Speaking to Your Flirty Coworker
Identify the flirtatious behavior. Does your coworker make comments about how you look or dress? Find ways to touch you? Wink at you or make extended eye contact? Make suggestive jokes or comments? Identifying the behavior will help you create a plan of action. Once you identify the specific behavior, think about how you feel when this happens. Do you feel uncomfortable or nervous? Do you think your coworker is intentionally trying to make you feel uncomfortable or is unaware of their actions? Your coworker may not even realize that they are being flirty and making you uncomfortable. It may help to write down the flirtatious behavior.
Recognize the difference between flirting and sexual harassment. There is a fine line, but flirting and sexual harassment are different. The United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission defines sexual harassment as "unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature" that negatively impacts your work environment or your work performance. Sexual harassment is illegal. If you are a victim of sexual harassment, immediately report your coworker in accordance with the policies at your workplace. Human Resources is always a good place to start.
Examine how your coworker treats others. If you are not sure that your coworker is flirting with you, pay attention to their interactions with other people in your office. Are they touchy with others in the office? Do they make comments on everyone's appearance? Observing can also help you understand your coworker's intention. Your coworker may be very friendly or actually flirting with you. Even if this flirtatious behavior appears to be normal for your coworker, still speak up if you are feeling uncomfortable. Work should be a safe place where you are comfortable and able to focus on doing your job. Just because other people accept the coworker's behavior does not mean that you have to.
Determine what you need to feel comfortable. Once you identify the specific behavior and how it makes you feel, decide what behavior change you need to see from your coworker. It is important for you to be as specific and honest as possible when you address your coworker. You want to be clear and avoid any misunderstandings. Combine all of your thoughts into one sentence such as, "When you ___, I feel ___. Going forward, could you ____?"
Address your coworker as soon as it happens. Instead of asking to speak to your coworker after the flirting has happened, handle it right in the moment. When a coworker flirts and you do not say anything, your coworker thinks this behavior is perfectly fine. It is also easier to correct a situation as soon it happens instead of trying to start a random conversation. For example, if your coworker comments about how great you look that day, say "I feel uncomfortable when you comment about how I look. Could you keep those thoughts to yourself from now on?" or "Thanks for the compliment, but it really makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that." If your coworker makes physical contact with you, say "Hey, could you keep your hands to yourself. It makes me uncomfortable," or "Not to be rude, but I need a little more personal space." If you are not comfortable addressing your coworker immediately, you can also speak to them once you get your thoughts together. If your coworker is receptive, thank them for being understanding and let them know that you want to continue to have a good professional relationship. There is no need to bring up the situation again.
Be more direct with a persistent flirter. Your coworker will typically stop flirting with you once you speak up. However, if it does not happen, you can address the coworker one more time and/or speak to your supervisor or someone in human resources. This is not an issue that you have to deal with at your workplace. To be more direct, say, "Hey ____. I told you that I do not like when you ___, and it needs to stop. You make me very uncomfortable, and I don't want to feel this way at work."
Focusing on Your Behavior
Do not flirt back. Flirting back may seem like a good way to ease the tension, but it will only make matters worse. End the flirtation with your actions. If the worker makes a comment or inappropriate joke, do not laugh it off. Change the subject to something work-related. If your coworker touches you or gets too close to you, move away and create space before you talk to them. You may have to take action several times before your coworker starts to get the point.
Avoid spending one-on-one time. A coworker is probably more likely to flirt with you in a one-on-one situation than in a group. Turn down any invitations to go get coffee or lunch. If you are invited, ask another coworker to go with you. If the flirty coworker wants to meet during lunchtime, suggest another time to meet. If a one-on-one meeting is necessary, leave the door open or make sure other people are in the area.
Avoid discussing your personal life. Having only work-related discussions with a flirty coworker demonstrates that you only want to have a professional relationship. When asked about your personal life, state that you do not discuss personal issues at work and then redirect the conversation to something work-related. This is a way to correct your coworker without being rude or damaging your work relationship. After a few exchanges, your coworker should understand. If your coworker asks you something about your personal life, say "I try not to discuss my personal life at work. But I would like to hear more about (some work-related issue)." Be sure to move the conversation to something about work. This will prevent an awkward silence or seem like you are making a big deal.
Reporting Your Coworker
Keep a written record. Document every time your coworker flirts with you. Try to be as detailed as possible. Include the date, time, and exactly what happened. Make a note of any other coworkers that witnessed the behavior. If you plan to report your coworker, you will need specific examples. Your documentation will also help any investigation that takes place.
Speak to your supervisor. Let your boss know that your coworker has been making you feel uncomfortable. Present your documentation and stick to the facts only. Let your boss know that you have spoken to your coworker, but things have not gotten any better. Ask your boss what is the best way to handle the situation. When you speak to your boss, emphasize that you want to maintain a positive work environment for everyone. If the coworker has a close relationship to your boss, check your company policies to see who else you can speak to about your situation.
Go to the Human Resources department. If your coworker doesn't respond to your verbal or behavior cues, speak with someone in your HR department. You do not have to file an official complaint immediately. Go to HR and ask for some informal advice on how to handle your situation. You may say, "I don't think this is harassment, but my coworker keeps doing ___ , and it bothers me. How should I handle this situation?" If you want to file an official complaint, ask for details about the process. You want to be clear about your options before you move forward. You will probably still have to work with the coworker, so be sure you really want to go this route. Be sure to document any interactions you have with the HR department.
Speak with an employment attorney. If your coworker, boss, or HR refuses to address the issue, consult a lawyer about your next steps. Find an attorney that specializes in employment law. Take all of your documentation that you have collected throughout the process. An employment attorney can help you navigate the system at your job and let you know what your options are in the legal system. Ask your lawyer if you are able to claim sexual harassment. You may be able to file a federal discrimination complaint or sue your employer.
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