do not allow them to plead, discuss, or negotiate where your lines are drawn. They’re your lines, and putting your foot down sets the precedent early that you’re not going to be pushed around here. Feel free to explain why you’re doing this, or answer questions that they have, but don’t concede anything. Phrases like, “This is non-negotiable,” “It’s not up for discussion,” and, “I’ve made my mind up” are going to be your best friend here. The more info you give them regarding your reasons here, the more room they’ll have to try and argue.

Ignore the fighting words.

Boundary-setting may anger them, but don’t fight fire with fire. They may try to hurt your feelings just to destabilize the situation and wrestle some control back from you. Don’t let them get to you. If they say something to ruffle your feathers, play it off, smile, laugh, or just flat out ignore it. They should stop if they don’t get the reaction they want out of you. Narcissists often try to quarrel to gain control, so take that power away from them. Ignore it when they try to play the victim card. If they throw out counterarguments or try to intimidate you, do not get baited into responding. Remember, you aren’t negotiating here. These boundaries are concrete and you can’t let them think there’s any chance you’ll change your mind.

Don’t let the little violations slide.

If they get close to the line, act quickly and call it out. It’s tempting to let small stuff go, and you should if that “little thing” is truly not a part of the problem. However, if you let them test the boundary, it will weaken over time. The moment you get a whiff that they’re crossing a line, call it out, tell them to stop, and remind them what’s at stake here. If you’re firm and fair, they’ll get the message. If your boundary focuses on negative comments in front of family and they start talking about how successful they were at your age, butt in with a, “Hey. Careful.” Even a raised eyebrow can send the signal that they shouldn’t push it further. If they text you after midnight asking for help with something trivial, reply, “I’m going to bed. We’re not doing this.”

Enforce consequences consistently.

If they seriously cross the line or they keep pushing it, follow through. Enforcing a consequence is never fun, especially if you were hoping it would never come to this, but they’re never going to change if you let things slide. On top of that, if you’re inconsistent, it’s going to be difficult to actually pull the trigger in the future when you want to enforce a consequence. It may be painful, but remember, they’re the one crossing the line, not you. If they show some actual reform in the future, you can reverse the decision. The important thing here is that they know you’ll enforce the consequence, but letting it go if they apologize or actually stop is fair.

Provide positive reinforcement.

If they cut it out, show them kindness, love, and appreciation. You really do need to treat a narcissistic parent like a child. If they’re behaving well, reward them. Tell them that you genuinely appreciate them, show them love, and show up a little more often to spend time with them. If they’re respecting your boundary, it’s a sign that they’re respecting you and that your relationship is improving. You can ask them to hang out more often, call them just to talk, or take them out to eat at their favorite restaurant. It can be hard to do this if you’ve got a lot of pent-up anger towards your narcissistic parent. If they’re genuinely making an attempt to do better, you should too. If you need help letting it go, talking to a therapist or counselor may help.

Take a break if you need one.

If it reaches the point where you need to step away, do it. Let them know you need some time alone due to their boundary-crossing behavior. Alternatively, you can simply stop responding to them and slowly disengage over time until you’re ready. If it’s necessary for your mental and emotional health, it may be your best move. Don’t beat yourself up if it gets this far. You have nothing to feel bad about if you need some space Some people cut their narcissist parents off altogether. If you think this is the healthiest thing for you, don’t beat yourself up about it.

Take care of yourself.

Self-care is essential when you’re dealing with narcissists. Narcissistic parents can always find a way to get under your skin, especially when you’re trying to set boundaries. Look after yourself. Set time aside to get a massage, see friends, and pursue the things you care about. Meditate, exercise, and eat a healthy diet so that you feel your best. Seeing a therapist can really help, especially if you find it emotionally taxing to deal with your parents. You may be surprised, but this is a very common problem, and a therapist will be able to offer insight.