Being There for Them
Reach out to them frequently but simply. Most people who are experiencing grief don’t want or need grand gestures or bold proclamations of support. Instead, they just need lots of small but clear reminders that you’re there for them. Get in touch with them at least as frequently as you did before the death and in similar ways—calling, texting, etc. Make brief affirmations of your presence, availability, and compassion. For example, you might text or email: “Just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you. Please get in touch whenever you’d like—I’m here for you.” Or, you might call and say: “Hi, Diane. I wanted to check in to see how you’re doing today. In can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you right now.”
Make yourself available when they need a friend. Whenever it’s possible for you to be there for them—to listen, to be a shoulder to cry on, to help with the groceries, etc.—clearly state that you’re available. If you’re willing and able to have them call or text you 24/7, say so: “Call me anytime you need me—and I mean anytime. 3 PM on a Wednesday, 3 AM on a Sunday, whenever.” It may not be feasible for you to be “on call” 24/7, and that’s okay. If possible, see if you can arrange with others in your friend group to provide full coverage. You may even want to set up an “SOS” system—let the grieving person know that if they send out a simple “SOS” text, someone will respond, no matter the time.
Offer to do specific things instead of asking if you can help in general. It’s very tempting to offer your help generically: “If there’s anything I can do, please let me know.” Instead of putting the burden on them, however, clearly state things that you can do and that you know will be helpful. For instance: “Can I bring my kids over to help me rake up the leaves for you?” Or: “I’d like to bring you over dinner twice per week. If that’s okay, which days would you prefer?” If they decline your specific offer, then you can make a more general one: “Okay. Is there something else in particular that you’d like help with? If there isn’t right now, you can always call me if something does come up.”
Let them grieve in their own way instead of making assumptions. Grief is a very individualized process. Don’t try to predict the path it will take, and don’t presume that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to experience it. Show your love and support by sticking with your friend during the ups, downs, and in-betweens of their grieving process. For example, if you’re friends with a couple who has lost a child, don’t expect them to have the same grief processes. Accept the validity of each person’s grief and do your best to be supportive in each case. You’ve probably heard of the “5 stages of grief,” but that theory was originally intended for people facing their own death, and has been largely debunked as a way to describe the grief process of a loved one.
Offering Words of Comfort
Ask how they are and be ready to listen unconditionally. Never ask a grieving friend “How are you doing?” if you’re not prepared to hear them out with your full attention. Asking how they are feeling is one of the simplest yet most essential things you can say when someone passes away, but you have to really mean it for it to be helpful. They may want to talk about their feelings for 20 minutes, they may not want to say much of anything, or they may just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. Follow their lead and give them what they need. Aim for a compassionate tone and caring look on your face when you ask something like, “Hey, Steve. How are you today?”
Acknowledge their feelings without limits or judgment. Even if you’ve experienced the death of a loved one yourself, you don’t know exactly how your friend feels. Their grief is not the same as your grief, and the timing and process of their path won’t be the same as yours. Avoid saying that you know how they feel, and especially avoid telling them how they should feel. For instance, don’t say the following: “I know how you feel. When my father died, I was a wreck at first. But you’ll start to feel a little better in a couple months.” Instead, say something like this: “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. My father’s death was one of the toughest times of my life. My only advice is to take whatever time you need to process your feelings.”
Follow their lead in talking about the deceased loved one. Your friend may prefer using terms like “passed away” and “is no longer with us,” or those terms may really bother them and they’ll just want to say things like “died” and “dead.” Listen for the type of phrasing they prefer and use it when you speak about the deceased person. Use the deceased person’s name or family title (like “your Dad”) frequently when talking about them. For instance, instead of, “I can’t imagine how much this loss hurts,” say, “I can’t imagine how much Dan’s death must hurt.” Your grieving friend may want to talk about their loved one all the time, or they may rarely want to do so. Here again, follow their lead.
Don’t try to say things to “make” them feel better. There are no magic words that can take away your friend’s pain. Instead of trying too hard to find ways that might make them feel better, focus on offering words of compassion, care, and love. Avoid temptations like the following: Saying that the person is “in a better place” or that “at least their pain is gone,” even if your friend shares your religious or spiritual perspective. They may feel like you’re de-legitimizing the grief they feel. Saying things like, “at least you still have your sister,” “you’ll find someone new someday,” or, “you’re still young and have plenty of time to have another child.” Don’t try to minimize the loss they feel by qualifying it. Saying anything along the lines of the following: “You really need to get over this.” You simply cannot cajole or command someone out of their grief.
Continuing Your Support
Keep checking in beyond the initial aftermath of the death. Practically every friend, acquaintance, co-worker, and so on will offer their sympathies during the days and weeks following the death. Within a month or so, however, most of them will probably feel like it’s time to move on. As a true friend, though, keep offering your support for as long as it’s needed. There’s no blueprint for how long you should check in and offer your support. Keep at it for as long as it feels like your friend needs it, and never completely stop doing it. After all, your friend’s grief will never completely stop. Yes, it’s a big commitment. But so is being a true friend.
Identify “trigger” days and situations so you can be extra supportive. Certain days, like the deceased’s birthday, their favorite holidays, and the anniversary of their death, are likely to trigger surges in your friend’s grief. Anticipate these days and be even more compassionate, caring, and helpful when your friend really needs you to be. Depending on how your friend’s loved one died, things like visiting a hospital, passing a bad accident scene, or hearing about a violent incident on the news may trigger surges of grief. Your friend may prefer distractions—for instance, going to lunch and a movie with you—on their trigger days, they may want to reminisce and talk about the deceased person, or both.
Encourage grief counseling months or even years after their loss. Grief leaves a permanent scar, even after the obvious signs of it have largely vanished. Going to grief counseling shortly after losing a loved one is often very helpful, and so is continuing counseling for years afterward—or even starting it for the first time well after the loss. Don’t say something like the following: “You really need to go to grief counseling to help you get over this.” Instead, be compassionate and supportive: “I’ve heard that grief counseling can be really helpful. I’d be happy to look into some options for you, and I can also drive you to the sessions if you’d like.”
Accept their new reality and build a new friendship with them. Your friend will be the same person in some ways and a different person in others after experiencing the death of a loved one. Things will never go back exactly to the way they used to be. Instead, work on building a new relationship with them based on their life after loss. Look at it as an opportunity to become an even more caring and compassionate friend. In some cases, your friendship may decline or you may drift apart completely. Focus on being a good friend with every opportunity you get, but accept the path that your relationship takes. Sometimes, being a good friend means letting go of your friendship.
Comments
0 comment