Are We Dating the Same Guy? Benefits & Pitfalls of These Facebook Groups

• Are We Dating the Same Guy Facebook groups are used by women to vet men they’re dating.
• Many people feel these groups protect women from dating violence, and some women have reported that they helped them avoid potentially dangerous situations.
• However, some argue that these groups are used in unethical ways that violate privacy and damage the reputations of the men who are posted.

Are We Dating the Same Guy: How it Works

Women use Are We Dating the Same Guy groups to vet potential partners. In these private Facebook groups, women can post pictures of men they’re dating with their last name omitted to see if the men have lied to or cheated on other women in their community. Other women can comment on these posts and share any negative experiences they've had dating the same men. These groups are also used as a way for women to warn other women about men who have committed sexual violence, stalking, harassment, and other dangerous red flags. The original group was founded in New York in 2022, but now there are over 150 groups spread across tons of cities. The current New York group has over 120,000 members. Many of these groups screen their members before they join, and most of them only accept users who present as female.

Many of these groups were created to protect women from dating violence. The founders of these groups created them with the goal to promote women’s safety, especially on dating apps and sites. On dating platforms, women are more likely to be sent sexually explicit messages they didn’t ask for, called an offensive name, and threatened with violence than men. In one survey, 19% of women aged 18-34 reported that someone on a dating site or app had threatened to physically harm them—roughly twice the rate of men aged 18-34. About 41% of women (versus 26% of men) have also reported experiencing sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner.

Some women have avoided bad situations with the help of these groups. Some women have said they benefit from these groups because other women have steered them from dating men who have been accused of cheating or abuse. Others join the group specifically to warn other women about the men who have harmed them so they don’t get lured in. Some women have reported that men have doxxed them (published their identifying information online) and/or threatened them for posting pictures of them in the group.

Potential Downsides of These Groups

Some argue that these groups are unethical and harmful to the men posted on them. While some posts accuse men of domestic violence or sexual assault, others call them out for more minor offenses, like acting rude or being annoying on a date. Some argue that these posts can tarnish men’s reputations, especially if the criticisms are subjective or aren’t true. There’s also no way to verify if the accusations posted on these groups are true. And because most of these groups are restricted to just women, most men can’t defend themselves or each other. In retaliation, some men have created their own Facebook groups called Are We Dating the Same Girl?

In some cases, these groups might violate the posted men’s privacy. Most of the men who are posted on these groups are posted without their consent and are vulnerable to harsh criticism and judgment. Some women post screenshots of text conversations or private pictures to the group, which can feel violating, especially if other women criticize them. Many of these groups have rules against spreading false information or judging men based on their photos. However, it can be difficult to enforce these rules, especially in groups that have thousands of members.

There Could Be Legal Ramifications, Too

A man could take legal action if he feels he has been defamed in a post. Posting private conversations or screenshots isn’t illegal in most countries or states. However, men can sue women for defamation, leading to cases that can last years and can cost both people a lot of money and energy. In fact, there have already been lawsuits related to these groups, like one case where a man is suing the administrators of a London-based Are We Dating the Same Guy group for defamation. Defamation is any statement that can damage another person’s reputation. This area of law can be very subjective, especially when it comes to the internet. Posting pictures online without the other person’s consent is only illegal if they’re explicit. Some states may have stricter laws about internet privacy and posting without consent. Check with your local state’s laws before you take action.

Are We Dating the Same Guy: Helpful or Harmful?

These groups may help keep women safe, but they can also be misused. Internet anonymity means that people can comment whatever they’d like, even if they don’t have evidence to back it up. Even if claims against men are true, there’s also no way for other women to fact-check them. Still, many women feel these groups are a welcome change to the dating scene and that they help keep women safe. Whether these groups are more helpful than harmful, or vice versa, is still up for debate and likely won't be resolved anytime soon.