- Monkey barring is when someone lines up their next partner and relationship before moving on from their current one.
- Monkey-barring people might have a history of relationships with little downtime in between. They might've also been unfaithful in the past.
- Monkey barring can cause a lot of hurt. A lot of times, betrayed partners develop trust issues and monkey-barring partners fail to learn independence.
What is monkey barring?
Monkey barring is when someone lines up a new relationship before ending their current one. The idea is that this person doesn’t want to spend time alone, and they’ll do anything to avoid it. So where the average person might break up with a partner when they know it’s not working out, someone monkey-barring will go through the motions in their relationship while putting out feelers with others. Only when they feel confident that they’ve lined up another relationship will they finally end things with their current partner. No surprise, this is considered a pretty unkind thing to do. It's seen as inconsiderate and dishonest, and flirting in a relationship might even be seen as cheating. In some cases, monkey barring might also lead to clear-cut cheating: while lining up a new relationship, this person might get physically intimate with their next partner.
Signs
Chronic cheaters and serial daters might be monkey bar-ers. Are you worried that your current partner is looking for a way out? Don’t stress just yet, especially if you’re prone to undue suspicion or anxiety in relationships. Take a look at this list of signs, talk to friends to get their take, then, if you're still worried, consider starting a conversation with your partner. Serial daters who leave little time between partners are more likely to be monkey bar-ers, as they might fear being alone. If your partner has a history of cheating, then it could signal that they have a bad habit of disrespecting relationship boundaries (which might mean they'll monkey bar, too). If your partner is acting distant or odd, that could be another sign that something’s shifted in the relationship, and they might not feel as invested. If your partner is being secretive, that's another sign. You might ask who they're texting, and they'll change the subject instead of telling you.
Problems with Monkey Barring
It’s disrespectful to the person’s current partner. In relationships, feelings sometimes fade. There’s nothing wrong with moving on from a romantic partner, but when a person strings partners along for their own benefit, that’s a problem. Monkey bar partners can give their partners real issues that stay with them throughout their life. Like: Trust issues. They may go throw life worrying that their partners are just going through the motions, because that’s what the monkey-barring partner did. Infidelity issues. Sometimes, being cheated on makes someone more likely to cheat on future partners—almost like they need to beat them to the punch. And there are more. In general, when someone invests their love in someone who takes advantage of it, it can lead to issues down the line. So it might seem innocent enough, but monkey barring can seriously hurt people!
Monkey barring can halt a person’s emotional growth. Monkey barring can also hurt the person who jumps from relationship to relationship. Being in a romantic partnership can teach you a ton…but so can being alone. Never mind the fact that monkey barring often indicates a deeper issue, but it also means that this person is missing the chance to develop and flourish on their own. Our advice for monkey-barring folks? Fight the urge to find another love. Take some time alone instead!
How to Avoid Monkey Barring
With hard work and self-reflection, you can stop jumping from romance to romance. Usually, monkey barring is a result of insecurity, or a fear of being alone. It might be terrifying to imagine breaking up with someone, and then being left by yourself; so you plan accordingly. The more effort you put into recognizing your patterns, confronting your fears, and learning to love solo time, the more likely you'll be to quit this bad habit. Journal through your thoughts. This can help you untangle your inner dialogue. When you feel the urge to jump into romance, think through the thoughts that lead to and from the feeling. You might find, for instance, that when you deal with negative emotions, that’s when you suddenly crave a romantic partnership. This is helpful intel! Try to be good company to yourself. When you're in a relationship, you take care of your partner. When you're alone, you have all the time in the world to take care of yourself. Focus on positivity, self-care, and skill building. Speak to a therapist if you’re really struggling. Some people might find that even when they’re doing their best, being alone just feels too hard. In this case, it might make more sense to speak to a professional and talk through what's going on. Therapists can be a huge help!
Other Meanings of "Monkey Barring"
Monkey barring can refer to when a hamster climbs its cage. Hamsters are silly, quirky creatures! If you've ever caught your little guy racing up the side of his cage with the energy of an Olympic hopeful, you might be wondering why he's got a need for speed. The answers are pretty simple: Your hamster might not love their cage. More than likely, your hamster needs more space. Or otherwise, they might need more enrichment toys in their environment. Consider improving your hamster's dwelling, then see if the climbing stops. Your hamster has an evolutionary drive to move. Hamsters are prey animals, and in nature, they'd move incessantly to avoid predators. It's like they have a little voice in their head constantly telling them to work, move, and climb the day away. If this is your hamster's reason for monkey barring, the answer, again, is adding more enrichment items.
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