Relationship byte: Is flirting infidelity?

Even if you are in a steady relationship, you may have flirted at one time or the other.

Flirting, when done within limits, may sometimes be a feel-gooder. But it pays to remember that when flirtation becomes a habit that's difficult to break, it may step into a dark alley called infidelity.

Clinical Psychologist Varkha Chulani says, "I don't believe that flirting with another person when you're in a relationship is a good thing because you may not know what you've set yourself up for. If you're not aware of the repercussions, you can easily cross the line."

Flirting can be enjoyable, and that is why you may not be able to step off the carousel on time. As a result, you allow what started off as harmless flirtation to spiral out of control and become a torrid affair.

Menka Rastogi (name changed), a Marketing Executive says, "Even though flirting begins as a harmless, light-hearted and innocent act, you could venture into an illicit affair.

The worst offence in a relationship, according to me, is to flirt on purpose-in order to make your partner jealous or because you want to "show" your partner a thing or two out of pique. It's unfair and can create misunderstandings that can ruin your relationship forever."

Have you crossed the line?

This depends entirely on your mutually agreed upon definition of fidelity-what does it mean to you individually and as a couple?

When there is a mismatch between your individual and mutual expectations of fidelity, there are chances that your flirtation could cross the line.

Varkha Chulani says, "Both partners need to have a mutually agreed upon description of what is acceptable and what's not in a relationship."

When Sara found out that her husband Mihir had a "close" female friend that he made online, she confronted him, obviously shocked and hurt.

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But Mihir looked surprised and said that he wasn't cheating on her. She was just someone he met online-a friend; and that he would probably never meet Gina anywhere except in cyberspace.

He argued that making friends of the opposite sex didn't constitute infidelity but it didn't seem right to Sara. She wouldn't do it, so that was applicable to him as well.

"When boundaries are not established in the beginning of a marriage, or when they break down, marriages break down as well" say Doctors Henry Cloud and John Townsend (counsellors and co-authors of the award winning bestseller Boundaries in Marriage).

Telltale signs

Varkha Chulani says, "One sign is when the repercussions will cease to bother you anymore."

You'll know that you're beginning to get entrenched and are entering forbidden territory when you notice the following changes in yourself:

• You're getting very emotionally attached
It's always a good feeling when that good-looking new colleague drops you an appreciative e-mail. It can make you feel slightly heady, but if you keep re-reading the e-mail every two minutes and each time it makes your heart capsize, it could mean trouble. You've good reason to believe that you're not exactly temptation-proof if you feel unusually irritated that he's not responding to your e-mails.
• You're covering your tracks
Divya Rao, homemaker says, "Would you be comfortable telling your partner what you're doing? If it's a 'no' it's probably because you know that he wouldn't approve or will be hurt. That should tell you that you may be crossing the line."
• You're overstepping your boundaries
What is acceptable and what's not varies according to your agreement with your partner-once your step over the boundaries, you know something's wrong. For example, you have both agreed that sending flirtatious SMSs or e-mails to a person of the opposite sex constitutes infidelity, but you do it anyway.
• You show the signs

Varkha Chulani says, "Sometimes (but not always) a person who is transgressing withdraws and becomes uncommunicative with their partner."

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Stop the temptation

• Put yourself in your partner's place
How would you like it if the tables were turned? No? Then maybe it's time to for you to stop as well...
• Recharge your life
You may be flirting because some part of your life lacks lustre. Do some introspection, find out what's lacking, and discover other ways to bridge the gap and feel good about yourself.
• Put on the blinkers
If the temptation's mild, it's likely that you won't have a problem focusing your attention on other things. Brush away flirtatious memories and you will be able to physically distance yourself from temptation, and need we say it, the subject of your flirtation. However, if the problem has gone beyond mild flirtation, you may want to try forcing an ending. Instead of batting your eyelashes provocatively in response to his double entendres, try ignoring them. Just don't play the game-he'll get the message. You may experience mild depression-emotional withdrawal symptoms-but you will eventually settle down.
• Reassess your relationship

When you're vulnerable to temptation, it may mean that something's happening in your love life that's not good. You may have got something from flirting that you didn't get from your partner.

Maybe something as important as support or small as gestures of appreciation and romance. If this is the case, start the process of bringing back what is missing.

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Talk to your partner and negotiate. Take the initiative to fit that "missing" piece in your relationship. You'll be surprised at how effectively a short romantic getaway can immediately put things back in perspective.

But if all this fails-and your relationship feels like it's on a perennially choppy ocean-your susceptibility to temptation may signal a red flag.

It could be a sign that your relationship with your partner lacks something so important that you are subconsciously ready to let go of him/her. Analyse your relationship for the trouble areas-fights, disillusionment, infidelity (on your or your partners' side). If these seem irreconcilable, you might want to accept it and move on.

(With inputs from Varkha Chulani -- M.A. in Psychology and Associate Fellow & Supervisor The Albert Ellis Institute, New York City, U.S.A., Menka Rastogi, and Divya Rao)

Excerpts from: Boundaries in Marriage. By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.