How to Avoid Being a Third Wheel

Spending Time with a Couple

Give a couple their space. One of the most common ways in which people accidentally make themselves feel like a third wheel is by trying to spend too much time with a couple. Couples need time to be on their own together, and if you give them that time they will likely be more inclusive when you do hang out with them. If you used to spend time a great deal of time with your friend, you should adjust your expectations when they begin a relationship. Your friend will usually appreciate your understanding and make sure to still make time for you.

Set up group gatherings. If you include more people, you will often avoid feeling like a third wheel because everyone will interact as a large group. This also helps the couple to behave how they want without having to worry about making you feel excluded. You can arrange group outings to movies, restaurants, concerts, bowling alleys, or wherever else you like to spend time. You can even invite a group over to your home and entertain them. Try to invite other single people to ensure that it is not just a group of couples and yourself.

Avoid referring to yourself as a third wheel. Sometimes people accidentally draw too much attention to the fact they are a single person spending time with a couple. This can make the couple feel awkward and make you feel bad about yourself. By keeping topics of conversation positive, you can help ensure that you three have fun together as a group. Beyond referring to yourself as a “third wheel,” you can also make a couple feel uncomfortable by saying things like, “I'm so jealous of what you have” or “No one will ever love me the way you two love each other.”

Be honest when you feel uncomfortable. If a couple is behaving in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable or not included, you should feel free to tell them in a respectful manner. For instance, if a couple is talking about a topic you don't know about, you can politely ask to steer the conversation in another direction. If a couple is being extremely affectionate in a way that makes you feel unwelcome, you can something like: “I'm sorry, but could you hold off on that until I leave?”

Talk to your friend's partner. You can help all three of you have a good time by creating a fun group dynamic. You can work towards that dynamic by making sure that you include your friend's partner. Avoid talking about things that only you and your friend will understand and take it easy on inside jokes. Just like you, your friend's partner doesn't want to feel left out! Including all three of you in conversations and activities can help keep you and your friend's partner from competing for attention.

Arrange double dates. If you start dating someone yourself, feel free to set up double dates! Double dates can be fun and help people from feeling left out. Even if you're not dating someone seriously, you can arrange a double date so that your friends can get to know the person. Spending time with a group on a date can also give you the chance to see how your date acts with other people.

Excuse yourself if necessary. If a couple starts to fight or really seems like they'd prefer to be alone, you should excuse yourself politely. You should not try to interfere in their argument and you shouldn't try to force yourself to have a good time if you're feeling very excluded. To excuse yourself politely, you can say something like: “I'm sorry, guys, I'm just feeling really tired and think I should go home. It was nice seeing you both though!”

Optimizing Time Alone with Your Friend

Schedule time to hang out with your friend by yourself. Your friend might be in a relationship, but that doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to spend time together alone anymore. You should definitely still make an effort to see your friend without their significant other. This can keep your friendship strong. When trying to set up times to see your friend alone, don't do so by being negative about their partner. Instead of saying “Don't bring Adam -- I don't want him around,” you can say, “How about we hang out just the two of us this time? I want a chance to catch up.”

Be persistent but not overbearing. Especially at the beginning of your friend's relationship, you may find that you're making more of an effort to spend time together than your friend is. You should be persistent about scheduling time together, but avoid being overbearing. Don't pester your friend or make them feel guilty for not making more of an effort to hang out. Don't expect your friend to spend all their time with you, even if they did before they got into a relationship.

Tell your friend if you're feeling left out or neglected. If you are having an especially hard time with feeling like a third wheel, you should tell your friend when you're alone together. If you try to have this conversation in front of your friend's partner, it could be seen as aggressive or offensive. If you raise these issues with your friend calmly and respectfully, you have a better chance of working out your problems than if you are rude or hostile. For instance, you can raise the issue by saying something like, “I feel like we don't hang out alone as much as we used to now that you're dating Sarah. I think it's great that you're in a relationship, but your friendship means a lot to me and I want to spend a bit more time together by ourselves.”

Keep up traditions and favorite shared activities. Many friends have routines, like getting drinks on Thursday night or watching a movie with each other over the weekend. Do your best to keep some of the traditions you and your friend have that are most important to you, and let your friend know how important those shared activities are to you. By keeping some of your traditions, you can make sure that the bond between you and your friend remains strong. Don't take it too personally, though, if you and your friend stop doing some of the things you used to do. Just make sure that you try to preserve the routines or traditions most important to you.

Finding New Ways to Fulfill Yourself

Branch out if your friendship is no longer fulfilling. Even if you and your friend are as close as possible, you are not defined by your friend or your friendship. If your friend's relationship becomes so intense that there isn't much time left for you, you need to realize that you are your own person and can find fulfilment in any number of ways outside of your friendship. If you're having a particularly hard time realizing this, make a list of your positive attributes and your goals. This will show you that you have an identity outside of your friendship. If you think of yourself as an active and valuable person, you can potentially increase your self-esteem, which will make you feel less like a third wheel in your friend's life. Be grateful for the time that you shared together. Understand that people come together for some time and then diverge. Enjoy the excitement of moving forward and making new friendships.

Explore new friend groups. When your good friend starts a relationship, it can be a perfect opportunity to become closer with other friends. You can try to spend more time with other people you're currently friends with, or you can explore entirely new friend groups. New friends can satisfy your need for social interaction when a good friend is preoccupied by a relationship. You can try to find new friend groups by starting a new social activity. For instance, you could join a kickball league, a political organization, or a book club. If you're still in school, there are a wide variety of clubs you can join on campus.

Devote more time to hobbies. Many people have hobbies they've always been meaning to pick up or spend more time on, such as playing an instrument, running, learning a language, gardening, writing, and painting. When your friend starts a relationship, it can be a perfect time to explore any activities you've wanted to try. These can help you to feel a sense of self-reliance and self-fulfilment. Hobbies and other activities can also be a great way to start enjoying time spent by yourself, if you're finding that you're alone more after your friend starts a relationship.

Look for a partner of your own. When your friend starts a relationship, it might be a good time for you to look for a partner of your own. You can even ask your friend and their partner to try to help you meet someone, if you think they wouldn't mind. With a partner of your own, you may never have to be a third wheel again! In addition to meeting people through activities, friend groups, or at school, many people now meet partners through dating websites and apps. Some popular online dating platforms include eHarmony, Bumble, Tinder, and Match.