How to Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

To get your ex back, take time to accept the breakup and build your self-esteem. Talk to your ex about working on the issues that lead to the breakup. Dating coach Lisa Shield says learning “how to listen, how to communicate, [and] how to have boundaries” can lead to a healthy relationship.

Making Sure Your Head Is in the Right Place

Reflect on why the breakup happened. The first thing you need to do is take a long, hard look at what factors led up to the breakup. Consider whether these same difficulties are likely to cause more relationship problems if you try to get back together, or if you might be able to get past them. It's important to think about what you might have done to cause the breakup. Blaming your ex for everything is not a great way to get him back!

Think about why you want him back. Breakups are never easy, even when the relationship was not a good fit. For this reason, it's crucial to think about your motives for wanting to get your boyfriend back. If you want to get back together because you are sad or lonely or don't like being single, you should probably reconsider. Just because you miss your ex does not mean you should be with him. These feelings will go away eventually, although it may take some time. If you want to get back together because you genuinely care for your ex and you can see yourself having a future with him, then go ahead and try to get him back! If your boyfriend was physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive in any way, you should not try to get back together with him. It's perfectly normal for you to miss him even if it was an unhealthy relationship, but it's important to remind yourself that you can do better.

Take some time. Because the end of a relationship is often tumultuous, it's best to give both yourself and your ex some time away from each other before you try to patch things up. You both need to be able to get over the initial pain of the breakup and think about what you really want. This doesn't mean you need to completely shun him if you go to school together or have mutual friends, but avoid calling him or hanging out with him for a little while so that you both have the chance to heal and gather your thoughts. If your ex contacts you a lot, let him know that you're going to give him some time so he doesn't think you don't want anything to do with him. This is especially important if the guy you love is a bit shy or insecure. He may need some time to realize how much he misses you too!

Accept that it might not work out. When attempting to get an ex-boyfriend back, you need to realize that it may work out, but it may not. Even if you successfully get your ex back, there's no telling that your relationship will end up lasting. Prepare yourself for this beforehand to avoid being blindsided by heartbreak a second time.

Build your self-esteem. Take this opportunity to really invest in yourself and work on loving yourself. The better your self-esteem, the better prepared you will be to have a healthy, long-lasting relationship. If you suffer from depression or anxiety, see a mental health professional for help. You may be surprised what an impact treatment will have on your self-esteem. Remind yourself of your strengths and talents every day. Celebrate every accomplishment you make, no matter how small. If you have a hard time recognizing your own strengths, talk to your friends and loved ones. Ask them to share with you what they think your most positive traits are. Try to be thankful for all that you have. Meditation can help you reduce stress and live more soundly in the moment.

Getting a Second Chance

Talk to his friends. If you have mutual friends or if his friends would be willing to talk to you without telling your ex about it, consider asking them what they think the chances are that your ex would want to get back together with you. They are more likely than you to know if he has a new girlfriend or if he's dying to get back together with you. This is not fool-proof by any means. He might still want to get back together with you even if he hasn't expressed that to his friends.

Initiate contact. When you're ready to start spending time with your ex-boyfriend again, casually ask if he'd like to do something as friends, like having a drink, attending a sporting event, playing a game you both like, seeing a movie, or hanging out at the mall. Act like a friend, not a girlfriend. Don't use this as an opportunity to start begging him to take you back. Instead, try to have a good time with him and make sure he has a great time with you. Don't talk about your relationship the first time you see him unless he brings it up first. Otherwise, wait until you've spent time together a few times and have had the chance to make a good impression on him as a friend.

Be the person he fell in love with. While spending time with your ex as friends, give him reasons to remember all of the things he loves about you. Accentuate the traits you know he loves, like your sense of humor or your empathy. Always be positive and happy when you're around him. You can drop subtle hints along the way that you're still interested in him. For example, you could say, "It's great to hang out with you. I really missed spending time with you." Even if you don't bring up your past relationship directly, you can remind him of the good times you shared together in subtle ways. If he complimented a particular outfit, wear it again. You could also share a light-hearted memory with him. If you have a chance to meet him, do it in a familiar place where you used to enjoy good times together.

Show him you've changed. Take advantage of your time together as friends to show him how you've been working on improving yourself. For example, if it used to drive him crazy that you were always late, make a point of showing up for your outing a few minutes early.

Have an open discussion. Unfortunately, there's no surefire way to know if your ex-boyfriend wants to get back together with you without asking him. When you feel you've had enough time to show him the new and improved you, have an honest conversation with him, letting him know that you still have feelings for him. Be sure to ask your ex if he still has feelings for you too before you start gushing about wanting to get back together. If he doesn't, there's not much you can do about it. Don't cry or beg. Don't let this conversation become an argument about why you broke up. It's important to show him that you've moved past that. Have the conversation in a quiet place where you won't be interrupted.

Commit to having a better relationship. If your ex-boyfriend takes you back, you both need to take steps to make sure that the same problems that caused your last breakup will not interfere with your relationship again. Talk to each other about what kinds of conflicts you have had in the past and how you could deal with them more appropriately going forward. Depending on how serious you and your boyfriend are, you might want to go to couples counseling to improve your relationship skills.

Addressing the Issues That Caused the Breakup

Correct bad habits. Now is the time to scrutinize your behaviors that led to the breakup and to try to self-improve. For example, if you feel that you and your ex broke up because you are too jealous or argumentative, try being more conscious of these behaviors and stopping them in their tracks. Depending on what bad habits you are trying to rid yourself of, you might benefit from the help of a mental health professional. Keep in mind that this does not mean you should change who you are. If your personalities are incompatible, it's probably best to look for a new boyfriend who appreciates you for you. If, however, you have some bad habits that you can address, go ahead and work on them. You don't need to change for anyone else! Any changes that you make should be made because they ultimately benefit you.

Apologize if you hurt him. If you did anything at all to hurt your ex-boyfriend, whether you said something that offended him or you weren't there for him in a time of need, it's time to apologize. It takes great strength to offer a sincere apology, but it will go a long way in helping you repair your relationship. Be specific about what you are sorry for. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry for hurting you," say, "I'm sorry for not returning your calls." This will help convince him that you have genuinely put some thought into the things you have to be sorry for. Tell your ex why you did what you did and let him know what you have learned from the experience.

Prove that you're faithful. If you and your ex broke up because you were unfaithful, you face the daunting task of convincing him that you will not cheat again. The exact way that you confront the issue should depend on why you cheated in the first place, but regardless of the reason, it's important to be open and honest with him. If you cheated because you were unhappy in the relationship or felt that something was missing, be honest about what happened and what you would like to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. If you cheated because you thought you had genuine feelings for the other person but you really didn't, let your ex-boyfriend know how wrong you were and tell him what you've learned. If you are a compulsive cheater and are unsure of what motivates you, show your commitment by seeking professional psychiatric counseling. If you cheated to get revenge or teach your ex-boyfriend a lesson, tell him that you realize how immature that was and that you've learned how important it is to deal with conflicts like an adult.

Work on long distance issues. If you and your boyfriend broke up because you weren't able to make your long distance relationship work, don't give up hope! Long distance relationships are hard, but it is possible to make them work if you stay strong and give your partner the attention he needs. Commit to regular conversations, and make sure you are open and honest with your partner at all times. If you can't be physically close to him, it's even more important to work on communication. Fill your partner in on even the most mundane aspects of your daily life, and encourage him to do the same. This will help you feel like you are a part of the other's world. Try your hardest not to let the distance cause you to become insecure about your relationship, as these doubts can cause the relationship to fail.

Knowing When You Should Try This

Make sure you want your ex boyfriend back for the right reasons. Are you really still in love with him? If so, it might be worth trying to get him back, by showing him you still care and that you believe things will be better this time. Sometimes breaking up provides time for both people to realize that, more than anything, they just want to be together again. However, if you have any other reason for wanting your ex back, reexamine whether it's a good idea to try to rekindle the relationship. For example, if you want him back because you feel lonely without him, that's not a good enough reason to get back together. The lonely feeling will pass with time. Or if you want him back because you feel jealous thinking of him with someone else, think again before you decide to try to get back together. Post-breakup jealousy is normal, and this, too, will pass.

Think twice if he's already in another relationship. If your ex boyfriend has started dating someone else, consider him off-limits. Don't become that person who won't leave her ex alone after he has moved on. If he's happy with someone else, you could end up hurting him, his new partner, and yourself by trying to interfere.

Stop trying to get your ex back if the relationship was toxic or abusive. It might feel temporarily lonely or even boring to be on your own after the end of a tumultuous relationship, but try to ride that feeling out instead of going back to your ex. On again, off again relationships tend to be based on unhealthy patterns that won't go away. Resist the temptation to jump right back in when you know you're better off without him.