How to Calm Your Sibling

Being a Good Sibling

Understand that you can't control how your sibling feels. You aren't responsible for someone else's emotions, nor should you expect yourself to be able to fix everything. You can do your best, and sometimes that will fix it, and sometimes it won't. Everyone gets upset sometimes. And sometimes, being upset is a natural and healthy way to respond to a situation.

Be a good friend to her. People tend to feel better when they know that someone is there for them. Spend time with your sibling, listen to her, and do fun things together. Be kind and polite to her. A good relationship with you won't fix everything, but it can help her more than you realize.

Validate her feelings. Your sibling may have an easier time handling her emotions if you help her feel understood and listened to. Validating her feelings will help her work through them. "I'm sorry to hear that." "That sounds tough." "I'm not surprised you're sad/frustrated/worried/upset. You're in a difficult situation right now." "I can tell this is hard for you. I'm here for whatever you might need."

Let her feel her feelings. Avoid telling her how to feel or what to do, because this may just make her feel unsupported or unheard. Instead, let her cry or express herself, without any judgment from you. Sometimes, the best way you can help is to just sit with someone while they are upset. This gives her the chance to "let it all out." Instead of "Don't be sad," say "I can tell you're sad." Instead of "You should be happy," say "What part of this is upsetting you?" Instead of "It's not a big deal," say "I can tell this is important to you." Instead of "You're crazy," say "I don't understand yet, but I care. Can you tell me more about it?"

Be willing to give it time. Big emotions don't go away in an instant. It may take time for your sibling to process her feelings. She may want to have company, or she may want to be alone. Whatever is going on with her, be patient, and let her take her time. It can be helpful to ask your sibling whether they want company or not. This way, you can follow their direction.

Helping a Sad Sibling

Ask if she'd like to talk about it. Your sibling might benefit from the chance to talk and "cry it out." Sometimes, people just need someone to listen and stay with them while they cry or express their feelings. Ask if she wants to talk. If she says no, you could gently tell her that you're there in case she ever does want to talk. Then offer a distraction, or let her be.

Offer a distraction, in case she wants one. Sometimes, people feel better if they have a chance to focus on something else. Try inviting her to play a game, take a walk, go outside, dance to music, or do something else with you that she enjoys. Having some fun may help your sibling feel a little better. She probably won't forget her problem, but she might feel a little more optimistic about it, because she may feel less alone. Distractions don't always help, so don't push her if she says no. You could ask if she wants to talk about it, or you could let her be.

Be there for her when you can. Maybe she'll want a shoulder to cry on, or maybe she just wants someone to play video games with her and take her mind off of it. Set aside time to spend with her when you can, especially if she's going through a rough time lately. Your support can help her feel stronger, and better able to handle her problems.

Helping a Scared or Overwhelmed Sibling

Help get her away from whatever is upsetting her. Sometimes, the problem is external (like bullies or loud noises that bother her), and you can take her away from it. See if you can get her to leave the room or area. Here are some things you could say to encourage her to leave an upsetting situation: "Come play outside with me." "It's noisy in here. Why don't we hang out in my room?" "Can you come help me in the kitchen?" "Let's get some air." "I'm too hot. Will you take me for a walk around the block?"

Talk to anyone who is upsetting your sibling. If someone else is doing something that is really bothering your sibling, take a deep breath and ask them to stop it. Do your best, even if assertiveness is hard for you. Your sibling might really appreciate you standing up for her. "You need to stop name-calling." "The loud noises are scaring her. Please keep it down." "Knock it off! She said she doesn't like that!" "She's pushing you away because she doesn't want a kiss. Sis, would you like a hug or a high-five instead from Auntie Jane?" "Stop that. You're hurting her." Always keep it verbal—never physical. Physical violence will only make things worse.

Comfort her if you can't protect her. Sometimes, your sibling has to do something scary, like getting her flu shot or taking a difficult exam. In that case, you can't take her away from it (or you could, but it would cause even worse problems). But you can hold her hand, validate her feelings, tell her that she's brave and strong, and promise to be there for her.

Reassure her afterwards. Even after the upsetting part is over, your sibling still might feel rattled or scared. You can help by validating her feelings, praising her, and giving her physical contact (like a hug or a hand on her shoulder). This can help calm her down a little, and remind her that she's safe. "I know that was scary. You did great." "I'm glad you told me you were overwhelmed. That way, I was able to help you get out of there." "You were really brave." "I know that was hard. I'm so proud of you." "It's all done now. You are safe. And I'm right here with you."

Helping an Angry Sibling

Do your best to keep calm. If she's angry, and you get angry too, then the two of you might end up in a big fight. If you act calm, this may help her calm down a little too.

Defuse her anger. Sometimes, saying the right thing can help an angry person calm down. You may be able to show your sibling that you care about her feelings, and that you're on her side. Here are some ways you might be able to make this clear to her: Validate her feelings: "I know this is unfair. I don't like it either." "This is a tough situation. Of course you're upset about it." Find something to agree on: "I agree that he wasn't very polite." "I definitely think it's wrong. I just feel like there's a better way to handle this." Apologize if you did something wrong: "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." "I'm sorry I broke your box. I was doing my best to be careful, but my best wasn't good enough." Show that you mean well: "I want to do my best to help." "I'm trying really hard. But this is difficult for me. Could you help me?"

Try clarifying what's going on. See if you can get the full story from your sibling. Many times, people who are angry feel misunderstood or unheard. So, you can help her feel less angry by showing that you care about her feelings, and you understand her situation. Once she feels that she's not alone with her problem, she may calm down a lot. Ask questions: "Then what happened?" "So what part of that is bothering you? I'm not sure I understand yet." Try summarizing her problem: "Let me see if I get this. Last month, you were disappointed that Mom planned a small birthday party for you, and now you feel left out because she's planning a bigger party for me. Is that right?" Find out what she wants: "So is there something I could do that would help with this?" "What is it that you need?"

Be willing to walk away. If she's really mad, or saying mean things, there may not be a way to have a constructive conversation right now. That's okay. You can say "I'm going to go" or "I want to be alone for a while" and leave the room. Her anger doesn't have to be your problem. If she won't let you be alone, go to an adult and say "I really need some alone time, but my sibling isn't letting me be. Can you help me?"

Helping a Disabled or Mentally Ill Sibling

Remember that you can't fix your sibling's problems. Your sibling may be facing additional challenges that make her life harder, and that's stressful. She's going to be upset sometimes, and you're not always going to be able to fix it.

Keep in mind that caring for your sibling is a job for the adults in the family, not the kids. Your parent(s) or guardian(s) are the ones who are supposed to help your sibling deal with her condition. You can help if you want, but you aren't responsible for her, and you do not have to help. If you don't want to help, or don't think you can, it's okay to just quietly go to your room and be by yourself for a while.

Avoid blaming her for her condition. Your sibling can't control what she has or doesn't have, and she may not always have total control over her behavior. Just like you didn't ask for a sibling with emotional challenges, she didn't ask for those challenges. Of course, that doesn't mean you should always forgive her right away. You're allowed to be upset with her if she treats you badly. Try talking to your family about how to handle it. Sometimes, she may need to apologize to you.

Try reading a bit about your sibling's emotional condition. Different calming techniques work for different conditions, and for different people. Knowing a bit more about what your sibling is facing may help you be better able to understand and handle her behavior. WikiHow has articles for loved ones of people with different disabilities. You can read about everything from Borderline Personality Disorder to autism to anxiety disorders. Sites like HelpGuide, NIMH, SAMHSA, MHA, and NAMI are great mental health resources to check out Stay away from unreliable sources, like anti-science websites or negative websites (like Autism Speaks). These might say mean or inaccurate things about people like your sibling. Remember that everyone is different, even if they have the same condition. For example, one autistic girl might find tight hugs to be comforting, while another might find them scary because she feels trapped.

Figure out what helps her. You aren't always going to know what to do when your sibling is having a hard time. You can learn from each time, and ask your sibling questions to help you understand better. After one of her episodes, think about what you saw. What helped her calm down? What didn't help? Did anything seem to make it worse? Try remembering for next time. During a calm time, ask her what she needs when she gets upset. For example, "How can I help you when you have a panic attack?" or "When you have a shutdown, do you want me to get Mom or stay with you?"