How to Deal with Bossy People

Tolerating Bossy People

Recognizing who is a boss, versus who is being bossy. Very often, the two are completely mixed up, and this leads to problems if you cannot differentiate between who you must comply with, and who you do not. A boss is an authority who is put in direct responsibility of you: police officer, parent, teacher, manager, the director of your school play, the robotic club's president. These are people who to one degree or another have authority and responsibility that you need to respect. Bossy people tend to try to direct others, and speak with a lot of authority but are not actually in charge of you: Your friend, your sister, the person on the bus who always has an opinion on everything. In early childhood we are often conditioned to be compliant, please others, and listen to directions. Some personalities are more likely to do so than others. However, it is important to recognize that unless an individual has an actual responsibility for you, you do not have to accept the command, opinion, or suggestion.

Take a moment to cool down. Refuse to respond to the person with anger. Recognize that people often try to control other people because of feelings of insecurity or helplessness.

Don't be passive-aggressive. An eye-roll or sigh will build tension, instead of diffusing it. When you act huffy, but still let the person control you, you can place yourself in a childlike role. If you find yourself responding in the way you might have as a teenager, rethink your response. It is not going to make your relationship with the person better or make you happier.

Move on. At times when you know that the person is stressed or going through a difficult time, take the high road. This is only a good option if you don't feel you are encouraging the person to disrespect you regularly. If possible, try to distance yourself from this person. See if there's another desk or room available at the office that you can work from, for example. Always think about what is going to be worth addressing, and what is not going to be worth addressing. Sometimes, it is better to just try to de-personalize it, try to manage your own stress and your frustration around the situation.

Refuse to give someone “payoffs” when they are pushy. Avoid giving an immediate “Yes” or “whatever you want” when they tell you what to do. If you have ever had a pet, you may have learned about negative reinforcement. People also take note when a colleague or family member immediately acquiesces to our demands.

Try humor after someone tries to boss you around. When they've told you what to do, you can say, “It sounds like you want to do my job for me” or “Did you get promoted and not tell me?” Only use this method if you can keep it lighthearted. A humorous response will act as a warning that their behavior has not gone unnoticed.

Ask your manager to clarify the chain of command when you start any new project. If you have had problems with people in the past, you can ask the chain of command to be included in official project documents. If the person still tries to boss you around, assert yourself and explain the situation from your point of view. For instance, you could say “The project lead and I have been discussing the best way to do this. If you think it should be done another way, we can call a team meeting.”

Recognize when you start to feel like a victim. Letting someone be domineering for too long can create feelings of resentment and humiliation that can destroy a relationship. When this happens, the person is controlling or trying to control you, and you should move onto the next method.

Standing Up To Bossy People

Say no. Take a deep breath and refuse to go along with what the person is suggesting.

Refuse as respectfully as possible. This is especially important if you are talking to an authority figure, like a boss or a parent. However, do not apologize for your refusal. Try saying, “In this case, I don't agree with you” or “No, I don't think that's the best way to do it.” If you say “No” confidently and respectfully, the person is likely to be taken off-guard and accept your respect for your opinion.

Expect some defensiveness. Some bossy people enjoy confrontation. If this is the case, and they respond poorly to your refusal try to stay calm. Say “I understand that you feel strongly about it, but in this case, it sounds like they can't agree.

Be silent. After you have expressed your opinion and responded calmly, refuse to start a fight. They may become uncomfortable with silence and acquiesce or leave.

Tell them they are being disrespectful. Sometimes bossy people have thought things through and have good ideas. If you like their opinions, but feel as if they command you rudely, you can take another tack. Respond by saying “I think that's a good idea, but it is disrespectful when you talk down to me.” Consider saying “I agree that this is the best way to do things, but I don't appreciate it when you are rude or commanding with me.” This is another way to stand up for yourself, without letting them dismiss you as emotional or juvenile.

Take some time away from the person if they refuse to respond to these methods. A person who is always disrespectful or tries to control everything you do may be a destructive force in your life. Try a more serious statement, such as “I don't like the way you treat me.” At work, say “I think we should work separately on this project. I can't work well when someone is micromanaging me.”