Gaining Basic Respect
Practice the ABC's of respect. The ABC's of respect stands for awareness, balance, and choices. Remembering the ABC's can help you make sure your relationship remains respectful over time. Awareness means staying aware of yourself and your feelings. Always consider how a behavior makes you feel and take note of any gestures, behaviors, or language that makes you feel less than respected. Balance means respect should be mutual. You want to make sure you're giving your boyfriend or guy friend respect in return. Encourage him to open up to you and let him know he can always tell you if you do something that rubs him the wrong way. Choices means being conscious about the decisions you make. Make choices with a sense of self-respect in mind. Do not agree to do anything in a relationships that violates your comfort, ethics, or moral code.
Have your own sense of self. One major way to get respect is to be your own person. If you rely on your boyfriend or guyfriend to make decisions for you, you may leave yourself vulnerable for disrespect. Do not hesitate to be yourself in a relationship and do not let a male friend or boyfriend dictate your taste, hobbies, friendships, and other aspects of your life. Continue to pursue your own interests outside of the relationship. If you're in school, for example, keep up with your course work and make learning and grades a priority. A respectful partner will want someone who is independent and not reliant on them. If you want your boyfriend or guyfriend to respect you, make it clear you're capable of going your own way and making your own decisions.
Identify your own personal needs. In a relationship, you have to make your needs known. If your boyfriend or guyfriend is getting in the way of your needs, this is an issue to discuss. However, you must first know what your needs are. What do you need to feel emotionally stable and happy? How can your boyfriend or guyfriend help you meet these needs? It may be helpful to sit down and write on this subject for awhile. Allow your thoughts to flow (don't worry about spelling or grammar) as you write about when you feel most fulfilled and happy. Ask yourself what makes you feel fulfilled. Do you need a lot of time to focus on a passion? Do you need to spend time with others to feel fulfilled? How can your boyfriend or guyfriend help you feel fulfilled? Maybe you need space from him in some areas of your life. Think about activities, events, and behaviors you say "yes" to when you don't really want to. You do not have to do anything you do not want to do, even in a relationship. Think about what you need to do in regards to self-care and how your boyfriend can support that. For example, maybe you need to be physically fit to feel like you're caring for yourself. You may want your boyfriend to allow you time to go to the gym each day. Consider whether it is your boyfriend or guyfriend who gets in the way, or if you are getting in your own way.
Speak up when something bothers you. Remember, you have a right to feel respected at all times. If your boyfriend or guyfriend violates a boundary or need, speak up right away. The sooner you address the issue, the better. It is healthy to talk things over if someone is bothering or disrespecting you. This is better than keeping your anger to yourself, which could lead to a blow up down the road. If you feel your boyfriend has disrespected you, say so calmly. For example, "I really don't like it when you tease me in front of your friends. It makes me feel disrespected." If you have a hard time speaking up, consider working with a therapist or counselor to help you become more assertive.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries
Evaluate your limits and feelings. Everyone has personal limits. There may be behaviors and actions that make you feel uncomfortable, disrespected, or otherwise negative. Before trying to establish healthy boundaries, identify where your limits are. What are you willing to do for your boyfriend and what is too much? Think about times you've felt taken advantage of by your boyfriend. What behaviors led to these feelings? For example, maybe your boyfriend borrows money from you a lot and this makes you feel uncomfortable. Remember, your feelings are valid. Everyone has limits, so do not feel bad for yours. For example, maybe you do make more money than your boyfriend and can afford to lend him money; however, this does not mean this is required of you, especially if you don't like the tension money creates in a relationship.
Recognize your right to healthy boundaries. Just because you are able to do something does not mean you have to do it. Before setting boundaries, recognize you are entitled to them. Everyone has a right to set up personal boundaries in a relationship to feel safe and respected. Remind yourself of this before talking over boundaries with your boyfriend. Do not go into the conversation feeling guilty for requesting boundaries.
Be direct during the conversation. It's important your boyfriend or guyfriend understand your boundaries on no uncertain terms. Boundaries are an important personal right, so make yourself as clear and direct as possible when discussing your own personal boundaries. For example, do not say, "I guess I just get a little uncomfortable lending you money a lot. Sorry, but I just worry it could create tension, so maybe you could borrow from someone else sometimes?" Instead, state yourself clearly. Set concrete limits that your boyfriend can clearly understand. For example, "I don't want to lend you money anymore. I feel money can create tension in a relationship and I worry about resentment building if this becomes a habit. Please do not ask me for money anymore."
Be assertive. Sometimes, people will not understand your boundaries right away. Your boyfriend may violate your boundaries in the future, even after you've made yourself clear. In this case, be assertive and restate your boundaries again. Let your boyfriend or guyfriend know when they've crossed a line. Remind them you have already told them about your boundaries and they need to respect them. For example, your boyfriend asks to borrow money for groceries after you've explained that you're not lending him money anymore. Calmly say something like, "We talked about this, remember? I don't feel comfortable lending you money all the time. I can't help you."
Reflect on your past and present. Once you've stated boundaries, some personal reflection can be helpful. You want to make sure your relationships are healthy and reciprocal. Some people have a history of letting others violate their boundaries, so think about your own personal history to make sure you know how to prioritize yourself. Think about the types of relationships you've had in the past. Are you prone to friendships and romantic relationships that feel one-sided? If so, you may need to work no prioritizing your feelings a little more. Consider your role in your family growing up. Were you frequently in caregiver roles? If so, you may sometime forget to practice self care. If you continue to struggle to prioritize yourself, it may be helpful to work with a therapist or counselor.
Supporting One Another's Needs
Show respect in return. Remember, respect is a two way street. If you want your boyfriend or guyfriend to respect you, show him respect as well. Make sure you listen to your boyfriend's boundaries as well. If a certain behavior bothers him, for example, do not engage in it. Know and support your boyfriend's needs. If he's more introverted and needs alone time on occasion, for example, make sure to back off and let him be by himself when necessary.
Work as a team. Think of you and your boyfriend as two unique, interesting individuals. Your relationship should be about teamwork. Your boyfriend and you each bring your own skills to the team and work together to solve problems and deal with obstacles. Be willing to compromise. A big part of teamwork is compromising on occasion. If you and your boyfriend don't see completely eye-to-eye on something, figure out a mutual solution that works for both of you.
Have a clear sense of privacy. Everyone has a different sense of privacy. You may not mind your boyfriend looking at your phone or computer, for example, but he may want to keep his electronic devices private. Make sure you both understand and respect one another's need for privacy. Talk about issues with privacy as they come up. For example, "I need to look something up. Is it okay if I use your phone or would you prefer I stayed off of it?"
Manage differences respectfully. You should never let resentment simmer in a relationship. If there are differences or disagreements, talk them over respectfully as they come up. If your boyfriend has complaints of concerns, listen to them without judgment and apologize if you hurt his feelings. You should also expect this kind of treatment in return.
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