Let the relationship move at its own pace.
Every relationship is different and operates on its own timeline. Let go of your own expectations for when exactly a partnership should transition from casual to committed. Friends and family may have their own ideas. But the truth is, your feelings will tell you when it's in your best interest to initiate a conversation—so, take time to reflect. Does thinking about a committed relationship with this person excite you? Is not knowing where you stand with this person causing you stress or worry? Are you ready to receive an answer from him, whether or not it’s the answer you want?
Talk about your relationship status in person.
This is an important conversation, so it should happen face to face. Choose a time and place that he'll feel comfortable with. Or, if you want to keep things casual, don’t officially plan the conversation. Just make sure that when you open up the discussion, it's in person. “Hey, I wanted to chat with you about something. Want to meet at mine tonight? I can make that spaghetti you love.” Or, wait until the two of you are casually hanging out together in a quiet, safe space. For instance, start the conversation when you're in the living room, hanging out on the couch.
Use a casual excuse to start a conversation about exclusivity.
You may feel more comfortable opening the conversation subtly. In that case, choose an excuse that allows you to ask him if you’re exclusive in an offhand way. Throw this opener into conversation casually. Depending on how clear you are, this may or may not lead to a full discussion—but either way, it can give you an idea about how he’s feeling. “So funny, my mom asked if I was dating anyone exclusively last week. So hard to explain modern dating norms to a parent, haha.” “Hey, I was thinking. We should talk about whether or not we’re being safe. I don’t mean to pry, but are you having sex with anyone else? I need to know for my own health.”
Show that you take the conversation seriously.
Joking may harm your ability to get the answers you need. When you get nervous, it can feel so tempting to diffuse tension with a joke or two. That's totally normal! And while it's okay to be friendly, to have a successful exclusivity talk, try your best not to hide behind jokes. Set the right tone for an open discussion. Instead of joking when you feel uncomfortable, just be honest. "Honestly...I'm just going to say it. I'm feeling pretty nervous right now."
Ask him directly if you two are exclusive.
A straightforward conversation can give you the answers you need. Keep in mind that regardless of what he says, you're going after what you want—and that's amazing. Be direct and ask him exactly what you'd like to know. If you feel comfortable, explain what feelings have led to your desire for this conversation. “Hey, I just want you to know that I really care about you. Are we dating? Are you my boyfriend?” “I want to be honest with you. I’ve been curious about whether or not we’re exclusive. Are you dating other people?”
Let him know that you don't want him to feel pressured.
You're more likely to get an honest answer if he feels comfortable. Explain to your guy that even though this is a serious conversation, you don't want him to feel pressured or overwhelmed. Let him know that whatever he's feeling, you'll accept it. "I don't want you to feel pressured or anything. We're just two people talking. I promise not to judge you. Whatever your feelings are, I'll accept them."
Ask him to be honest.
To understand if you two have a future, he needs to be truthful. Explain that even if he is worried about hurting your feelings, you still expect him to be honest. Clarify that if he's not interested in exclusivity, that's okay. But if he lies to spare your feelings, that wouldn't be okay with you. "I know it might be hard, but I really need you to tell me the truth. Even if you don't want what I want, I'll be happier in the long run if you're honest with me."
Encourage him to be straightforward.
When he gets nervous, he may hide behind vague answers. If he's worried about hurting you or isn't great at communicating his needs and desires, he may give you unclear answers—or answers he hasn't thought through fully yet. Explain that you need him to explain his desires clearly. If he needs time to think before he can give you a direct answer, then tell him you can wait. "I get that you really enjoy hanging out with me and don't want to lose me, but that doesn't answer my question about whether or not you want exclusivity." "Speaking honestly about your feelings can be so hard, but I still really need that from you right now." "If you need time to think, that's okay. But eventually, I'm going to need a straightforward answer from you. That's really important to me."
Explain your expectations for the relationship.
Express your needs so you two can decide how to proceed. First, communicate your eventual hopes for the relationship. Then, tell him what you can and can't accept at this stage in your relationship. Let him know that you're happy to answer any questions he may have. “I would love to be exclusive with you. I want to feel secure in our relationship and excited about a future together." “I don't need that right this second, but I do need to know that you're interested in the same thing eventually. I'd like for us to keep discussing it, too." “Let me know if you have any questions for me. I'm an open book! I'll walk you through my thought process."
Find a compromise if you're not on the same page.
You may be able to continue dating—even if he's not ready for exclusivity yet. If he's not interested in exclusivity right now, ask yourself what you are and are not comfortable with in your relationship. Then, explain your needs to him. Finally, if there's a potential compromise, make a plan for how to proceed together. Would you be comfortable continuing to see him when he's not sure about exclusivity just yet? How long would you be content waiting? "For now, I'd like to keep seeing you. But I do need to know we'll discuss this again. We would have to have a solid plan going forward." "Why don't we plan to bring back this discussion in a month. Would you feel comfortable with that?"
Move on if he's not willing to meet your needs.
If he can’t give you what you want, then it may be time to walk away. Ask him directly, communicate your needs, and listen to how he feels. If it becomes clear that he can't give you what you want, then choose the path that will make you happiest in the long run. Walk away. Choose whatever feels best to you. You deserve to have your needs met in your relationship!
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