- Think about what your sister does to make you feel walked all over and uncomfortable. These are the boundaries you have that she is crossing.
- Talk to your sister about your issues and ask her what she thinks is going on. Calmly listen to her response and ask her what you can do to make the issue better.
- Then, communicate and clarify your boundaries. Be firm and use “I” statements like, “I’m happy to loan you my clothes, but I need you to ask first.”
Assessing the Situation
Consider why you feel walked on. Typically, if you feel like you are being picked on, you are in one of two situations. Either, one, you are having a trouble sticking up for yourself and saying what you need, or, two, you feel like your needs are more important than your sister’s. You can make both of these situations better if you learn how to understand yourself and your sister better. If you are having trouble expressing yourself, you should identify what you need from your sister or why you feel wronged by her, and put it into words. You can use a journal to write about your experiences and feelings to clarify for you what is going on. For example, you might write “I feel hurt when she ignores the things that I say. It makes me feel stupid and then it makes me angry.”
Decide on specific boundaries. Think about what she is doing that makes you feel stressed or uncomfortable. Especially if your sister is making you feel uncomfortable, this might be a sign that you are being walked on in an unfair way. Break down the things that go wrong in your relationship and pinpoint what actions you can ask her to stop doing or things you can ask her to stop saying, practicing establishing your boundaries. For example, you might feel uncomfortable when she walks into your room and starts looking for something without asking. Perhaps she gives a reason for why she walked in and acts like it is okay that she is in your room. Do not be distracted by her reason or attitude. Think about specifically what she did wrong in this situation, and that is your boundary. In this example, she needs to knock before she walks in. Not doing so is not respecting that boundary. Make your boundary more specific. If you don’t want her to walk in without knocking, how should she knock? Can she come in if you aren’t in your room? Decide on reasonable and more specific limits for your boundary. For example, you could say, “You aren’t allowed to come in my room without knocking. If I am not here, you have to text me to ask before you go in my room.”
Consider where your sister is coming from. You can often discover where part or most of your problems with her come from if you pay attention and understand the other things that are going on in her life. When she is arguing with you or talking in general, pay close attention to what she says, and pay attention to her body language, too. Think about whether she seems stressed out about anything else in her life. You may see things that you haven't known about her that might make her mean to you. Think about the bigger picture of her life and why she is stressed about those things. If you are able to pick up on the reasons why your sister is upset, you might be able to avoid your problems with your sister. Are there any particular situations that trigger fights between you two? If you can pinpoint the places or times that you two seem to clash, you can often find ways to avoid your fights/problems. For example, if you notice that she gets upset with you when she is getting ready for school, you can avoid her during that time in the morning.
Think about what is going on in your life from an outside perspective. Consider whether there are other factors that are making the situation with your sister worse on your side. For example, are you having problems at school? Do you have difficulty with your parents? If you notice that you have a lot of problems with your sister after you hang out with your friends, for example, think about what influence your friends are having on you. With this knowledge of yourself, you can think about ways to avoid having the same problems with your sister after you hang out with your friends. For example, you might tell your sister something nice when you see her after spending time with your friends to start your conversation off on a good note. Or you might avoid particular topics of conversation with her; for example, if she asks you what you did today, you can say something small and change the topic.
Ask your sister about why things are going wrong. Have a conversation with your sister before you have another problem. She will probably be more likely to hear you out. If you aren’t able to, you can also ask her why you are having problems when you are about to have a fight or problem. Asking her to talk about it is the first step in sticking up for yourself. Have the conversation when you have enough free time to discuss what is going on in your relationship and where you can have a conversation without being interrupted. If you are having problems, stop the fight and say something like, “Stop. I don’t want to fight. I’ve noticed we have been having problems lately, and I want to talk about it.” If you are starting the conversation with her, ask her honestly, “I want to know what you think is going on between us.” Explain that you want to help make things better. You should ask her something like, “What can I do to make things better?”
Be prepared to listen. Some of the things she says will probably make you angry, and you should anticipate this. Realize that you need to keep quiet, not interrupt, and hear her out before you defend yourself. If you can pay attention to what she says, you will be better able to explain your side and understand her better. Nod along to the things that she says. Make and keep eye contact with your sister while she is talking. Ask her clarifying questions. You can say something like, “So are you saying that you want me to leave you alone when you are hanging out with your friends unless you ask me to hang out?”
Defending Yourself
Clarify what you need with your sister. Depending on your sister and your relationship with your sister, you may need to defend yourself in different ways. If your sister does well with people who are straightforward, you should clarify with her what is going on with you using simple assertions. This means you tell her something or ask for something directly. Start with the good, for example, “I appreciate it when you let me use your computer.” Be honest and straightforward about your problems. You can say, “But I think we have some problems that we should work on.” Tell her something that you need from her. For example, you can say, “I’d like you to knock before you come in my room.” You can explain to her how you feel, for example, say “Because I feel like I can’t trust you when you come in my room without asking.”
Incorporate empathy in your talk with her. This is especially good to do if your sister is someone who cares about being heard and/or is an emotional person. When you talk to her, include what you think she might feel when you are explaining what is going on with you. Do this to let her know that you are thinking about her feelings, too. If you are starting with the positive, you can say, “I know you don’t have to let me use your computer, so I am happy that you let me use it when I need to.” You can also use empathy in talking about what you need, too. For example, you can say “I can understand why you think that you don’t need to knock when you come into my room because we used to share a room, but I need my own space now. Please knock before you come in- every time you come in my room.”
Be more firm if she doesn’t agree or doesn’t do what you ask. This way to talk to your sister could be good for a sister who needs you to be nice to her on some days and firm with her on other days. If, however, she doesn’t listen to you and keeps doing the things you asked her not to, you may want to use an escalating assertion in the steps below. This does not mean that you become aggressive with your sister. Being more firm just shows that you are serious about your boundaries. Start nice, and say something like, “I’m happy to have you come in my room, but I need you to knock first.” Say this is a nice but firm way. If she doesn’t listen, get more firm, and say something like, “Amanda, do not come into my room unless you knock first.” Keep your voice serious, but do not get mean or shout. Shouting will not help you communicate with her. If it keeps happening, tell her no in a more serious way, say something like, “Amanda, I’ve asked you twice to knock before you come into my room. Stay out of my room until I tell you that you can come into my room.” Let your tone be serious and firm, but do not get emotional or yell. This will make it seem like you are out of control. Remember that if she doesn’t agree, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is stand your ground.
Assert yourself when her actions don’t match her words. For example, if you notice your sister is eating your food even though she said she wouldn’t, you can use these I-Statements to tell her how you feel. There are 4 parts to the I-Statement: Describe the things your sister is doing and the facts of the situation specifically- “Amanda, you are eating the food I saved for my lunch today.” Don’t use accusations when you talk to her by saying things like, “You stole my food.” or “You don’t care about me.” Because you aren’t a mind reader, and you don’t want to accidentally assume something that is incorrect. Tell your sister how her behavior impacts you. For example, you can say, “I saved that food and was looking forward to eating it today and now I have to find something else to eat and I don’t have a lot of time or good options.” Then tell her how that makes you feel. Say something like, “And when you eat my food it makes me feel like you don’t care about how I feel.” Give a solution to the problem and/or explain the situation more. For example, “I want you to ask me if you can eat my food next time. If I am not around, send me a text. And sometimes, I do have extra food that I would be happy to share with you.”
Stay calm while you are talking to your sister. Do not yell or get mean with your sister. If you want your sister to respect you, you need to learn how to communicate with her without getting mean or loud. If you can’t control your emotions, she might see this as a weakness and try to distract you from the conversation by starting an argument with you. Practicing what you will say in a role play with your friend or in the mirror before you talk to her will help you to stay calm in your conversation. Try to focus on being matter of fact and natural in your tone of voice.
Role play being assertive with a friend. Ask a friend or family member if he or she can pretend to be your sister to practice what you want to say to her. Find someone who knows your sister, and have him or her act the same way your sister acts with you. You can practice telling her your boundaries or asserting yourself. Write down the things you want to say to your sister and practice saying them in your role play. Have your friend respond the way he/she thinks your sister would respond so that you can practice defending yourself to your sister. You can also practice listening to your sister. Have your friend role play your sister explaining what is going on, and you can practice active listening. Once again, write down the questions you want to ask her about your problems and think of follow up questions to ask. Show you are listening in your role play by nodding along and making good eye contact.
Moving Forward
Feel good about asserting yourself, and be prepared to do it again. What happens after you have stuck up for yourself is not as important as the fact that you stuck up for yourself. Sticking up for yourself is hard and you should be proud that you did it. It is a good practice that you will need to learn to do many times before things start to change because sticking up for yourself is not a one time fix thing. While you are in the confrontation, tell yourself that you are doing the right thing. And again after the conversation, remind yourself that it was good to talk to your sister and set your boundaries no matter how she handles it.
Reflect on what went well in your conversation and what could go better next time. Don’t be down if there were bad parts of your conversation or if your sister didn’t seem to listen to you. Think about what you did or said that you were glad that you did. Plan on saying things differently, listening better, or reacting to her better based on your conversation.
Change the way you talk to yourself. People talk to themselves in their heads and sometimes that self talk becomes negative and starts repeating. When it comes to your sister, make sure that you don’t dwell on only the bad things in your relationship. It is good to think about the ways that we are not being treated right and stick up for ourselves, but we shouldn’t dwell on these things because it might make things worse. Learning how to change your negative self talk positive can help you to reduce your stress in other parts of your life, too. For example, if you find yourself repeating negative things to yourself like, “I will never like her,” this might make you more bitter toward your sister. And feeling bitter or resentful will make it harder for you two to have a good relationship. Find ways to make your thoughts more positive. You don’t have to lie, but you can say something like, “Sometimes I feel like I really don’t like my sister, but occasionally she sticks up for me with our parents, and I can tell she cares about me.” Refocus on the good things. After a bad conversation you can say to yourself, “No matter what happened, I didn’t lose my cool.”
Make an effort to reach out to your sister more. If you have a difficult relationship with your sister, your sister may feel like you don’t like her, and that might not help your relationship. Find ways to make connections with your sister. Think about what you have in common or what you might be able to do together that is fun. For example, if you both love watching movies, ask her if you could go to a movie sometime together, just the two of you. Ask your sister how things are going with her. If you have some extra time, try to check in with her in a real way. You can say something like, “Hey, what’s really going on with you?” or “How are you really doing?” Most people like it when someone really wants to know what is going on with them. Show appreciation for the things your sister does and says. This might be hard at first, but after you have done it a couple of times, it becomes easier. When you hang out with your sister or talk to your sister, make an effort to show her that you like her. For example, laugh at her jokes, ask her questions, and tell her things you like about her. If she feels like you respect her, she might start respecting you back. For example, if you see her helping out a friend, you might give her a compliment by saying, “Hey, I think you are a really good friend.” If she does something for you, tell her you appreciate it. For example, you can say, “Hey, thanks for sticking up for me when mom and dad accused me of taking the keys.”
Talk to your parents and friends about the situation. Get outside support to help you in your relationship with your sister. Talking to other people can help you understand the situation better. Especially with your parents, they might have insight into the situation which will help you know how to deal with your sister in a better way. With your friends, maybe they have similar relationships with their siblings that they can tell you about and that will help you to hear about. In general, sharing about what is going on with you and your sister is a healthy way to improve your relationship with your sister. Try to avoid only talking about the negative things about your sister. You don’t want these conversations to reinforce your bad feelings for her. If you can’t think of good things to say about her, try to focus on discussing things you can do to be a better brother or sister.
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