How to Be in a Relationship with a Narcissist

Praise their good behavior.

Some people with NPD respond well to positive reinforcement. When your partner does something nice for you, thank them sincerely, and don’t be afraid to go a little overboard with the compliments. Be sure to really emphasize the good things they do in the relationship—the more you make them feel good about themselves, the more likely they are to repeat those things in the future. “Thanks again for making dinner last night. That food was so good, I’m surprised you haven’t had any formal training.” “You bought me flowers? That’s so sweet! You are so thoughtful and kind.”

Pick your battles.

Not everything is worth arguing about in a relationship. While it’s normal for every couple to argue now and then, arguing with someone who has NPD usually isn’t productive. If your partner starts an argument with you, calmly tell them that you disagree, then deescalate the situation with neutral phrases. Getting defensive or fighting back will only add fuel to the fire. “That’s not exactly how I interpreted it, but we can agree to disagree.” “I think we got our wires crossed here. Can we start over?” Unfortunately, people with NPD don’t like apologizing, either. Even if they owe you an apology, it’s better just to move on instead of insisting they say “I’m sorry.”

Ask them about their feelings.

People with NPD often have a tough time expressing themselves. Often, their strong emotions will come out with anger—yelling, name-calling, and blaming are all typical for someone with narcissism. You can try to mitigate these reactions by checking in with them often and seeing how they’re doing. Try asking leading questions, like: “How do you feel about that?” “How are you feeling today?” “Is this too much for you?”

Accept your partner for who they are.

Unfortunately, a narcissist is not likely to change their ways. It’s okay to request that your partner makes little changes, like how often they do the dishes or where they put their dirty laundry. But your partner’s basic character traits and morals are probably here to stay. Try to acknowledge who your partner is now, flaws and all. If your partner has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, they may be able to change some of their ways with therapy. However, that’s a long process, and it can take a while for any changes to be made.

Ignore inflammatory or mean comments.

Getting defensive or upset is what your partner wants. Many people with narcissistic personality disorder will tell you mean or offensive things about yourself to make you feel bad. Try not to give into what they’re saying, and let these comments roll off your back. Stay calm, and don’t respond in turn. If you don’t give them a reaction, they might stop trying to provoke you. You can also use sarcasm or humor to defuse the situation. Saying things like, “Wow,” or, “Nice one,” when someone insults you can really take the wind out of their sails.

Let go of the need for their approval.

People with NPD only have the capacity to care about themselves. This is not to say that your partner doesn’t love you—but their version of love probably doesn’t include caring about your needs. It might be tough, but do your best to stop seeking their approval or their praise. Focus on making yourself happy, not your partner. Part of this may include keeping good news to yourself. For instance, if you tell your partner that you got a raise, they might get defensive and wonder why they themselves aren’t making more money (instead of being happy for you).

Set boundaries for yourself.

Take back some control in the relationship by setting healthy boundaries. Typically, people with narcissistic personality disorder tend to push or violate people’s boundaries fairly often. Express your boundaries clearly, and be prepared to enforce consequences if they’re crossed. Otherwise, you may find your boundaries being pushed regularly. “If you yell at me or call me names again, I’m going to walk away.” “Snooping through my phone isn’t okay. If you feel like I’m being dishonest, talk to me about it instead of going behind my back.”

Put your needs first.

Your partner probably wants you to put their needs above your own. However, they most likely wouldn’t do the same for you. It’s important to keep your mental, emotional, and physical needs at the forefront of your mind. Since your partner isn’t going to care about them, you have to advocate for yourself and for what you want. Let’s say your partner wants to move to the city, but you’re happy living where you are. Advocate for your own needs, and make it clear that you won’t move just to make your partner happy. This goes for small things, too. If your partner wants sushi for dinner but you hate seafood (and they know it), don’t let it slide. Advocate for yourself and get something that you actually like.

Focus on your own goals.

Meeting your personal goals will make you feel happy and accomplished. If your partner can’t give you everything you need, you may have to create that happiness for yourself. Set goals for yourself and work toward achieving them all on your own—that way, you can look back on your life and be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. Want a career change? Make a plan to go back to school. Want to pick up a new hobby? Sign up for a class at your local community center. Want to make more friends? Join a club or a group near you.

Raise your own self-esteem.

Your partner may try to lower your self-esteem as part of their disorder. Many people with NPD view their partners as “less than” them. It’s important that you know and acknowledge your own self-worth: you are worthy of love, kindness, and respect. Repeating these things to yourself can help you get through tough moments with your partner, especially if you two are arguing. Being in a relationship with someone who has NPD can be very difficult at times. If you’re struggling, consider talking to a mental health professional.

Lean on your support network.

Your friends and family can give you the emotional support you need. Since your partner may not be capable of giving you everything you need in a relationship, look for others who can. Talk to your close friends and family members about what you’re going through, and turn to them in times of stress. Be sure to talk to people who really understand you and won’t judge you. If you don’t want to leave your partner, talking about what you're going through might make other people upset on your behalf.

Encourage your partner to go to therapy.

People with narcissistic personality disorder can treat some of their symptoms. With long-term therapy and even medication, your partner may be able to change some of their ways. Talk to your partner and encourage them to get help, not only for yourself but also for them. “Have you ever thought about going to therapy? I think you might find that it really helps with your anxiety and stress.” “It might be helpful for you to talk to someone. You could tell them about what you’re going through and see if they have any advice for you.”