- Evaluate safety first. Have your parents expressed negative views about gay people in the past?
- Let trusted friends or allies know that you're telling your parents so you have a support system in place.
- Answer any questions your parents have. If they seem shocked or confused, give them some time to process what you've told them.
Having the Talk
Choose a safe place and stress-free time to tell them. For instance, avoid telling them right after work or when they are dealing with significant stress, like job loss or a death in the family. If possible, tell them at home when you’re all having a good, relaxing time together. Try to find a day when you all have a lot of free time so that you won’t have to rush through the conversation and you can all take time to process it. If you believe they’ll have a violent or homophobic reaction, avoid being alone with them when you tell them—consider inviting supportive friends to be with you. Write a letter or email if you feel safer and more comfortable doing so. EXPERT TIP Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist At the same time, don't wait for the "perfect" moment. Licensed clinical social worker Lauren Urban says: "There's no perfect time to have a hard conversation. Say what you need to say, then later, once the initial shock is out of the way, you can go back and explain things more eloquently. Just do it when you find the opportunity, and trust your intuition to guide you."
Share your thoughts and feelings about your experience. You could simply tell them you’re gay, or you might share more about your experience of discovering and coming to terms with your sexuality. Talk to them about all of the preparation you have done for this conversation so that they know it’s serious, real, and important to you. You might say something like “Mom and Dad, I’ve been wanting to tell you this for longer than I can remember. I’m gay. It’s been so hard keeping this from you but I thought it was time you knew.” Maybe you experienced shame, denial, guilt, or just joy and acceptance as you learned more about who you are. It’s possible your parents’ journey to acceptance will be similar to yours, so hearing about your experience may help them adjust to this new information.
Communicate respectfully. Be open, honest, and polite, and try to be patient if they have trouble understanding at first. Respectful communication can make all the difference during a difficult conversation. Try not to interrupt your parents when they are speaking, and avoid preparing your responses in your head while they're still talking. Instead, actively listen to them and give them some space to speak. Repeating back what you hear them say can show that you're listening: “So, it sounds like you aren’t really shocked, but you don’t necessarily approve of me being this way.”
Show you're listening with your body language. Monitoring your body language is part of communicating effectively. Show your parents you are listening by facing your body toward them, making eye contact, and nodding occasionally. Avoid rolling your eyes or making angry faces at them, if possible. If your mom is telling you she is disappointed, try to avoid scowling. Instead, maintain eye contact and nod to show you are processing her words. In an ideal world, your parents would respond with acceptance and celebration, but that isn’t how it goes in some cases. Reacting civilly to their response is the best way to ensure they’ll come around eventually.
Tell them you love them. Try to ground your coming out in love and celebration, not frustration or fear. Tell your parents you’re coming out to them because you love them and want to share this part of you. Depending on your parents and their beliefs, the news may be hard for them to hear, but reminding them of the love that you have for them can make things a bit easier. You might say something like “I really love you both so much and not sharing this part of me with you has been hurting me for a while.”
Answer any questions they might have, if you’re comfortable. Your parents may have a range of questions to ask you, especially if they did not suspect that you were gay before now. Try to answer their questions if you are comfortable, but know that you don’t have to answer anything that you don’t want to. They will likely ask when you knew, if you are dating someone, and if you are sure. Feel free to avoid any questions about sex. You could say something like, “I really prefer to keep that part of my life private and I hope you respect that, Dad.” Expect the questions to continue over days and weeks, especially if they were taken by surprise.
Try to remain confident and to show your parents grace. Your parents may experience a range of emotions in this process. Some may be accepting and loving, but others may experience denial or disappointment. No matter the reaction, try to be understanding, but stand firm in your identity. Try not to get angry or defensive, and avoid making blanket statements about how they never support or approve of you. Focus on the topic at hand. It’s possible one parent might be slower to accept than the other. Give both of your parents the grace and space to process. You might say something like “Mom, I know you’re not happy right now and I get it. You have been a wonderful parent to me, but this is who I am and I hope you’ll still love and accept me.” Note that disappointment isn’t the same as disrespect or aggression. If your parents respond violently or insultingly, consider leaving the room.
Give them resources. Your parents may not know many, if any, gay people and may be struggling with this news. Collect some pamphlets or articles for parents of gay children and give them to them to look over. Hearing the perspectives of other parents dealing with the same news may help them accept it. Find out if there is an organization or local group for parents and families of gay children in the area, like PFLAG, an organization dedicated to supporting LGBTQ+ people and their families. Your parents may have a limited understanding of sexuality and gender, so they may have a lot of questions, and they may not even know what they don't know. They may find the Trevor Project's coming-out handbook helpful to look over in their spare time. You might say, “I know this was all a bit heavy, but I did want you to know that there are resources out there to help you work through this. I brought you these articles to read if you like.”
Give them time to process everything. Some parents can take months or years to accept that their child is gay. Some may never accept it, while others might accept right away or tell you that they already knew. Be prepared to give your parents the time they need to make peace with this news, but also be prepared if they never do. Remind them that you are here to talk even after this discussion: “We don’t have to talk about everything right now. I love you both and I’m here to answer any questions you might have over the next weeks or months.” Consider checking in weekly if they do not reach out to you soon after the conversation. Remember that you've been coming to terms with your identity for your whole life while they may have been in denial or had no idea. With time, they may understand.
Planning for a Discussion
Tell your support system you're planning to come out. Before you come out to your family, inform your friends or other sources of support. You might tell a mentor, teacher, friend, or other family member who knows. Have them check in with you on the day of the conversation, and in the following days and weeks. This is the time to consider if you want a trusted friend or mentor present during the conversation. While this may offend your parents, it's important that you have the protection and support that you need.
Talk to a mental health professional. Consider talking to a counselor about your coming out plan. They’ll help you determine if it's a safe time to come out, and if so, prepare you for the talk with your parents. Additionally, a therapist can improve your confidence in your sexuality, and help you develop coping mechanisms for resulting stress. You may find that your school counselor is helpful. Or, you may feel most comfortable talking to a counselor who is also LGBTQ. To find a therapist in your area, try Psychology Today’s therapist locator. If you can’t find one in your area, some LGBTQ therapists offer services via the phone or internet.
Have a worst-case scenario plan. Your parents might be happy that you have finally told them, or they might not. If you grew up in a home with homophobic parents, know that their reaction might not be ideal. Make a plan for the worst-case scenario so that you can be better prepared. For instance, if you are worried about potential violence, you might opt to tell them on the phone. If they begin to yell or curse at you, you could say, “I’m sorry, but I cannot be yelled at Mom. I would love to talk about this more when emotions aren’t so high. Can you call me tomorrow?” If you want to continue the conversation later, give yourself time to get back into a positive mindset first. Going into the situation with a negative attitude could increase the likelihood of a bad outcome.
Establish a safety plan. Perhaps your parents are generally pretty calm and mild-mannered, and you've never heard them make a homophobic comment. Regardless of these facts, it may be worth it to make a plan in the event that violence could erupt. Your plan might involve having a friend check in on you every 20 minutes or so, keeping your phone on you, and sitting closely to the exit of your home.
Assess your comfort with your sexuality. Some parents may make comments like “But, you’ve had a girlfriend/boyfriend before” in attempts to try to challenge your identity. However, you can combat this by being firm and knowing who you are. If you feel any doubt about your sexuality, consider waiting to come out to your parents, especially if you suspect they will react negatively. However, if you think your parents will be supportive, talking to them about your sexuality can be immensely helpful, even if you're still exploring it.
Consider how your parents are likely to react. Some parents might embrace you while others might feel guilt and will wonder where they “went wrong.” Others might feel confusion or anger, and others might express shock. Think about your parents and what emotions they might have so that you can be better prepared. For instance, if you think they might be angry, you might want to have someone with you when you tell them or you might want to do it over the phone. If you think they will be confused, you might want to be prepared to talk to them about when you first thought that you might be gay. If you're not sure what to expect, try testing the waters first: ask them how they feel about an LGBTQ celebrity or marriage equality.
Write down what you want to say. Although it may feel strange, writing down specific phrases you want to tell your parents can help you organize your thoughts. Stress and emotion can make it difficult to get everything out. If you’re afraid you’ll forget to include important points, consider bringing a bulleted list to the discussion.
Practice in the mirror. Before you talk to your parents, you might want to practice in the mirror. Consider what you want to say to your parents, how you want to say it, and what emotions you want to convey. Refer to your notes, if you took any. Although you do not want to seem rehearsed, using the right words is important.
Knowing When to Wait to Come Out
Consider your level of financial dependence on your parents before coming out. If you are completely financially dependent on your family and you know that they are homophobic, it is likely unwise to come out at this time. Wait until you are completely financially disentangled from them to make such a decision. If you are financially dependent and you don’t feel that coming out is an option, start making a specific action plan for becoming financially independent, especially after you finish school. Living in a situation where you must suppress a part of yourself is not sustainable in the long term. It can take a huge toll on your mental health.
Assess whether you are at any risk of harm. If you are still living at home, consider if you are at risk of being physically harmed if you disclose this to your parents. If so, it is likely best to come out at a later time when you have your own place.
Evaluate their views on gay people. If you regularly hear your parents make problematic comments about gay people, know that you will likely not receive a positive reaction when you come out to them. Though you can still come out to them, be mindful of how negative their reaction might be.
Assess your level of emotional attachment. Ask yourself the following question: If coming out goes bad, can I handle no longer having a relationship with my parents? If you don’t think that you’re emotionally independent enough from your parents at this time, consider waiting to tell them at a later time. Consider your friends and extended family. Do you have a strong support network beyond your parents? Do you have friends that are like family? If so, a negative reaction from your parents will be easier to bear.
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