How to Become Less Shy (for Autistic People)

Identifying Your Fears

Make a list (if you're up for it). Write down a list of everything you can think of that is preventing you from socializing with other people. Try organizing your list into 3 categories: Confusing: Things that currently challenge or confuse you, such as "I'm not sure how to make a joke" Worries: Fears that cause you to avoid socializing or hold yourself back, such as "I'm afraid that I'll talk to much and people won't tell me and will just stop being friends with me" Excuses: Excuses or plans you make to avoid social interaction, such as "I do work during lunch so that people don't try to talk to me"

Look over your worries. If any of them sounded ridiculous to you when you were writing them, then you are already on your way to getting rid of them. Put a star next to any of the worries that sound exaggerated or unlikely to actually happen.

Go over your excuses. You may or may not have a lot of them. Think about which ones are currently important to your routine and which are habits you might be able to start breaking. What excuse could you skip this time? Pick the easiest excuse or two. See if you can try being brave once or twice this week and skipping the excuse.

Consider talking to a counselor if your shyness is overwhelming. Many people are a little shy. But if everyday social interactions are extremely stressful, if your shyness seriously limits your life activities, or if you think it's a real problem, then a counselor might be able to help you. Sometimes severe shyness can be part of social anxiety disorder, a treatable condition involving major nervousness around people and fear of being judged. While autism and social anxiety can look similar on the outside, they're different, and the right support can help reduce social anxiety.

Learning Skills

Learn the confusing things. If you don't know how to do something, ask someone. You may go to an autistic support teacher, a counselor, a family member, a close friend, or anyone else who is willing to be a mentor. Try practicing your new social skills at home or with people you trust. Books, movies, and shows aimed at families or kids can teach useful social skills while telling interesting stories.

Learn to listen well. When you make conversation, you don't need to talk the whole time—in fact, many people love it if you let them do the talking! Practice showing interest in what they're talking about, and asking questions to get them to talk more. Most people just want to be heard and have their feelings validated. This will make them walk away from the conversation feeling happy and thinking that they like talking to you. Validate their feelings. Paraphrase what they're saying from time to time. Ask questions to clarify if need be.

Study and practice assertive communication. Assertiveness skills are important for everyone to learn, and as an autistic person whose needs and boundaries may be different from adjectives, they're especially helpful to you. Basic assertiveness skills can improve your relationships by encouraging openness and honesty. Try the nonviolent communication style to interact with well-meaning people. State an observation, a need, and a possible solution. For example, "Your music is loud and I'm struggling to concentrate on my homework. Would you please put on headphones or turn it down?" Use "I" phrasing to communicate wants, needs, and feelings. For example, "I feel awkward and upset when you tease me about being disorganized." Start with being polite to others and assuming they mean well. Escalate to firm and very direct language if needed. Advocating for yourself is a really important skill to have, especially if you have autism.Did You Know? Basic assertiveness skills will work on most people and in most situations. But if someone is choosing to ignore you or hurt you, then being assertive may not be enough. Try reaching out to a mentor if you're being bullied, mistreated, or ignored when you speak up.

Work on open body language. Stand up straight, look at the speaker (eye contact is not needed), stim quietly as needed, and nod or say "Uh huh" and "Mmm hmm" to show you are listening. You can try practicing in front of a mirror or with a therapist or family member. Open body language helps show people that you're interested in talking to them. It's good to use during conversations or when you're looking for social interaction. You don't need to use open body language if you currently want to be left alone.

Pay attention to your meltdown and overstimulation cues. Learn to know when you're stressed so you can back out of situations when you need to. You don't want to push yourself too hard, and it's important to take good care of yourself.

Read books and websites about social skills. Neurotypicals have social trouble too, so there are plenty of books you can read. There are books to analyze people, become well-liked, and feel less afraid. There are even books written with autistic people in mind!

Go to the autistic community. Plenty of people on the spectrum have faced this same problem, and learned how to overcome or work around it.

Reducing Your Fears

Plan how to face a fear in the easiest way possible. Doing something that makes you nervous isn't always easy. Before you decide to be brave for a minute or two, make plans to help support yourself through the process. This can help you succeed and get more comfortable. Can you have a trusted person there to support you? Can you choose a time and place where you can be calmer? Do you have something you can look forward to afterwards?Tip: Taking these steps now doesn't mean that you'll need to rely on them forever. Some extra support can help you in the beginning. As you become more comfortable, you'll need to rely less and less on these things.

Use gradual exposure. Identify one general fear (e.g. "Fear of strangers") and make a hierarchy of things from least to most scary. Start with something at the bottom (least scary) and work your way up as you grow more comfortable. Here is an example for a fear of asking for help: Ask brother to reach high shelf Ask sister for help on math homework Ask dad for anything Ask to walk Mrs. Patel's dog Ask store attendant for help Ask stranger for directions

Pay close attention to what happens when you try a new worrisome thing. What is the worst thing that could realistically happen? Does that thing happen? How do people respond?

Imagine how you would react to a person who does the thing you are afraid of doing. Would you be mad at someone who stuttered, mixed up their words, flapped their hands, or awkwardly entered a conversation? How long would it take for you to get over it and move on? Most people do not care as much as you might imagine.

Try some anxiety-reduction techniques. You can use these as you try new social situations and tackle your list. These work for many anxious and autistic people. Try plenty of techniques and choose your favorites. Positive self-talk and affirmations Breathing Visualization Cost-benefit analysis Progressive muscle relaxation Self-hypnosis Engaging the senses

Give yourself plenty of downtime. You don't want to push yourself too hard or stress out. Spend plenty of time on your special interests, give yourself quiet time each day, allow yourself to be autistic, and get lots of sleep each night.

Hang out with people who help you feel relaxed. Maybe your brother is a great listener, your autistic friend is super sweet, or your mom is always there for you. Find people who make you happy and be with them.

Believe in yourself. If there's anything that will make or break your attempt to become more social, it's how determined you are. You have to want to become less shy in order to do it. You need to be able to shake off your mistakes and carry on. Always keep trying. In the end, you will be glad you did.