- Ask your partner relationship-based questions like: What does sex mean to you? What’s your sexual history? What do you need from a sexual partner?
- Ask your partner pleasure-based questions like: What are your biggest turn-ons and turn-offs? Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try?
- Ask your questions when you’re not aroused or about to have sex, in order to have the most logical and level-headed conversation without feelings getting in the way.
Questions for a Healthier Sexual Relationship
How important is sex to your romantic relationships? Let’s make one thing clear right off the bat: sexual performance isn’t equivalent to how much someone loves another person. That said, sex is a vital aspect of a romantic relationship for many people, and may be an essential part of how you and your partner express affection. On the other hand, sex is secondary or even unimportant for many other people. Understanding the role sex plays in your partner’s expressions of love is vital to understanding how large a role sex should play in your relationship. Also, make it clear to your partner what role sex plays in your own romantic expressions. That way, if you prefer other signs of affection, they won’t take a lack of sex as a slight or sign of dissatisfaction. Is sex important for an emotional connection? Do you feel closer to me by having sex? Are there other ways to meet your emotional and physical needs besides sex?
How often do you like to have sex? Early on in a relationship, sex is often opportunistic, slotted in here and there when you get the chance. Once things get more serious or you start to live together, though, you might notice a misalignment in your libidos; one partner may want sex much more often than the other. Ask your partner how often (and even for how long) they like to have sex. How many times a week? And how long can they go without it? You might also ask them if there are any activities they turn to in place of sex, like masturbation or viewing pornography. These can be healthy outlets for sexual urges when one partner has a higher libido than the other. Do we need a notice if we plan to have sex? How far in advance do you want to know? Or do you prefer to keep things spontaneous?
Is there anything off-limits, or anything that makes you uncomfortable? We’re not talking turn-offs; we mean full-stop, off-limits areas. Many people, if not most or all, have sexual topics or practices that make them uncomfortable. They may even have negative or traumatizing experiences that influence their sex lives. Knowing what makes your partner uncomfortable and where their boundaries lie is key to having consensual, healthy sex. Set your own boundaries in bed, too, if there’s anything off limits for you. A loving, healthy partner is one who respects your boundaries and communicates theirs. How should I handle it if we ever find something new that you’re uncomfortable with?
What’s your sexual history, and how do you feel about mine? You don’t need to disclose that history if neither of you feel it’s important (or even just if it makes you uncomfortable), but exploring both your pasts can be a productive way to get to know each other. That way, you’re both on the same page about your experiences and what you’re comfortable with. It might even give you some ideas about what to try next, if you or your partner want to share one of those experiences. While you and your partner may have different lifestyles or personal beliefs, a good partner will always respect your past experiences. If your partner is demeaning or negative about your sexual history, you may need to address that red flag. Is there something a previous partner did that you liked? Or that you didn’t like? How is your relationship with your previous partners? Is there a chance that I’ll meet any of them?
Do you prefer a monogamous relationship? Monogamy, or having only one partner at a time, is more or less the default in modern relationships. But many people feel that one single partner can’t satisfy all their sexual or emotional needs, and that’s not a negative or unnatural feeling! But it’s definitely something to talk about early on in the relationship, so that later, if one of you decides you want to explore polyamory, it doesn’t take the other by surprise. Would you ever be open to (or want) sexual partners outside the relationship? What about having other romantic partners that aren’t limited to just sex? You don’t need to want these things yourself, but it’s in your best interest to explore your partner’s own wants and needs.
Have you ever been tested for STDs? Sexually transmitted diseases are an unfortunate reality of sex, and if you or your partner have ever had sex (even protected sex) with other people, it’s important to have a conversation about them. One or both of you may have a disease you don’t even know about if you’ve never been tested. Be frank, but understanding. Say, “Have you ever been tested for STDs?” or, “Would you like to get tested for STDs with me?” Getting tested for STDs together can be a powerful and even casual bonding activity. Consider taking at-home tests or visiting a clinic together in order to support each other. If you or your partner have an STD, it’s not the end of the world! Many are totally treatable, and many more can be lived with while still enjoying sex. Talk to a sexual health doctor to learn more if you or your partner have an STD. Are you comfortable getting medicated against STDs?
How do you think having kids might affect our sex life? There’s a world of difference between sex before having kids and sex afterward, and your partner’s attitudes on the matter might reflect that. For example, they might feel that sex becomes much less important after having kids, or even that the “point” of sex is to have those kids, which could come as surprise to you if you don’t talk about it now. It can also be helpful to make a plan for sex after having kids. Will you hire sitters to give you some privacy? Rent a hotel room now and then? Thinking about the future is the best way to anticipate your future needs!
What do you define as cheating? Too many couples take it for granted that their partner has a defined concept of “cheating,” and research shows that up to 70% of people haven’t defined cheating with their partner. But what crosses a line for you might just be another fact of life for your partner. Everyone has different ideas about sex (and even what sex is), so clarifying that point with your partner now can save you heartache down the line. Does watching pornography count as cheating? Using dating apps to meet new friends? Subscribing to an OnlyFans or other mature video site? Dancing with or even kissing another person?
How did you learn about sex, and what do you want to know? Not everyone gets the most in-depth sexual education, and resources for sex education tend to get sticky after our younger years. Knowing what sort of sex ed (if any) your partner has helps to gauge their knowledge on things like anatomy, STDs, and pleasure in general, which in turn helps you better understand their own experiences and meet them where they’re at in bed. Ask your partner if there’s anything they want to know more about regarding sex, and offer to educate them, or be educated together. Sites like Sexual Health Alliance offer valuable resources for more mature sexual education. On the flip side, you might feel that you could learn a thing or two, and asking your partner about what you want to know can provide a fun (and flirty) opportunity to get informed.
What’s your opinion on contraception? Contraception is common among couples who don’t want to get pregnant, or who want to practice safe sex, but your partner may have religious or other personal opinions that are good to know about before making a big commitment. If your partner is a woman, is she comfortable taking contraceptive pills? Would one or both of you be interested in IUDs or other more permanent solutions? Or do you prefer more temporary means? And, not to be overlooked: do you know how to use a condom? You or your partner may prefer to forego contraception and opt for natural family planning. In some circumstances, you and your partner may fundamentally disagree on the use of contraception, which is a good thing to learn now, rather than years down the line, if you decide you don’t want more children, for example.
Questions for Better Sex
What’s your biggest turn-on? Generally, men are easier to get going than women, whose arousal may be more gradual. But everyone’s body is different, and learning to navigate your partner’s arousal is key to a satisfying sex life. Ask them if there’s anything that really revs their engine, or if there’s anything they want you to do in bed to help them have a good time. It could be anything from roleplaying to wearing certain clothing to different sexual positions. If you know what generally turns your partner on, you’re also able to riff and experiment more in bed, trying new, related things (with your partner’s consent) to really spice up your sex life. Is there anywhere you particularly enjoy being touched? What about me specifically, or what I do, turns you on?
What kind of foreplay do you prefer? For many people, foreplay is essential in reaching a point where sex is pleasurable, and it’s getting to that point that can pose problems. Ask your partner if they want or need foreplay before sex, and if so, what kind? Do they need a particular kind of touch to get aroused? Is there a setting or atmosphere that’d make them most comfortable? Are there any physical or verbal signs that they might be ready to move on from foreplay? Needing a little foreplay before other sexual acts is totally normal and natural, and experimenting and exploring foreplay with your partner can enhance your own sexual experience, as well. Do you like cuddling? Do you prefer to listen to music when being intimate? Are you most comfortable in a certain environment? Do you like sexy talk or verbal foreplay?
What’s your biggest turn-off? In bed, what you don’t like is every bit as important as what you do. You and your partner might be cruising along, only for them to unexpectedly hit the brakes. It’s not the end of the world, but might have been avoided if you only knew that doing this or that was a one-way ticket to a sexual dead end. Ask your partner if there’s anything that just doesn’t work in bed, and let them know about your own turn-offs, too. Don’t stop there! Also asking why they don’t like something helps you to understand what about it gives them the ick, and clues you in to what other, related activities are probably off the table.
Do you like to take charge, or follow the lead? What role you take in bed can have a huge impact on your experience. One partner might be bored if they’re constantly following the other’s lead. On the other hand, your partner might want to explore being more dominant, but is too timid to say so. Asking questions about roles opens up that conversation and may lead to more pleasure for both of you. Or, you and your partner might prefer a more off-the-cuff, improvised approach, but that too is a preference that’s helpful to communicate.
Is there anything you want to try in bed? It sounds like a no-brainer question, but it’s one that too many couples overlook altogether. They might be ashamed to stray from the “vanilla,” or just too stuck in routine to even think of other possibilities. Posing the question, though, opens the door, and you might be (pleasantly) surprised at what your partner may want to try given a safe and understanding environment. Are there any positions you want to try? Do you want to try any kinks or roleplay? Always remember to get your partner’s clear, verbal consent before trying anything new with them. Say, “I want to do this, is that okay?” Neither you nor your partner should feel pressured to try things they aren't comfortable with. Reader Poll: We asked 306 wikiHow readers and 62% agreed that making sure both partners are comfortable is the most important part of role-playing and other fantasies. [Take Poll]
How do you feel about sex toys? Sex toys are a time-honored door to new or heightened sexual sensations. Not only that, but some people require sex toys in order to even reach orgasm. But stigma or bashfulness may be stopping you or your partner from that experience, so now’s the time to talk about it! Ask your partner if they’d be open to introducing some new tools to the bedroom, be it a vibrator, dildo, or anything else.
What’s the most reliable way to satisfy you? Sex is a give-and-take, but often, giving is half the fun. A good partner knows when to prioritize the other person’s sexual needs. But asking your partner if they have any fool-proof paths to satisfaction isn’t just about turn-ons, either. Sometimes, you need a fallback plan when Plan A doesn’t pan out in the bedroom. Knowing what’s guaranteed to make your partner feel good puts a powerful tool in your belt when it comes to caring for their needs. What should we do if you don’t feel satisfied? Are you comfortable taking care of yourself if that happens?
How to Talk about Sex
Ask your questions when you’re not aroused. It may sound silly, but these sorts of questions are serious, even when they have to do with sexual pleasure, and many of them are best posed with a level head, and asking your questions immediately before or after sex may cloud your own judgment. Instead, choose a more casual moment, like washing dishes after dinner or while doing other chores, to pose your questions.
Let them know that you’re open and understanding. Before you ask any questions, tell your partner that you just want to understand them better, and that you want to deepen your relationship with them. Say, “I’ve been thinking about our sex life, and I want to explore it a bit more. Can I ask you some questions?” You might also say, “I love you, and so I want to know more about how you like to be loved.” Let them know that you’re listening by giving them your full attention. Also, know that listening and understanding doesn’t mean agreeing or approving. If your partner says or does something that makes you uncomfortable, say, “I respect your perspective, but I personally don’t see it that way…”
Center your questions on your partner’s satisfaction. When you ask your questions, phrase them so that they focus on what would make your partner feel good, and what would make them comfortable. Saying, “Tell me more about why you like that,” is much more approachable than, “I don’t understand why you like that,” which may make them defensive and shut down the conversation. Also, be sure to ask exploratory follow-up questions, like why and how. Even a simple, “Say more about that” can help spark valuable insights and discussion.
Be honest and open about your own needs. It takes two to tango, so don’t forget to communicate your own perspective, needs, and desires! Plus, it’s only fair to follow up your partner’s answers with answers of your own, and to let them ask questions in return. That sort of open and honest communication only serves to strengthen your relationship. When it comes time to talk about your own desires, use “I” statements that focus on your wants, rather than your partner’s performance. For example, say, “I love it when you…” or, “I didn’t love it when you…” rather than, “You didn’t satisfy me when…” which can feel more accusatory.
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