Coming to Terms with the News
Learn about your friend’s illness. Cope with the shock of finding out about your friend’s illness by educating yourself about what they’re going through. Seek out resources, like books and internet articles, to find out how the illness usually progresses. Turn to creditable resources for terminal illnesses like the American Cancer Society or other national organizations relating to their specific condition. You’ll be better able to help your friend when you know what their remaining time may be like.
Find constructive ways to deal with your emotions. You may need to push your own feelings aside sometimes to help your friend, but don’t ignore them or bottle them up completely. Talk to your loved ones about how you’re feeling, or see a counselor or therapist. Creative hobbies can also be a good way to cope with intense emotions. It’s okay to tell your friend that you’re feeling sad or stressed, but be careful not to make your emotions a burden for them. Be gentle with yourself as your feelings come up.
Offer to help let others know. Ask your friend if they want you to help them break the news to other friends and acquaintances. If they say no, respect their wishes. If your friend is reluctant to tell others, try convincing them gently. Say something like, “Anne, I think it is best we let everybody know. It is up to you to decide, though.” Do not tell anyone else until you’ve asked your friend how they want to handle the situation.
Join a support group. Being in the company of others who have previously lost a loved one or who are currently coping with a loved one dying can help. These people understand what you are going though and can lend advice and support. Research a reputable organization relating to your friend's condition to find support groups in your area and online.
Spending Time with Your Friend
Be present with your friend. The most important thing you can do for your friend right now is show them that you care about them and want to spend time with them. You don’t have to always know what to say or do. Just look for opportunities to be with them and make them feel loved. If your friend is well enough, keep interacting with them like you normally would. Look for ways to have fun together. Invite them over for small things, like dinner, studying, or board games.
Let your friend take the lead. Your friend knows best what they need and want right now, so listen to them. They may want to talk about death, or they may not feel ready to broach that topic yet. Help them feel comfortable by mirroring their attitude and letting them guide your conversations. For instance, if your friend is working hard to maintain a cheerful attitude, try to act upbeat around them. Try asking them if they want to talk about what they're going through. If they don't want to talk about it, change the subject to what you can do to support them. Keep in mind that your friend might not have come to terms with their own mortality yet. If this is the case, be there for them, but also realize that they may need some additional support.
Avoid tiptoeing around the subject of death. Your friend might feel awkward if you avoid acknowledging their eventual death. Let them know that you understand what’s going to happen, and reassure them that you’re prepared for it. When you talk about death, do so in terms your friend is comfortable with. For example, your friend may prefer to talk about “leaving” or “going on a journey.” Keep in mind that many people are uncomfortable discussing death. If this is the case for you, then you might want to talk over your concerns with someone you trust first.
Avoid empty reassurances. Don’t fall back on platitudes, which aren’t usually comforting or helpful to someone who is dying. Similarly, don’t reassure your friend that everything is going to be fine. Be kind, but be honest. For instance, don’t say, “Everything happens for a reason,” or, “I’m sure you’ll feel fine after you start the new medicine.” If you don’t know what to say, focus on listening instead. Ask your friend if they want to talk about how they’re feeling. Avoid saying anything like, “I know how you feel.” This can come across as unsupportive and make your friend feel worse.
Know your friend might say things they don’t mean. Remember that your friend is going through a scary, stressful time. Don’t take it personally if they refuse your help or snap at you. Be as forgiving and patient as you can, and if you’re angry or upset, try not to let them know. For example, your friend might say "I know you'll be relieved when I finally croak so you can move on with your life." Simply reassure them with something like "I wish I wasn't losing you at all, but I'm glad about any remaining time we have together."
Avoid waiting until the end to say important things. If you want to tell your friend something, do it now. The time between diagnosis and death can be shorter than people expect, so don’t take it for granted that you’ll have enough time to say everything later. When you depart from your friend after a visit, be aware that you may not see them again. Say goodbye in a way you won’t regret in case it’s for the last time.
Providing Practical Support
Help your friend find information. If your friend has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness, they may feel scared and overwhelmed. Help them learn about what’s happening so they can make informed decisions about their treatment. You could offer to accompany your friend to doctor’s appointments, help them make a list of questions to ask their doctor, or search for books and articles about their illness.
Find ways to help your friend with day-to-day tasks. Don’t wait for your friend to ask for help – volunteer your services however you can. Offer to run errands, make dinner, pick your friend’s kids up from school, or anything else that your friend might have trouble doing on their own. Ask your friend what you can do to help, but also offer some specific suggestions in case they don't have anything in mind. That might include something as simple as sitting with them, listening to music together, reading to them, or praying with them.
Support the other people who are close to your friend. Your friend’s other loved ones are hurting right now, too. Reach out to their spouse, parents, kids, or other friends to help them get through this difficult time. Everyone can benefit from the emotional support, and all of you will be able to care for your friend better. For instance, you might offer to help your friend's spouse or parent with household duties or errands so that they have less responsibilities.
Help your friend leave a legacy if they want to. Ask your friend if they want to leave letters for their friends and family, write down the story of their life, or be remembered with a special tradition. If they do, help to make it happen however you can. For instance, if your friend wants to preserve some stories from their childhood but doesn’t have the energy to write, you could take dictation for them.
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