Avoiding Misconceptions
Remember that different is not deficient. Autistic people communicate differently, but that does not make their communication inferior. Every person (including non-autistic people) has unique mannerisms, and there is no right or wrong in personal expression.
Don't come with expectations about how they should act. You may have a fairly narrow view of what each specific behavior means. (For example, if you assume that lack of eye contact means inattention, you may think an autistic person is ignoring you when they're actually paying close attention.) Work on being open-minded and getting to know the individual.
Welcome difference, and don't be afraid of body language you don't understand. This may be new to you, and that's okay. Weird faces and flapping arms may seem unpredictable to you, but that does not mean the autistic person is dangerous, or that they're going to hurt you. Take a deep breath and relax.
Look for context. Because body language is complicated, and autistic people are diverse, there is no easy list or flowchart of body language logic. Look for contextual clues (environment, what is said, facial expressions) and use your judgment.
Ask when in doubt. It's okay to ask for clarifications about someone else's feelings, and it's certainly better than getting frustrated or confused. (Autistic people can understand the feeling of needing clarifications about feelings. As long as you're polite and respectful, it's totally normal.) "I noticed you've been fidgeting a lot while we're talking. Is something up, or is this a normal part of listening for you?" "I noticed that you haven't been looking at me while we're talking. Is this a part of your listening body language?" "Are you sad, or just thinking?"
Understanding Autistic Differences
Interpret a blank expression as a thoughtful one, not as an empty or sad one. Many autistic people relax their facial features when their mind is busy. This may include a faraway gaze, a slightly open mouth, and a general lack of expression. Lining up objects is a common activity for autistic people when lost in thought. Some autistic people assume this expression by default when they are focusing on listening to someone. If an autistic person is staring into space by themselves, assume they are deep in thought. They can still hear you (but get their attention first if you want them to listen).
Expect them not to make eye contact. Eye contact can be distracting or painful for autistic people, so they may look at your shirt, your hands, the space next to you, their hands, et cetera. Their eyes may be unfocused during this time. This is usually because their brain is focusing on your words. If you think they may be zoning out, try saying their name, verbally getting their attention, or gently waving your hand in front of their eyes (if nothing else works).
Expect stimming as part of regular body language. Stimming can help with self-calming, focus, and feeling good in general. If an autistic person is stimming while talking to you, assume that it enhances rather than detracts from their focus. Autistic people may suppress their stims out of fear of criticism around someone they don't know or trust. Thus, if an autistic person stims openly around you, this means that they probably trust you and feel safe around you.
Recognize that stimming can have many meanings. If an autistic person stims around you, it often means that they trust you to let them be themselves. It also has meaning depending on the situation. It may be an expression of emotion, a way to reduce stress or overload, a focusing aid, or something else. Here are ways to get hints. Facial expressions—Stimming while smiling usually means something different from stimming while frowning. Words and sounds—What they say, or the sounds they make (crying, giggling, etc.) can give clues towards their feelings. Context—A woman who waves her arms when shown a puppy is probably excited, while if she is waving her arms and whining while working on a difficult project, she may be frustrated or in need of a break. Sometimes stimming has no emotional meaning, similar to how standing up and stretching is not an indicator of your mood. Expert Answer Q When asked, "What does stimming typically mean for you?" Luna Rose Luna Rose Community Expert Luna Rose is an autistic community member who specializes in writing and autism. She holds a degree in Informatics and has spoken at college events to improve understanding about disabilities. Luna Rose leads wikiHow's Autism Project. Luna Rose EXPERT ADVICE Answer from Luna Rose: Luna Rose, community member, answered: "Stimming can mean so many different things. For one, it helps me to focus, or to calm myself down where there's too much going on. For example, I might hum a song in the cafeteria to ignore the sounds of those giant carts slamming, and focus on the song instead. It can also just be this great way to express yourself. Someone wrote fanfiction of my story, and I was bouncing off the walls stimming. It helps me to express that kind of happiness."
Recognize that looking away is often a sign of thinking or being overwhelmed, not a personal rejection. Autistic people may look away when sights, sounds, touch, or other forms of sensory input are too much. If you get close to an autistic person and they look away, it might mean that it's time to back up, quiet down a little, or stop touching them for now. Autistic people may look away when asked a question. If so, this means they're thinking, and you can wait quietly while they process and come up with an answer. Looking away can also be a sign of unhappiness. For example, if you ask your son "Are you ready to start your homework?" and he looks away, he could be either thinking about his answer or feeling unhappy about having homework. If you notice a pattern of when they look away, pay attention and make adjustments accordingly. For example, if your niece always turns away when you try to kiss her, then she might find kisses overwhelming. It's not always you. It could be someone else, or the environment. Try moving to a calmer place if they are struggling to stay engaged.
Don't automatically interpret odd facial expressions as anger or frustration. Some autistic people will make strange faces. Usually, this means that they are comfortable enough around you not to censor themselves, which is a good sign. Here are some potential meanings. Natural expression—Some disabled people's normal expressions look different from non-disabled people's expressions. Happiness—Their unique way of smiling and having fun. Frustration or pain—Look for contextual clues to see if this matches. Stimming—They need to get their facial muscles moving, similar to how you might play with a zipper or toss around a baseball if you haven't had enough activity. Just stretching—Autistic people might stretch their faces the same way you'd stretch your arms or shoulders. Being silly—They want to make you smile.
Be aware of any movement disabilities. Movements that seem jerky, clumsy, forceful, or "angry" may not mean anger—it may be dyspraxia, cerebral palsy, poor coordination, or other condition that can affect ease of movement. If they often move this way, attribute it to their natural physical challenges, and be wary of misreading them as upset when they're just trying to do something.
Look out for agitation. Autistic people are at high risk for anxiety and may experience sensory issues that cause discomfort or pain. Unusually agitated movements (including stims) paired with a blank or upset facial expression may mean that the autistic person needs a break. This can be useful for meltdown and shutdown prevention.
Understand that it's okay not to understand. Autistic people can do all sorts of different things, from calling "Beep! Beep! Beep!" in tandem with the microwave timer to smiling and going limp when hugged. Don't worry about it. Recognize the value in their differences, and appreciate them for who they are.
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