Coming to Terms With a Death
Give yourself a chance to let it out. Grieving is an unpleasant but important part of getting past the thoughts of someone you've lost. In fact, most counselors stress the importance of healthy grieving, which allows you to "free up" difficult emotions and feelings you have invested in this person. Give yourself time to think, to pine, and, if necessary, to cry. This is a normal reaction to losing someone. Be prepared to not be feeling your best for a while. You may want to avoid difficult social or career commitments for a short time. There's no set deadline for getting over someone you cared about. As a general rule, the longer you knew someone and the closer you were to this person, the more time you'll need to spend grieving. However, you shouldn't put any arbitrary expectations on yourself. Take as long as you need to mourn; no more, no less. You'll know you're ready to start moving on the first time you forget to be unhappy.
Talk to people close to you about this person. You do not have to go through a difficult loss alone. Trusted friends and members of your family will usually be more than willing to talk to you about the way you feel. If you're comfortable with the idea, try sitting down with these people and mentioning that you've been having painful thoughts about the person you lost lately. This conversation is easier for some people to have than others, but if you can manage to talk about such a sensitive topic, you may find it to be a huge relief. Don't be afraid to talk to a professional if you don't want to talk to your friends and family or you think you need more help. Therapists and counselors aren't just for "clinical" mental health issues; they're great for when ordinary, healthy people are suffering too. In fact, in 2004, over a quarter of American adults had gotten some sort of mental health treatment within the past two years.
Express your thoughts in writing. Can't seem to say exactly why you're thinking about someone so much? Try writing. Keeping a journal is a common tactic used by counselors and therapists to unpack the complicated emotions that come with losing someone. The open-ended structure of journal writing allows you to let your inner thoughts run on to the paper. Not only does it feel good to let it all out onto the page; it can also be enlightening. You may find that your writing surprises you and clues you in to deep-seated feelings. You don't just have to keep a journal; writing poems, stories, and song lyrics can be helpful as well. Any sort of writing that helps you understand why you feel the way you do is fair game.
Remind yourself that you want to eventually feel happy. This may seem like cheesy, obvious advice, but it's all too easy to forget about your own happiness when you're pining for someone who's no longer with you. Reflect on the fact that, no matter what has happened, it's important for you to be happy. As you work to get over your difficult thoughts, remember your goal and spend time with people and things you like to keep your spirits high. Can't focus on the goal of making yourself happy right now? Fake it. Research suggests that token gestures like holding your mouth in a smile can help lift your spirits when you're feeling bad.
Keep active, but don't use activities to hide from unpleasant thoughts. Staying busy can be a helpful strategy when it comes to getting over thoughts of loss. Time spent working, pursuing your hobbies, and improving yourself can help keep you from dwelling on lingering regrets about this person. Physical exercise is particularly useful; there's good evidence that it can fight clinical depression. However, staying busy becomes a problem if it becomes a way to avoid thoughts about this person, rather than accepting them and moving on. Keeping yourself in a constant whirlwind of activity may make it hard to think about the person who's been bothering you, but it will also leave you worn out and emotionally depleted. You may even feel worse than before if you never give yourself a chance to express your feelings.
Don't play the "what if" game. Many people are consumed with torturous "what if" thoughts after they lose someone important. These are thoughts like "What if I had acted in a different way towards this person?" and "What if I had known the right things to say at the right time?"; painful regrets and hypotheticals. It can be very difficult to avoid these thoughts, but it's important to try your best. Wondering "what if" again and again can only make you feel worse. On top of this, it's pointless. There's no way to change the past, so try to concentrate on the present and the future. "What if" questions tend to overestimate your own role in causing the situation that led to the loss. Most losses are out of your control. There's usually very little that you could have done to change things. Sympathetic friends and family should be happy to remind you of this.
Moving On From Romantic Feelings
Realize that your feelings will change eventually. When you find yourself completely overwhelmed with thoughts of another person, it may seem like things will never improve. You may assume that you'll feel this way forever. You won't. Everyone's feelings change over time. It's a natural part of being human. This doesn't mean that you'll forget about people who were once important to you; it just means that people you once had a hard time not thinking about will gradually become less important to you unless you go out of your way to keep them in your thoughts. Don't believe that you'll ever stop thinking about someone? Try thinking back to a crush you had when you were very young; in grade school or preschool. Ask yourself honestly: are you still consumed with thoughts for this person? Unless your circumstances are very unique, you probably remember this person fondly, but faintly at best.
Respect the other person's desire for distance. Giving someone "distance" after a romantic split is very important — especially if what led to the split in the first place was overly-possessive behavior on either person's part. This doesn't mean that you need to immediately walk out of the room when you see this person coming, but it does mean that you shouldn't seek out interactions with him or her. If you notice this person is in the same place as you, you may greet him or her with a pleasant "Hi, how are you?" Then, move on to talk to someone else. Don't be cold — just eliminate the possibility of awkward conversation. When you do have to talk to this person (which may be a semi-common occurrence if you work or go to school together), keep your conversation brief, polite, and functional. Don't try to small talk or start a more in-depth conversation.
Remove "reminders" from your life for now. Getting over a bad breakup or rejection doesn't mean you have to pretend the other person doesn't exist. However, in the short term, it's nice not to have to be confronted with this painful event constantly. For at least a month or so after your romantic loss, try to stay away from obvious reminders of this person. Eventually, you can phase them back in and treat them the same way you'd treat any old mementos, but right now they may just bring up negative emotions. See below: Get rid of any pictures of this person in your living space. Throw out (or at least box up and store) any of this person's possessions that you have. Seriously consider un-following or un-friending this person on social media for the time being.
Plan new experiences for yourself. If you had a history with the person you can't stop thinking about, seeing the same old people, places, and things can remind you of the time you spent together. This is a great time to try new things and visit new places. You won't be abandoning the people you already know. When you feel back to normal, you'll have stories to tell. Below are just a few ideas for things you may want to do to breathe some "fresh air" into your life: Pick up a new hobby. For instance, if you don't know how to play a musical instrument, buy a cheap used one and start learning. You may find a new passion! Go on an adventure. Take a road trip with a few friends. Go backpacking in a different country, staying at budget hostels. Go on a camping expedition. You'll have plenty of time to relax and enjoy yourself while processing your feelings about this person. Expose yourself to new ideas. Thought-provoking art, music, and movies are all great, but even something as simple as a good book can help you make sense of your thoughts.
Work on improving yourself. As you're dealing with thoughts of another person, taking the time to focus on yourself can be a refreshing change of pace. On top of this, it'll leave you in a better position than you were when you started, making it easier to get back to your former level of happiness; and then some. Below are just a few self-improvement ideas: Seek out new career or school opportunities. A challenging new class or work assignment push your abilities but leave you stronger and smarter in the long run. It can also improve your long-term job trajectory. Learn new skills. These can make you a more self-sufficient person and even boost your career. For example, you might try learning a coding language using of the many free online tutorials, or perhaps try a MOOC and learn something you've always wanted to know but haven't ever tried before. Train yourself physically. The benefits of exercise shouldn't be understated. As noted above, it can noticeably improve your mood. In addition to this, in the long term, it can improve your health and make you more attractive on the surface; both helpful for boosting your self esteem when you're haunted by another person.
Turn your thoughts to the future. Eventually, as you come to terms with your thoughts about this person and you start to feel their grip on you loosen, you should try to start thinking ahead. This doesn't necessarily mean that you have to stop thinking about the person entirely, but it does mean that you should start thinking as if you've gotten over this person. Basically, try to spend more time worrying about your current responsibilities and your upcoming plans than about whatever has already happened with this person. This should happen naturally over time.
Start thinking about other people. If you were thinking about this person for romantic reasons, allow your thoughts to gradually turn to other people you're attracted to. If this was a friend or family member you lost, let your thoughts turn to the other important people in your life. This can be much easier said than done. If you shared a strong connection with the person who's been in your thoughts, it can sometimes feel like you're betraying this person by thinking of others. You're not. What you are doing is getting on with your life; something you never need to be ashamed of. Remember that there is no minimum period that you need to have someone in your thoughts before you can start thinking of other people. Everyone gets over personal losses at different speeds, but moving on quickly is generally something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of intentionally focusing on your own emotions so that you can come to accept them. It's a meditative, introspective way of simply being aware of yourself. The path to feeling normal again may be a long, winding one. You may experience difficult, confusing emotions. Mindfulness helps you come to term with these emotions, rather than suppress them and continue to hurt. Only by acknowledging and accepting that you feel a certain way can you begin to not feel that way. See our article on Buddhist mindfulness techniques for more help.
Be patient. Getting over someone who you can't stop thinking about can be a long process. You may fall off the wagon and start thinking about this person again. You may even do it more than once. In the words of Winston Churchill: "If you're going through hell, keep going." Getting through mental rough patches takes time, but it's well worth it. When you're done, you'll be glad you took the time and effort to recover at your own pace. This isn't just feel-good encouragement. Psychologists and philosophers have observed that, over time, people's moods tend to level out around a baseline level of happiness. In other words, even after a terrible misfortune (like getting in a car accident) or a fantastic stroke of good luck (like winning the lottery) people usually feel "normal" again fairly quickly. This idea is called the Hedonic Treadmill. If you're torn up by thoughts of someone else, odds are that, over time, you will drift back towards "normal" as well.
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