Deciding If You Want to Forgive Him
Ask yourself how happy you were before this incident. If this is a relationship that you’d like to keep, then you can give some serious thought to forgiving him. If you were already unhappy, then continuing the relationship might not be a good idea anyway. Start by asking yourself these questions: Is this relationship worth your time to save in the first place? Were you happy and fulfilled, or did the relationship hinder you in some way? For example, if you spent most of your time worrying about incidents like these, you might want to reconsider the relationship. If you were unhappy in the relationship already, then you might be better off to just move on.
Consider the length of your relationship. While the length of a relationship does not necessarily determine the strength or value of it, there are some things to consider. If problems are arising early on in the relationship, you have no reason to assume that they will simply vanish later. That said, if the relationship has been going strong for a long time, then it might be worth it to evaluate why this incident occurred before ending the relationship. Avoid the trap of staying in a relationship just because you have been in it for a long time. If you are unhappy, or the incident is unforgivable in your opinion, feel free to move on.
Be honest with yourself. You must be honest with yourself about whether you want to forgive the guy, about whether or not you want to continue the relationship, and about the fact that what has happened is done. You cannot go back and undo whatever event created this rift, and if you can’t accept that, you need to be honest and move on. Try asking yourself, “Did I like our relationship as it was, and can I see it becoming something that makes me happy again in the future?” Ask yourself if you are willing to put in the work. Restoring trust to a relationship can take a lot of time and hard work. Ask yourself if you are willing and emotionally prepared to work through the issues in your relationship.
Identify your boundaries. If you are unsure whether you can forgive a guy, this may indicate you haven't set boundaries and you aren't entirely clear what your boundaries are — or what you will and will not accept or tolerate in a relationship. Take some time (try free-writing) about what is most important to you in a relationship, what your values are, and which behaviors are not in line with those values. You need to be more clear on your boundaries before you can answer the question of forgiveness. It is important to communicate your boundaries to the other person — he cannot read your mind, and you may have different ideas of certain concepts ("monogamy" may mean something different to you than it does to him, for instance). There may be a misunderstanding about what is and is not acceptable in your relationship, and you need to make your boundaries clear. Talk with each other to clarify these boundaries, and let the guy know that if certain boundaries are crossed, you will end the relationship. For instance, maybe you're okay with your guy flirting with someone else, but not with anything physical. If your guy kissed someone else, this is a violation of those boundaries. If you already set specific boundaries in the relationship that could not be crossed (such as a zero tolerance for lying), you are under no obligation to consider rethinking those boundaries. In fact, you should probably move on if your boundaries are not respected.
Deciding If You Can Trust Him Again
Weigh in multiple offenses. People make mistakes. Whether this guy made a bad joke in front of your parents, said some mean things during an argument, or cheated on you with another person, there’s a chance that it wasn’t actually intended to hurt you. That’s not to say that the behavior is acceptable in your relationship, but a first-time offense may be an only offense. If you do choose to forgive, make it clear that you will not tolerate such behavior again. Repeat offenses may be a sign that this guy lacks any intention to change his behavior, and that it might be best for you to move on.
Know the difference between mistakes and deceit/disrespect. Mistakes happen for many reasons, but they are usually comprised of momentary lapses in judgment that lead to unacceptable behaviors. If the unacceptable behavior is planned, covered up, or well-thought-out, it was not a typical mistake. These kinds of well-articulated behaviors are deceitful and disrespectful, and are not likely to be one-time offenses. For example, if a guy has a one night stand with another woman after the two of you fight, it might have been bad judgement and a forgivable mistake. On the other hand, if he has an affair that lasts years, or multiple one night stands, this indicates that he has thought out his behavior and decided to be deceitful.
Gauge his willingness to change. You should not forgive his mistakes if he isn’t sorry and isn't willing to work to change and do things differently in the future. Take note of whether he accepts responsibility for his actions and whether or not he regrets them. If he tries to place all of the blame on you, or sees no wrong in what he has done, you may be better off to just move on. Keep in mind that if these actions were born out of a failing relationship, you may need to address what you were doing to contribute to the weakening of the relationship, too. For example, maybe you have been unwilling to discuss issues in your relationship or tell him your wants and needs. Identifying your part in a failing relationship doesn't mean you take the blame for the guy's mistake or that it's okay — it just means you understand that a relationship that is in trouble is rarely just the work of one person.
Moving On Either Way
Face your feelings after the incident. You might be tempted to bury the bad emotions that this incident brings up. Feelings like betrayal, guilt, sadness, and fear of losing your relationship can be hard to face. Avoid the urge to suppress these feelings. You need to allow yourself to feel each emotion, and express those emotions to the guy who hurt you. If you are choosing to forgive him, you need to get these emotions out of the way so that you can move forward with the relationship. If you choose not to forgive him, you need closure from these feelings to move on happily to the next phase of your life.
Take the space you need. Even if you decide to forgive the guy, you may need some space to process how you feel about the situation. Ask for this space and make it clear that you need to sort things out before moving forward. If the guy is serious about being forgiven, he will understand and give you the space you need. Do not use this as a way to keep a guy waiting on you so that you can get even. Make it clear that you need space to sort out your feelings and thoughts. Say something like, “I am really confused right now, and I need some space to decide what I should do next.”
Talk to the guy about your feelings. Once you have a good grasp on your feelings, you need to discuss them with the guy that hurt you. Tell him that you need to talk, and that you will have questions that need answered. If he is serious about making things right, he will agree to talk to you and answer your questions. For example, if you feel betrayed, you should come out and say something like “I am afraid that if I forgive you, I will not be able to trust you again.” Make sure to use “I” statements to convey your feelings. Even if he is at fault for what happened, you are discussing your feelings. Ask all of the questions you need answered in one conversation. Do not bring them up over and over. Also, avoid any inappropriate questions (e.g. “Did she kiss better than me?”).
Let go of any hurt or anger. It will take time to regain your trust and security, whether you forgive this guy or move on. Holding on to hurt and anger will only slow the healing process and make you more unhappy. Make a conscious effort to identify your emotions and cope with them. Avoid doing things to “get even” with the guy that hurt you. This kind of behavior is sure to lead to regrets. If you are struggling to cope with your hurt or anger, you may need to consult a mental health professional.
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