Define “space” together.
If she asks for space and you’re confused, calmly ask her to clarify what she means. Different people have different needs, and it’s really important that you understand what she’s asking for here. If she says she needs space, say something like, “I have no problem honoring your request, but can you tell me a little bit more about what you need?” Don’t shout, get frustrated, or shut down. Just listen. Depending on how she’s feeling, she may want: More personal space. In this case, you may have been a little clingy for her tastes. She may ask you to back off a bit, or stop prying into her personal life. This is common in new relationships, so don’t worry. More freedom. If the relationship is new, she may still be getting used to the adjustment. If it’s an established relationship, she may simply miss her friends or spending some time alone. A break. A formal break means that you’re putting the relationship on pause. If this happens, don’t worry. A break is not a breakup in most cases. It typically just means she needs time to process her feelings and figure out what she wants.
Take her at her word.
Women do not speak in riddles or code, so don’t read into things. If she tells you she wants a little bit of time to relax or catch up on schoolwork, don’t assume she’s about to breakup with you or anything like that. The worst thing you can do when a girl asks for space is to overanalyze the situation, so don’t! It may seem odd, but this is a good thing. By telling you what she needs, she’s giving you a roadmap to building a successful relationship. If she has the courage to tell you she wants a little room to do her own thing, she’d have the courage to say she wants to see other people or split up. Remember, no amount of pressure, complaining, or wooing is going to change her mind. The best thing you can do at this point is honor her request, even if it sounds a little painful right now. Things will get better.
Don’t contact her at all if she requests that.
If she explicitly asks for you to let her be, don’t push it. The worst mistake you can make when she wants more space is to ignore her needs. If she asks for a few days or weeks of alone time, give it to her. It doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or anything, but it’s definitely going to be in trouble if you can’t honor her request to let her be. If she said she still wants to talk or hang out but she just wants more room to do her own thing, it’s totally fine to stay in contact. Just don’t pester her with invasive questions or complain about her hanging out with other people. That’s only going to drive her away.
Back off and treat this as an opportunity.
Everybody needs some personal space to engage in things they like. Realize that she isn’t going out of her way to hurt you—she just wants some privacy and freedom. As hard as it may be, try to reframe your perspective and look at the upside here. If she’s out pursuing things she enjoys, you have the space to do things you enjoy! If she has asked you to stop prying into her personal life, just keep things light. Stay away from investigative questions about who she’s hanging out with or what she’s doing. If she wants more time to do things on her own, celebrate it. Encourage her to go out with her friends and have fun.
Pursue your own passions.
Go do things you enjoy. If you have an instrument you play or a game you love, spend your time doing that. If you love playing sports, spend a few extra days shooting hoops or playing tennis. If you were spending a lot of time with her before, you may find yourself with a lot of free time on your hands. Fill that time with fun activities and hobbies to keep yourself from wallowing or getting down. If you don’t know how to spend your sudden influx of free time, now is the perfect time to pick up a new hobby! If you aren’t on a no-contact break, there’s nothing wrong with inviting her along or telling her about the things you’re doing in your spare time. If you sit around worrying about what she’s doing or feeling bad that she isn’t here, no good is going to come of it. Not only is it healthy to pursue things you care about, but it’s a great way to keep your mind from going to a negative place.
Hang out with your friends and family.
Socializing with other people you care about is a great way to spend your time. Look at this as an opportunity to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in a while, or meet new people. If you’re invited to any parties or social gatherings, go. Spend time with your family as well. The more connected you are to other people in your life, the happier you’re going to be. This is a great time to reconnect with old friends you haven’t had time for while you were spending all of your time with your partner. If you’re on a break and the two of you are no longer going steady, she may want to date other people. If this is the case, try going on a date or two of your own! Companionship is always healthy, especially if you’re dealing with a painful pause on your relationship right now.
Build your confidence.
The better you feel about yourself, the more likely you are to win her over. Work out every week by running or lifting weights, and eat a healthy diet full of lean proteins, vegetables, and whole grains. Seek advice from people you respect and listen to them. If you’re behind at work or you need to pull your grades up, commit your energy to improving at work or school. You’re going to be happier if you grow as a person, and improving your confidence will show her that you’re serious relationship material. Now is a great opportunity to update your wardrobe, clean your home, and get a haircut. If she wants space to think about whether she wants to commit to you or not, there’s no better way to push her in the right direction than to improve your confidence.
Chill on the heavy conversations.
The last thing she’ll want to do is talk about your relationship right now. If she wants space, she needs a little room to breathe. If you’re still talking right now, text her jokes you overheard at work or discuss a movie you recently saw. Avoid prying into how she’s spending her time or asking her questions about the state of your relationship. The more laid back you are, the more room you’ll give the relationship to grow organically. Wait for her to make the first move when it comes to the relationship talk. She’ll revisit the state of your relationship when she’s ready. It’s perfectly fine to be flirty or remind her that you care about her, but don’t throw a ton of “I miss you” or “I love you so much” texts at her. Unless she wanted space because she thought you didn’t care about her, this is only going to make her feel pressured.
Write a letter to her.
Even if you never send it, writing is a great way to process your thoughts. If you’re feeling a little emotional or you’re hurting, sit down with a pen and paper. Start writing about how you really feel about her. You could even do this every day in a journal. This is a therapeutic way to express yourself, and it’s a great way to analyze your emotions and process the pain you’re going through. If you do reconnect and you ever discuss what the break was like for both of you, you could show her the letters to really demonstrate how you feel. You don’t have to do anything with the letters. You can always throw them out if you find them embarrassing or you’ve written something negative. It’s still a productive exercise either way.
Stay off of social media.
You’re just going to go crazy if you keep checking her Instagram or Facebook. Do yourself a favor and just stay off of social media for now. You could temporarily delete your accounts or take the apps off of your phone. Even if you don’t plan on checking her account, you may accidentally scroll across something she posted. If that happens, you may feel down or start imagining the worst possible scenario if she posts a photo or status. If you’re feeling down, seeing a bunch of photos or status updates about how well other people are doing isn’t going to do any good either.
Reconnect organically once she’s open to it.
Take things slow and let the relationship take its course naturally. If the two of you are meant for one another, it will happen. If she texts or calls you asking to go on a date or attend an event together, go for it. Just don’t treat it as opportunity to jump her with questions about when she’s done needing space or when she’s ready to commit. Enjoy your time with her, treat her with respect, and let the relationship grow over time. Avoid repeating any mistakes you made before. If she wanted more attention, give it to her. If she wanted more time to hang out with her friends, let her. Whatever it was, just do your best to be a great partner for her. Grand gestures of devotion are great in the movies, but they can backfire if you overdo it just as the two of you are getting back into the swing of things.
Know when to let it go.
If she isn’t ready for the relationship you want, you may need to let it go. You cannot control what she does or what she wants, so let go of any expectations. You have needs and she has needs. If the two of you don’t align on what you’re looking for in a relationship, it may be best for you to move on. You deserve to be fulfilled and loved, so don’t settle or give up on yourself. It can take time to find the person who is right for you. If this relationship doesn’t work out, remember that there are always more fish in the sea. It probably isn’t what you want to hear right now, but it’s true. Don’t let her string you along. If she acts like you’re her entire world one day and then turns around and gives you the cold shoulder on the next, stand up for yourself. If she isn’t ready to commit, that’s on her.
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