Examining the Root of Bullying
Look for signs of jealousy or resentment. Often, the underlying cause of bullying is feelings of inadequacy when compared to the other sibling. Perhaps your brother or sister thought your parents liked you more, and they became jealous as a result. Or your sibling may feel that you were more popular growing up or that you had an easier life. Think about what your sibling has experienced in their life and if that might contribute to them being angry or resentful. They may have chosen bullying as a way to get back at you for what they believed to be unfairness. Talking with your parents or other siblings may help you discover if your sibling felt this way about you. They may be able to give you the details and information that no one else can. EXPERT TIP William Gardner, PsyD William Gardner, PsyD Clinical Psychologist William Gardner, Psy.D. is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice located in San Francisco, CA’s financial district. With over 10 years of clinical experience, Dr. Gardner provides individually tailored psychotherapy for adults using cognitive behavioral techniques, to reduce symptoms and improve overall functioning. Dr. Gardner earned his PsyD from Stanford University in 2009, specializing in evidence-based practices. He then completed a post-doc fellowship at Kaiser Permanente. William Gardner, PsyD William Gardner, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Keep in mind that arguments over minor things usually have deeper roots. With sibling therapy, conflicts over small things tend to actually be about the big things. Those issues tend to be based on feelings of comparison. For instance, maybe one sibling feels more responsibility to the family than the other does, or one has benefited more than another. It's rarely about, 'You didn't get Mom a card for her birthday,' but more about, 'You've never been a good brother.'
Examine your role in the bullying. There may be a chance that you unintentionally pinned yourself as the victim. Maybe you thought ignoring your sibling’s behavior would cause them to stop, but it actually encouraged it instead. Or maybe you have played along hoping that by seeming unfazed, they would lose interest. Your sibling may not understand how much their words and actions hurt you, and continue to engage in the damaging behavior as a result. Those closest to you and who are familiar with the relationship may be able to give you insight as to whether or not you made it seem that the bullying was acceptable. Having this outside point of view that is removed from the situation is often what you need to find the truth.
Ask your sibling about their behavior. You may find that the most helpful answer comes straight from the horse’s mouth. Ask your brother or sibling why they treat you this way. Although they may deny the behavior or shut down about it, you may get an answer if you probe long enough. You could say, “I feel like you criticize me and put me down more often than not. Can you tell me why you do this? I don’t want to start an argument, but I would really like to know what happened to cause this behavior.” Being honest with them may encourage them to open up to you. If you want your sibling to be honest with you, then make sure that you do things to facilitate honesty, such as by responding calmly, listening, and trying to understand them.
Conduct research about sibling bullies. Ask a therapist or look for books that discuss why bullying occurs. This may make you understand where your sibling is coming from. Understanding the root of bullying may help you resolve the conflict with your brother or sister. If possible, find a book that is written by a current or former bully. Even better, try to find someone in your life who used to be a bully but has changed their ways. Ask them questions about why they chose to exhibit that type of behavior and you may get a better idea of how you can fix your relationship.
Confronting Your Sibling
Stand up to them. It is important to stand up to bullies in a confident, assertive manner. By showing this confidence and assertiveness, you will be letting the bully know that you won’t tolerate their treatment. It is normal to feel upset in response to bullying, but try to avoid becoming upset in their presence, such as by crying or yelling. Bullies often try to get a reaction like this, so it may only fuel the fire. Looking your bully in the eye and saying, “Excuse me?” when they say something rude is a way to catch their attention. This simple, but effective, action may be enough to stop them from continuing their attack. Doing this also shows that you acknowledge the offensive action and aren’t willing to let it happen.
Tell them how you feel. To avoid starting the conversation with your sibling being defensive, make sure to leave the word “bully” out of your vocabulary during the talk. Instead, simply describe how you feel when your siblings says something or acts in a bully-type manner. Try to maintain a calm, non-accusatory tone to try to keep the conversation productive and non-heated. For example, you could say, “When you put me down, it really hurts my feelings. I would appreciate it if you could stop saying negative comments to me.” They may become upset at first, but hopefully after they think about it, they will understand and sympathize with how you feel and stop. Keep in mind that this does not have to be a long drawn-out conversation. Keep it brief and then move on. Allow your sibling some time to process what you have said. EXPERT TIP William Gardner, PsyD William Gardner, PsyD Clinical Psychologist William Gardner, Psy.D. is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice located in San Francisco, CA’s financial district. With over 10 years of clinical experience, Dr. Gardner provides individually tailored psychotherapy for adults using cognitive behavioral techniques, to reduce symptoms and improve overall functioning. Dr. Gardner earned his PsyD from Stanford University in 2009, specializing in evidence-based practices. He then completed a post-doc fellowship at Kaiser Permanente. William Gardner, PsyD William Gardner, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Try expressing your feelings with this formula: If someone does something to you that's hurtful, explain what they did that hurt you. Tell them how it made you feel and what you'd like them to do in the future, and end by telling them what will happen if they don't change their behavior.
Prepare what you’re going to say to their insults ahead of time. Bullies tend to pick one subject and use that as their “go-to” when they criticize. This allows you to plan an effective response to what they say. Once you speak up when they misbehave, they will likely back down. For instance, if they tend to pick on you because of the career path you’ve chosen, you can say, “I do something I enjoy. I’m sorry you don’t like it, but this is what I’ve decided to do, and I’m going to keep doing it.” Practice your response several times so that you are authoritative when it comes time to say it.
Suggest therapy. Ask your sibling to attend a therapy session with you. Going to a counselor may help you and your bully figure out why the hurtful behavior occurs. It may be difficult to encourage them to go, but you may be pleasantly surprised if they agree. To get them to go with you say, “It’s no secret that you and I don’t get along very well, but I would like to change that. I think if we went to a family counselor, we may be able to work through our issues and have a good relationship.”
Protecting Yourself
Take assertiveness training. If you’re uncomfortable standing up for yourself, a class on assertiveness may help. This type of training can increase your self-esteem and help you assert yourself in a non-hostile, authoritative manner. In addition to helping you with your relationship with your sibling, it can also improve your assertiveness in other areas of your life, such as with your job, other family members, and friends. A quick Internet search can inform you of any assertiveness training classes in your area. If you aren’t able to find any locally, you may be able to find one online. You can also work with a counselor to develop your assertiveness.
Stop blaming yourself. You didn’t ask to be bullied. Also, you probably didn’t do anything to elicit this type of behavior. Remember, you’re not the problem here; it’s likely because of issues the bully is going through. When you find yourself being self-defeating, recite a positive affirmation, such as “I welcome positive, uplifting relationships into my life” or “I try my best to be a great sibling.”
Perform self-care. Being the victim of bullying is stressful. The constant stress can cause both emotional and physical problems. You owe it to yourself to do what you can to relieve this turmoil. Often, physical activities are just what you need to remove the stress from your body. You may find that meditation, yoga, running, or another type of exercise can help. The results you see may also improve your self-esteem in the process. Taking good care of yourself in other ways, such as by eating healthy foods and maintaining good hygiene, may also help to improve your self-esteem and make it easier to withstand the bullying.
Leave the relationship. Despite your best efforts, you may not be able to make the relationship work. If you find that trying to stay only makes you feel worse or isn’t healthy, it may be time to move on. Accept that you can’t change the relationship, and distance yourself from the sibling. Removing your sibling from your life is a drastic step. Ensure you have thought through your decision and that this is what you really want to do before you make the move. This may mean that you cause tension with other family members, but if your life has become toxic because of this person, it may be exactly what you need to do. If you do decide to go this route, it is best to do so with the guidance of a therapist who can help you to manage the family dynamic changes.
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