Breaking this Communication Pattern
Refrain from showing a reaction. Although some people engage in the silent treatment without realizing its toxic effects on relationships, some people purposely withdraw and ignore to hurt your feelings. In any case, if you start apologizing (and you don’t even know what you did wrong) or you start begging the person to pay attention to you, you are feeding the beast. Instead, take a silent treatment as a green light to collect yourself. Don’t show any anger. Don’t passive-aggressively force the person to talk to you. Don’t provoke an argument. Just give them and yourself some space until things simmer down. When you are around the person, strive to appear relaxed and positive. Don’t let on that the person’s behavior is negatively affecting you, even if it is.
Request a time to discuss the issue. People who give the silent treatment are basically sending signals about what they need because they are not able to communicate their needs effectively. Your friend or partner may not be trying to hurt you by pulling away. Rather, they are probably trying to nurse their own wounds after an argument. Take the high road and do what they aren’t able to do: pick a time to discuss the issue like adults. Saying, “We’re both emotional right now and need some time to think. How about we give it a few hours and come back around 3pm to finish this discussion.” You might also say, "I see you're not talking to me. You're probably trying to tell me something from this, but I'm not going to guess what it is. If you'd like to talk to me about why you're choosing to express yourself this way, I'd love to set up a time. I look forward to hearing what's going on." Doing this stops the silent treatment from having any impact because the silence is agreed upon. Then, once both of you have gained some objectivity, try to resolve the misunderstanding.
Try to see the situation from the other point-of-view. Keep in mind that communication is a two-way street. If your loved one feels the need to avoid you or place a deadlock on communication, they must be hurting. Aim to empathize with the person and see things from their perspective. Review the exchange that preceded the silent treatment and consider what the other person said. What did you say back? If you place yourself in their shoes, how would you feel? For instance, consider that you were pressuring your mother about letting you go to a party, so she started ignoring you. Thinking about it from her point-of-view helps you to realize that it's frustrating to be pressured and you would be annoyed as well. If you still feel bothered by the person’s silence, try talking with a trusted friend or relative to get an outside perspective on the situation. Be sure to pick someone who will be honest and gracious with you.
Use “I” statements when the discussion happens. The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive approach that can prompt passive-aggressiveness in you, too. The other person refuses to share their feelings or engage in conversation, so you decide to ignore them right back. Instead use an assertive approach that can help you get your message across without worsening the circumstances. ”I” statements are a practical way to share your thoughts and feelings without blaming the other person. You might say, “When I’m ignored, I feel small and powerless. I would like it if we could be more active in sharing our feelings and not withdraw from each other. Next time, can you ask for some space rather than just ignoring me?” As you talk with the person, make sure that you lead by example and respond with kindness, humility, respect, and self-control. Avoid accusing the person of things or assuming what their intentions might be.
Focusing on Yourself
Identify your role in the silent treatment cycle. Once you have got some space to yourself, you can use this time to consider how you play a role in the other person’s silence. This is not placing the fault on you, but giving you the power to recognize and change any communication patterns that may lead you to this point. As you reflect on your interactions with the person, try to find common patterns in your own behavior. For instance, your boyfriend was talking and you interrupted him because you assumed you knew what he was about to say. The silent treatment ensued shortly afterward. Your tendency to “predict” his thoughts could be causing frustration that prompts him to pull away. You can minimize your part in causing the silent treatment in this scenario by practicing active listening. Don’t cut in on your partner when they are talking. Give them time to fully express their message before you respond.
Reduce anger to avoid worsening the situation. Feeling manipulated can generate anger within you, which can push an already unhelpful interaction into dangerous territory. Recognize that it won’t do any good for your relationship to display anger. Use the space you get during the silent treatment to minimize the negative emotions you feel. Try some relaxation techniques such as guided imagery, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or gentle stretching to reduce anger and promote calm. If you need time to cool down, try taking a one hour break or even agree to table the conversation until the following day. Just don’t put it off for too long.
Set personal boundaries. When you effectively set boundaries in your relationships, you increase the chances of living according to your values. Whether the person giving the silent treatment is a parent, best friend, or lover, you can limit your own feelings getting hurt by this toxic relational pattern by developing personal boundaries. Set boundaries by first thinking about how you want to be treated in your relationships, and what you will and will not accept from those around you. Once you have established these limits, share these expectations with your loved ones. Keep in mind that if you have been abused in the past, then you might feel confused about how you ought to be treated in relationships. Try talking your situation over with a trusted friend first. For instance, you might say, “I care about you and enjoy spending time with you. But, when you suddenly stop talking to me, it makes me feel confused and helpless. If you continue to do this, I will have to get some distance from you to protect my own emotional health and well-being.”
Perform self-care. Regardless if the person means to hurt you, being on the receiving end of the silent treatment doesn’t feel good. Spend some time doing things that relax you and make you smile to counteract the negative effects of the silent treatment. Get some exercise. Call a trusted friend. Visit a local park or museum. Light a candle and take a bubble bath. These are all excellent ideas to perform self-care to boost your mental health during the silent treatment.
Dealing with Emotional Abuse
Notice the link between the silent treatment and narcissism. If the silent treatment is a chronic behavioral style of your loved one, this person may have narcissistic traits. Narcissism is frequently used to describe the personality disorder in which a person holds a very high sense of self importance. If you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you didn’t do or begging your partner to communicate with you, they could be using your response to gain the upper hand in the relationship. It can be emotionally draining and confusing to be in a relationship with a narcissist. However, there are some strategies you can implement to improve your interactions with this person. Individual therapy may also help you learn how to cope with their behavior.
Develop better communication skills in therapy. If you are interested in becoming a better communicator—and your loved one is also invested—seeking professional counseling can help. You can do individual, couples, or even family counseling. Whether you are dealing with a family member or spouse, participating in therapy can help you identify the roles both parties are playing in the silent treatment and break the cycle of emotional abuse. For example, therapy might teach you to find healthier ways to express your demands like using "I" statements, sandwiching criticism, or requesting specific time to discuss grievances. On the other hand, it can teach your loved one how to be more verbal about their thoughts and feelings and learning how to manage frustrating in better ways than stonewalling.
Surround yourself with healthy communicators. If you are frequently the victim of the silent treatment, this relational pattern can take a toll on your health and well-being. In addition to working on your communication with the perpetrator, it’s integral that you spend time with people who communicate in a healthy way. Reach out to friends and loved ones who support you and value who you are as a person. Simply say, “My relationship has been sort of rocky. I could use some time with a friend. Want to hang out this weekend?” Another option is to participate in a support group for those who have encountered narcissistic abuse. You can ask your therapist for a recommendation or search for support groups online.
Leave the relationship with an emotional abuser who refuses to change. The silent treatment is one of many tactics employed by emotional abuses. It makes one partner feel intimidated and powerless to the other. If you have tried to improve your communication with your loved one and they refuse to acknowledge their part in the silent treatment, you may have to go your separate ways. You might say to your loved one "I can no longer be in this relationship because it makes me feel controlled and powerless. I have tried to work with you on this issue, but you refuse. I need to do what's best for me." Practice what you will say with a friend or therapist. Doing this can help you feel more confident breaking up with an emotional abuser.
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