Going No Contact with a Narcissist? 11 Potential Reactions

Ignoring the No-Contact Boundary

A manipulative person may refuse to accept no-contact boundaries. A controlling or entitled person might continue calling, texting, or finding you at home or work. If they were prone to denying the importance of your boundaries and space while you associated with them, this attitude is likely to continue even after you implement a no-contact boundary. If they ignore your no-contact rule and start reaching out to you again, consider blocking their number, their email, and their social media profiles. If you do block them, you don’t owe them an explanation. If you want to, however, you can send a note saying something like, “Since we’re going no-contact, I’m going to be blocking you. Please don’t try to find other ways to message me.” Reader Poll: We asked 272 wikiHow readers, and 65% agreed that the best way to end a toxic relationship is by blocking their number and social media accounts. [Take Poll] So even if the narcissist continues to contact you through no contact, stay strong: you're making the right decision!

Contacting Your Friends and Family

They may not respect the boundaries of people close to you either. If a controlling or abusive person can’t reach you, they may try getting in touch with your friends and family to find ways to keep you in their life. It’s common for people with controlling tendencies to get in touch with a mutual friend in order to get you to come back to them. Set boundaries with your friends or family if they try to get you to resume your relationship with this person. Tell them something like, “While I appreciate your concern, I want to be clear that I have no interest in discussing reopening that relationship. Please respect my decision.”

Getting Angry

People with fragile egos may be prone to anger when they get hurt. Narcissism often stems from a place of deep woundedness and fear. When a narcissistic person feels like they can’t exert their control over you, it’s possible that they’ll lash out in order to punish you. If they step over your no-contact boundary to verbally attack you, have a response prepared: If they say something like, “You’ve always been so selfish,” respond, “I understand what you’re saying, but I disagree with your assessment of me.” If they say, “You’ve caused me nothing but pain,” respond, “I think we have different views of the situation.” If they are verbally attacking you over the phone or in-person, hang up or exit the room as quickly and safely as you can.

Criticizing You to Others

They may try to make themselves feel better by tearing you down. If they had a tendency to say hurtful things about you even when you were with them and in the company of others, expect this behavior to continue when you’re not around. Try your best to remember that their spreading hurtful rumors and stories about you says more about them than you. For example, if this person is an ex, they might say something like: “She was always the most toxic girlfriend.” Or, if they’re a parent, they might tell their friends something like: “He’s always been an ungrateful son.” When someone is tearing you down to other people, you’re the target of bullying. Dealing with this kind of behavior is tough, but try to remain mature and not get pulled any deeper into their drama. In their mind, reacting gives them power over you.

Acting Like You Never Mattered

They may dismiss the importance of your relationship to protect their ego. After you cut them off, they might feel hurt or angry, but they may downplay the significance of your relationship to make it seem like not a big deal. They may view you as a second-class citizen, and therefore of no real importance. Try not to take these feelings to heart—you do have value, and they likely act this way because they’re threatened. For instance, if they’re your ex, they might tell other people, “We were never really together. It wasn’t that serious.” A narcissistic ex-friend might say something like, “I never really liked her anyways, so it’s no big deal.” Take being discarded as an opportunity to escape this toxic relationship. If they don’t want anything more to do with you, this is far better than if they keep trying to suck you into their life.

Seeking Out Other People for Attention

Self-absorbed people thrive off of other people’s admiration. If they can no longer get this from you, they might try seeking this from others. Narcissistic people tend to act as if the role of other people is to serve them—they need others to prop up their own egos. Depending on your relationship to this person, they might replace you with new dates, friends, or people who can act as surrogate children for them. Although it might feel strange watching other people get sucked into their orbit, it’s best not to get involved. Focus on living your own life independent of them.

Making You Feel Guilty

To an entitled or manipulative person, you’re at fault for all of your relationship’s issues. When you refuse to give a narcissistic person the attention they need, they’ll often shift the blame for the end of your previous relationship onto you. Since they can’t empathize with how they made you feel, they won’t accept responsibility for their actions. A narcissistic ex might tell you something like, “You never really cared about me.” A narcissistic parent could say something like, “I’ve done so much for you, and this is how you treat me?” Accept that you will likely end up the villain of their story. Working with a therapist to unpack any guilty feelings you might have and to improve your self-worth is the key to recovering from their mistreatment or abuse.

Overwhelming You with Affection

To win you back, they might try making you feel special. When they try to suck you back in by acting like everything is okay, this is a strategy called “hoovering.” They might love bomb you by telling you how important you are to them or how much they care about you. If you do give in, they’ll trap you back in the same cycle of abuse. When you’re no contact with them, remember that even this kind of behavior is a transgression of your boundaries. Remind them of this by saying something like, “Thank you for saying that, but I’d prefer to stick to our no-contact policy.”

Begging

A manipulative person will likely resort to many tactics to get you back. They might beg you to talk to them, or detail how much suffering your absence has caused them. This is another manipulation tactic. Remember that you went no-contact for a reason, and that they will likely continue their mistreatment of you if you return to them. Narcissistic people tend to care less about you than about how you can feed their need for admiration. When they beg you to come back to them, this is another time to remind them that you have a no-contact policy. Be direct, and say something like, “I wish you well, but I am not interested in resuming our previous relationship. Please stop reaching out to me.” They might try giving you gifts in order to win you back. If it’s possible, try returning these gifts to them and saying something simple like, “Thank you, but I don’t feel comfortable accepting this.” Otherwise, they might end up finding more fuel for their resentment.

Making up Emergencies

Manipulative people often use your kindness against you. They might tell you that they’re experiencing serious illness or pain or are in dangerous circumstances as a means to get your sympathy or attention. Think back on your relationship with them to see if they’re fabricating or playing up their situation—is this a trick they’ve pulled before? If the answer is yes, they may be trying to manipulate you. Ask yourself: is it a real emergency, where there is a danger to someone’s immediate safety? Or is this something that is only an emergency in their mind, and not something that you need to involve yourself in? If they break your no contact rule to tell you that they need you, and you’ve determined that this isn’t something you need to get involved in, it’s okay to not respond. If you do think that they need a response, direct them to other resources by saying something like, “I understand that you’re stressed about your health. I know that there are several good doctors in the area, and I’d encourage you to schedule an appointment soon as you can.”

Stalking

Stalking is an extreme reaction. If this person has a habit of disrespecting your boundaries, it’s possible that they will find ways to make you feel unsafe at your home or place of work. If they are stalking you, document any evidence, just in case—your safety is important, and you may need to seek legal help. If they stalk you or otherwise repeatedly ignore your attempts to end your contact, consider filing for a restraining order. By getting the court involved, you can use legal action to ensure your own safety.